A Beautiful Mosaic
On my birthday in February my husband wrote this on my card: God was so excited the day he created you because he knew your story from beginning to end and he couldn’t wait to tell it. This really impacted me and I wrote about God knowing my story (see Circle of Light). However, there’s more for me to process in this statement. I have a hard time with the piece about being excited about my story, in fact so excited that he couldn’t wait to tell it. To be honest, I wasn’t excited about my story at all and certainly not to the extent that I couldn’t wait to tell it. I was embarrassed about my story, ashamed even.
So, I’ve been wrestling with this and wondering what it would take for me to accept my story, to like my story…maybe, just maybe; dare I say it – be excited about my story. What would it take? I’ve done a lot of work around my past and I’ve forgiven myself and everyone involved. I’ve received healing and I’ve moved on. But now, I want to embrace my story, love my story, want to tell my story and be excited about it.
I’ve been noticing and processing messages that come my way. Here are a few:
“We give off light in the darkness by our generosity, by trying to help in the world, by simply making it through the hard patches with a little dignity, so that other people can see that it can be done.” Anne Lamott Grace Eventually
“Jesus is saying that every moment we are freely given the opportunity to see through a different pair of glasses.” Anne Lamott Grace Eventually
“Owning your actual life means first that you embrace your story; the whole one with no shameful bald spot or gut wrenching regret left out. What if doing so creates a mosaic, that when put together and healed by God, becomes beautiful, and radiant?” Steve Wiens
“What memories can you look back at that have shaped you? Can you hold them in such a way that you believe they all belong?” From Daring Greatly book (Steve Wiens blog: Diesel Smell).
“We are who we are because of the story we’ve lived and the story we hope to live.”
These messages are a few of the ones that helped me get to a place that I could begin to accept and like my story. I started to see it in a different light. I noticed that my story isn’t really about me; it’s God’s story. He’s the one who created me, works through me and lives in me. My story is about bringing him glory and making him seen. When I tell the bad parts, show my shameful bald spots and gut wrenching regrets and then I tell where I am now; the only thing that can be concluded is that God is awesome! He is not a God of second chances; he is a God of infinite chances! He can take garbage, dung as the Bible calls it and put it together in such a way that it becomes beautiful and radiant. I’m beginning to accept and embrace my story and know that it’s really not mine but it’s a gift, given to me by God.
On my Father-in-law’s birthday (Bob) we brought him out for breakfast and both him and my mother-in-law (Bobi) told me that he had found my web site and they had both read my story. Bobi said that she was impressed and blown away, she remarked on how much courage it took for me to put it out there. Bob told me that I deserve a lot of credit and I had really come a long way.
I have come a long way but God really deserves the credit. The only credit I could possibly deserve is that I allowed him to do his work in me and I did my part too.
I haven’t gotten to the point that I’m excited to tell my story but I’m getting there. As I slowly embrace those embarrassing, shameful moments and bad decisions, I begin to accept them and hold them as though they belong. They’re becoming valuable pieces of a beautiful mosaic put together by God.