Top of the Tree

Oh, the things that I can see
From the top of the family tree
The view it seems, is much more clear
It’s the simple things that I hold dear

The things on which I depend
Are Jesus, family, work and friends
I’ve realized life is just too short
For drama, pettiness, control and the sort

I’m letting go of the younger me
Embracing the one I’m now to be
I’m entering into a new life season
Which has come for many reasons

So, in humility I take my turn
I’m stepping up with much to learn
I’ll keep my heart open to His teaching
And to Jesus, I’ll always be reaching

Struggles and Joy

I keep reading in different places and hearing sermons on struggle, pain and grief and how it relates to joy. It seems that our struggle, pain and grief expand our capacity to feel and experience joy. But, not until we’ve gone through it. I keep thinking about the song that I heard last night “Come to Jesus” I can always come to Jesus and let Him hold me in His arms.

I’ve had struggles, pain and grief for about 2+ years now. When will I get through to the other side? There are times during this season that I have stuffed my feelings and not fully experienced and leaned into them or Jesus. I think that’s how I was raised. When I’ve been alone, there have been times I poured out to God my frustrations and pain about Titus (my cat that I had to have put to sleep recently), my Mom(who just died recently), etc. but I wonder if I did it to the extent that I needed to. But now, I’m not going to deliberately conjure up feelings just for the sake of having them, I don’t think that’s what is meant by fully experiencing grief and pain. I believe what it meant by that is when the feelings naturally come to the surface, don’t stuff them – welcome them and feel them, totally and completely. The trouble was when Brandy (a cat I had to have put to sleep in 2009) was nearing the end and after Mom died the time the feelings would hit me were when I was driving, usually on the freeway. Well, I can’t fall apart on the freeway! Usually I was on my way to a class or a meeting. When I found out about Elsie dying, as soon as I hung up the phone I bawled, sobbing into my hands at the kitchen table, then a found myself falling in a heap of sorrow.  I’m trying to take this as it comes and experience all that comes with it.

Struggles and Joy

Is it true struggle, grief, pain and strife
Are the things that expand joy in our life?
If so, I should soon be the most joyous person around
‘Cause for over 2 years grief and struggles have abound

I often think I’ve gotten to the other side
Then I find out someone else has died
This season that I’m going through
Is the hardest thing I’ve had to do

When oh God will it end?
When will my heart mend?
When will the joy begin to show?
When will my character start to grow?

I guess I haven’t yet mastered endurance
But, I believe the promise, I have assurance
That if I fully experience this ache
That’s exactly what it will take

For depth, character and strength to form in me
And to enter into joy and experience it fully
And so I wait and I pray
Knowing that there will come a day

When from these ashes I will rise
Standing tall and a little more wise

Seasons of Life

They say to everything there is a season
There is a purpose and there is a reason
The reasons are rarely revealed to me
I seem to stumble along, unable to see.

I’m nearing the end of a season that felt dark
And forever in my soul, it has left its mark
In hindsight I can see God was always there
Guiding and loving me with utmost care

I can now see there was a purpose for it all
God was stretching me, urging me to stand tall
And like a baby, I’m wobbly and I stumble
I cry, complain and sometimes mumble

I fight each new season; not wanting to enter in
I cling to the old; it’s hard to leave where I’ve been
It’s familiar, feels safe and I know the landscape
My feeling of belonging there is hard to shake

To be the oldest generation on the family tree
Is something I didn’t consider I’d be
I never seemed to give it much thought
How to grow old isn’t something I was taught

This season of growing older, I desire to do well
To younger generations, my experiences I can tell
To share the mistakes and lessons of my journey
And the many places where God has met me

Desert Place

I’m living in a waiting season
I know God has me here for a reason
The thing to which He’s calling me
Isn’t yet clear for me to see.

But, there is one thing I know
It’s an invitation for me to grow
And to live more fully in His Kingdom
Walking in faith, peace and freedom

It’s not fun being in this desert place
It seems so hard to see God’s face
I’m wandering around, not sure where to go
With so many questions, it’s hard to know.

I have to trust and have no fear
Knowing that God is always near
He’s working it out for my good and His glory
When He’s done, it’ll be a beautiful story

Living in the Shadows

I’ve been living in shadows for a few years,
Many times I think the end must be near.
Then a new shadow comes and blocks the light,
Again, the sunshine seems out of sight.

I keep moving ahead without a chart
Through the shadows and in the dark
I’m walking by faith and not by sight
Resisting the urge to put up a fight

What does God have here for me?
He’s teaching me a new way to see.
Showing me in shadows, light can be found
And even in darkness joy can abound

When God is done and I am purged
Then from the shadows, I will emerge
A better version of who I used to be
Standing tall for all to see.

Waves of Grief

I’m thankful for the waves of grief,
Because between them, I find relief
The frequency and size are never the same
Some hit hard and others are quite tame

They are uncontrollable as they come and go
Their size, intensity and duration I never know.
I have no choice but to see them through
And let them do what they will do

They’ve hit me hard and knocked me down
I wondered if I’d come around
But I look to Jesus and don’t lose sight
And hang on to Him with all my might

I know in my heart each wave will pass
For they are not intended to last
Something deep is being formed in me
For this, I am grateful for the waves I see.

Grief

Grief looks different on everyone
For me, it took six months to come
It’s so late that it somehow seems wrong
That these feelings would be so strong

Not that grief wasn’t there right away
But it didn’t hang around to stay
Now it’s as if it’s part of me
Death is in everything I see

I was away from home without a lifeline
My mom played that role all the time
The extent of my loss became crystal clear
It’s sad to let go of my mother so dear

Feeling Like an Outsider

I always felt like a black sheep
The feeling’s as old as it is deep
My siblings were chosen, I was not
It was a status I constantly sought

This desire and struggle followed me through life
Creating poor choices and much strife
In certain situations things haven’t changed
That outsider feeling still remains

One day last April, my mom died
The entire family was by her side
She was my best friend and the family’s glue
Now I’m an outsider and an orphan too

So, I turn to Jesus; He’s my only source
I can trust in Him to keep me on course
He’ll walk beside me and show me the way
Step by step and day by day