I’m a Pharisee

My husband and I attended a concert last weekend; it was Chris Tomlin and Matt Redmond. We had good seats, Row G right in the front, just a little off to the right. We were 10 minutes late and the usher was seating us, we got to the seats and other people were sitting in them. The usher asked them to move and they showed him their e-ticket. The usher brought us to the lobby. Right away I was thinking that we would get exceptional seats because some of the preferred seats would still be open. We went to the lobby and a clerk was helping us she said there were apparently duplicate tickets issued for the same seats. She told us she had extra tickets available for us and they were good seats. It turned out the seats were in row W in the upper balcony!

I had been biting my tongue the entire time and now I moved over to my husband and said loud enough for the others to hear “too bad we were 10 minutes late or we would have been in the seats first and they would have to be bumped instead of us”. Another person who worked there looked our name up on the computer and said the row G seats were our seats and the people that were in them had to move. I was relieved. My husband however felt bad for the people that would have to move into bad seats. I didn’t feel bad for them. He thought: “people that would come to a concert like this wouldn’t deliberately take the wrong seats…” The usher went to tell them to move and came back with their paperwork on the e-ticket that they had been issued. The person helping us looked their name up on the computer and found out they were in the wrong seats; they were supposed to be in row E — center section, isle seats. The usher and the clerk both said, well those seats are open and if you want them, you can sit there. We said fine and sat there. It turned out they were better seats and the other people didn’t have to be moved.

I felt so bad because of the way I behaved, my attitude and the statements that I made to my husband making those statements deliberately so the people working there would hear me. That was not Christ-like. I sat in my new seat and just put my head in my hands and cried because how can I love God whom I can’t see when I can’t love the people I can see? How can God use me when I can’t even act right? And I want so much to please God, I want Him to look at me and be proud of my behavior, to be proud of His daughter. I want to be used by God, I want so much to be holy, obedient and loving. Yet, in my day to day thoughts, words, attitudes and actions, I don’t display those characteristics.

Since then, I have been praying for Jesus show me when I’m being critical, judgmental and unloving. I find myself constantly commenting out loud and to myself in my car different slamming remarks about other drivers. If I have the chance, I give them “the look” so perhaps they will feel bad about their behavior, and figure out what they did wrong. I’m such a Pharisee! God help me. I feel almost defeated, like there is just no hope for me, but as soon as I think that thought, I know it’s wrong. It’s from Satan and not true. Instead I thank Jesus for showing me my behavior and acknowledge it is wrong and tell Jesus if He doesn’t help me there is going to be no improvement whatsoever. I find I am critical, angry and judgmental about people I encounter at work, finding fault, nitpicking and analyzing others. Like I’m perfect! Help me Jesus, I can’t do this!!! I will not, cannot change without You! Even though I desperately desire to change, I can’t do this on my own, I will only get worse, I need Jesus, I thank Him each and every time I recognize fault within myself.