I’m not a Fan

I was off between Christmas and New Years and it was a lot of sitting around, TV, movies and football. I did go to workout a few days but overall it was boring.

I thought about my three months off and realize I don’t want it to be like this. I did work a little during the week and was so grateful I had a little to do.

So three months. What am I going to do? Yes it will be nicer weather so there will be more options.

What about retirement? That will include all kinds of weather.

I’m not a fan.

I just want to work.

January 4, 2024

Play and Rest

So far Amanda has gone and come back from her restoration time. Kati is on her third month and Annie-Claude just left, Robyn took a month. Robyn didn’t speak before leaving or on returning. Amanda talked to all staff before going and gave a report when she returned. Kati and Annie-Claude both talked before going.

I talked to another staff member and we agreed it feels like we’re expected to talk before and after. Neither of us want to. I want to go into it without expectations and I want to return not having to report anything. Reporting makes it feel like we’re expected to have a result, an awakening, epiphany or something. If I go into it knowing or feeling like I’m expected to have a result, I will work at making it happen. I don’t want that to be what this time is. I want to not work at manufacturing anything or watching, working… I don’t know. I’m going to talk to Anna about it.

My theme is going to be Play and Rest.

September 14, 2023

Jesus help me

So, I’m a planner and I like control, also a perfectionist. I want to plan this restoration time. Control it. Do it perfectly.

Maybe what God wants for me is to relax – no plans – no control – be OK with what it is, whatever it is. Maybe I just get up each day and spend time with Jesus and go with whatever. Some days I might get direction from Jesus, other days I won’t.

Stay in the moment, live each day as it comes. Be OK with what it is.

Can I do that?

Jesus help me.

Musings

So, I’ve been getting warmed up to this plan. I’m looking forward to it. BUT…I find myself planning things to keep me busy. Bill at the beginning said I should take a two week vacation and I just might. We talked about a week together in Ely because we never get that alone time. DC vacation? Perhaps I go a few days ahead? Ely week with Bill? Retreat cabin by Alexandria, alone Sunday to Friday? Maybe the retreat cabin a second time Friday to Sunday? Ely with family, Joyce Meyer women’s convention? Day trips! Buffalo, Stillwater, Duluth? Biking, hiking, bowling, movies…!

Maybe because I have these plans it doesn’t seem so bad. Maybe I should have no plans?

June 27, 2023

Restoration Plan

Restoration Plan is what they’re calling it, it’s like a sabbatical. Up to three months off with pay. I should be ecstatic! When I worked for the City I would’ve jumped at this. Now…I don’t know…I feel scared. It took my breath away. My thoughts are all over the place.

What will I do? I’ll be bored. I don’t have any friends. Who will I talk to other than Bill? I won’t be needed. I won’t be productive and being productive gives me worth and value (my identity). They’ll find out they don’t need me. They won’t let me go because too many or no one can replace me. Can’t I just not do it? A two week solo vacation is intriguing (Bill offered). Handing off work feels scary–it’s mine. I don’t want to lose it. What if I don’t get it back? Are they going to do my tasks right when I’m gone? I feel clutchy–it’s mine. I don’t want to let it go.

All this is running through my head. I don’t want to take it but I know I’m supposed to. God wants to be with me. He has things to do with me. Maybe He’ll show me what retirement will be like. I had six months off during COVID and I feel like we just got back and I don’t need a break or a rest, I’m fine. Yet, the more I think I don’t need it, the more I know I do.

What a gift! Three months with pay. I don’t have to earn it, I’m not worthy of it, I don’t deserve it, but yet I’m being offered this. It’s beautiful. It’s one of the ways God shows me love. I’ve signed up for August, September and October 2024.

It’s coming fast.

I’ll keep you posted 🙂

April 19, 2023