No Tears
I first noticed it when my mom died. My whole family was at the hospital. Mom was in intensive care and I’m not sure about the others but I really didn’t understand what exactly was wrong with her or what was going to happen. My sister had told me earlier in the day that Mom was really sick and might not make it through the night. She had only been there since 3pm and she died at 10:30pm. She went fast and it was unexpected. We all stood around her bed in that small room said goodbye and watched the machine as her heart slowly quit beating. As soon as she died we all started crying. I was sobbing on my husband’s shoulder and I realized that I was crying but I had no tears. I mentioned it to him and he just shrugged his shoulders. I continued to cry.
The next time I noticed it was 6 months later when we were in China. We were with a tour group and we were scheduled to go to the Temple of Heaven but there was something special going on there and we couldn’t go. Our tour guide, Hao took us to a Buddhist Temple instead. It was the only sunny day we had while in Beijing. We got off the bus and waited while Hao bought our tickets and then we all started walking along the path that led to the temple. The path was pretty, there were many trees and it had a nice feel to it. It wasn’t a very long walk maybe a block long in American terms. Almost right away I could smell the incense burning. I love incense; it smelled good, like frankincense. The first thing we saw was a lot of people around a couple of big square iron containers that were open on the top and had smoke and flames coming out of them. People approached the containers and lit their incense. I was amazed and speechless at this scene. All I could do was stand there; I had never seen anything like it. There was so much smoke it was thick; people were lighting up to 500 sticks of incense at a time! It was incredible. After they lit their incense they prayed; some still holding their incense, others not. Many stood there with their eyes closed and hands clasped, others kneeled or bowed. When they were finished they threw their remaining incense in one of the burners as an offering.
This was just the beginning. There were many buildings on the grounds and most of them had at least 3 Buddha statues in them. The statues represented the various characteristics of Buddha. People found the Buddha that represented what they needed that day and would bow/pray in front of it. We walked through each building; my guess is that there were 7-8 buildings that we went through. There were other buildings to the right and left of us but we just went through the center ones. I kept thinking of the worshippers as I walked through these buildings. I thought about how reverent they were and how many of them were there on an early Monday morning. I wanted to pray for them and I didn’t know how; it just seemed too huge. When we were at the last building, Hao gave us some time to go through the other buildings on our own and then meet back at the bus. That last building was fairly dark, yet I had my sunglasses on; I was so close to crying. I turned to go out and my husband, Bill asked me what was wrong and I said “nothing”. He kept asking and took my shoulders and turned me towards him and I just burst into sobs. I told him how I felt, that I wanted to pray for these people, they were so lost and it wasn’t their fault, they had been lied to for generations! This was what they knew. It just seemed so big, there were so many of them and this was just a small sample of how many there were in the world. And again, what I noticed is that I had no tears. I was sobbing uncontrollably and yet no tears.
My favorite Aunt died in November and I was heartbroken. She was 96 years old and we had just visited her a few weeks earlier. I was so close to her even though she lived far away. I admired her and she was my spiritual mentor even though she didn’t know it. She looked like my mom and she was the only one left that did. I look like my mom too so it somehow really meant something to have someone on this earth that looked like me; someone I had that connection with. I received the news by phone and when I hung up I literally fell on the floor and sobbed. Again, no tears.
I’ve had so much to cry about these last few years and no tears. In two years, I’ve had to put two of my cats to sleep; one was 17 and the other was almost 16 and both my mom and my aunt have died.
I found out a couple of days ago that I have Sjogren’s Syndrome. When the Dr. told me I thought it involved just having dryness: dry eyes, mouth and dryness in general. It seems 50% of people with Sjogren’s have Lupus as well so I just thought it was another thing. However, after I googled it I found out so much more: It’s chronic and it’s progressive. It’s an autoimmune disease where the white blood cells attack the moisture-producing glands. It’s systemic and affects the entire body. Sjogren’s can cause dysfunction of kidneys, gastrointestinal system, blood vessels, lungs, liver, pancreas, and the central nervous system. Patients may also experience extreme fatigue and joint pain and have a higher risk of developing lymphoma. They experience “brain fog”, acid reflux, numbness and tingling in the extremities, etc. Finding this out explains a lot for me. I have many of these symptoms. However, I’m not sure how I feel about this news. I’m still processing it. It’s a lot to take in and it can be very scary to think about.
I was put on prescription eye drops by my Eye Dr. mid December to help produce fluid; they’ve talked to me about putting plugs in my eyes so my fluid doesn’t drain. My rheumatologist put me on a prescription of pills that will take up to 12 weeks to fully work.
I’m looking forward to the day I can cry again.
I will celebrate my tears.
You number and record my wanderings; put my tears into Your bottle–are they not in Your book? Psalm 56:8
Thus says the Lord, the God of David your [forefather]: I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears; behold, I will heal you. 2 Kings 20:5b
They who sow in tears shall reap in joy and singing. Psalm 126:5
He will swallow up death [in victory; He will abolish death forever]. And the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces. Isaiah 25:8a
It never occurred to me to think back to when your Mom passed away. God gave us tears for a reason as He did the ability to feel and to cry. I hope that one day you can fully cry. I love you and thank you for sharing as you do on your site here.
Yours,
me
I was at a PCM conference once, and Leann Payne prayed on the crowd for the gift of tears. Tears flow easily from my eyes, perhaps too easily, so I didn’t understand it as a gift. In this perspective, I will pray for you the gift of tears. We’re walking this part of your journey together. And, somehow I know that Our Father will meet us both.
Thank you, Julia. I’m grateful God gives us others that walk the same path. I’m sorry it had to be you and yet, I’m thankful it’s you.