Seasons of Life

They say to everything there is a season
There is a purpose and there is a reason
The reasons are rarely revealed to me
I seem to stumble along, unable to see.

I’m nearing the end of a season that felt dark
And forever in my soul, it has left its mark
In hindsight I can see God was always there
Guiding and loving me with utmost care

I can now see there was a purpose for it all
God was stretching me, urging me to stand tall
And like a baby, I’m wobbly and I stumble
I cry, complain and sometimes mumble

I fight each new season; not wanting to enter in
I cling to the old; it’s hard to leave where I’ve been
It’s familiar, feels safe and I know the landscape
My feeling of belonging there is hard to shake

To be the oldest generation on the family tree
Is something I didn’t consider I’d be
I never seemed to give it much thought
How to grow old isn’t something I was taught

This season of growing older, I desire to do well
To younger generations, my experiences I can tell
To share the mistakes and lessons of my journey
And the many places where God has met me

Desert Place

I’m living in a waiting season
I know God has me here for a reason
The thing to which He’s calling me
Isn’t yet clear for me to see.

But, there is one thing I know
It’s an invitation for me to grow
And to live more fully in His Kingdom
Walking in faith, peace and freedom

It’s not fun being in this desert place
It seems so hard to see God’s face
I’m wandering around, not sure where to go
With so many questions, it’s hard to know.

I have to trust and have no fear
Knowing that God is always near
He’s working it out for my good and His glory
When He’s done, it’ll be a beautiful story

Living in the Shadows

I’ve been living in shadows for a few years,
Many times I think the end must be near.
Then a new shadow comes and blocks the light,
Again, the sunshine seems out of sight.

I keep moving ahead without a chart
Through the shadows and in the dark
I’m walking by faith and not by sight
Resisting the urge to put up a fight

What does God have here for me?
He’s teaching me a new way to see.
Showing me in shadows, light can be found
And even in darkness joy can abound

When God is done and I am purged
Then from the shadows, I will emerge
A better version of who I used to be
Standing tall for all to see.

Waves of Grief

I’m thankful for the waves of grief,
Because between them, I find relief
The frequency and size are never the same
Some hit hard and others are quite tame

They are uncontrollable as they come and go
Their size, intensity and duration I never know.
I have no choice but to see them through
And let them do what they will do

They’ve hit me hard and knocked me down
I wondered if I’d come around
But I look to Jesus and don’t lose sight
And hang on to Him with all my might

I know in my heart each wave will pass
For they are not intended to last
Something deep is being formed in me
For this, I am grateful for the waves I see.

Grief

Grief looks different on everyone
For me, it took six months to come
It’s so late that it somehow seems wrong
That these feelings would be so strong

Not that grief wasn’t there right away
But it didn’t hang around to stay
Now it’s as if it’s part of me
Death is in everything I see

I was away from home without a lifeline
My mom played that role all the time
The extent of my loss became crystal clear
It’s sad to let go of my mother so dear

Feeling Like an Outsider

I always felt like a black sheep
The feeling’s as old as it is deep
My siblings were chosen, I was not
It was a status I constantly sought

This desire and struggle followed me through life
Creating poor choices and much strife
In certain situations things haven’t changed
That outsider feeling still remains

One day last April, my mom died
The entire family was by her side
She was my best friend and the family’s glue
Now I’m an outsider and an orphan too

So, I turn to Jesus; He’s my only source
I can trust in Him to keep me on course
He’ll walk beside me and show me the way
Step by step and day by day

I’m Powerless

This last week has been really crazy for me. I’ve been reminded over and over just how powerless I am. How powerless we all are.

Last Monday, I was at North Memorial in Maple Grove with Bill. He was getting a test done as an outpatient. While I was waiting for him my niece called and told me my Mom had been taken to the Hospital by ambulance. She didn’t have any other information – just that.

I called and verified that my mom had just arrived in the ER and they were checking her out – they’d call when they had more information. So, when Bill got done we went from North Memorial in Maple Grove to North Memorial in Robbinsdale. The bottom line is that mom has a blood clot in her heart. She’s home now but she has a long road ahead of her yet.

Through this God has been showing me and teaching me many things:
• To live one day at a time; sometimes one moment at a time.
• To be fully present to each moment.
• I am powerless and I have to continually turn things over to Him – that’s been my entire week this week.
• He’s showing me just how precious each moment is and not to take anything for granted.
• He’s shown me the love He has for His children and that no matter how old we are – we’re still His children.
• That He gives us the strength and grace we need for each day – our “daily bread”.
• He’s shown me the importance of family and friends and that they really make a difference in our lives.
• He’s shown me the reality of “we can make our plans, but He directs our steps”
• that ultimately He’s in control. And we – are powerless.

Here’s a “physical heart-snapshot”
One of the cool things He showed me is the complex and unique way He has created us. I was in the room when Mom got an ultrasound done of her heart. At one point the image on the screen was like a little cone head person (you can tell I’m a 70’s SNL fan) I think there was more than one but I could really only see one (because of the size of the screen) and this little cone head person; was praising God! It was kinda like jumping jacks yet not really. It would raise it’s hands in praise and then back down to touch the other cone head person.

I really think it was her heart pumping and the valves letting the blood flow by and then blocking it again. I’m not sure. But to me, in that moment it was cone head people praising God. I just thought – wow, even our hearts praise God with every beat!

Jesus Loves Us in Unique and Special Ways

Wednesday I had a doctor’s appointment that I hadn’t really been looking forward to. (Although, who ever looks forward to doctor appointments?) Tuesday two friends of mine prayed for me and Wednesday when I woke up I was calm and peaceful; I was ready to go.

I always look on the top of the street light poles for red tail hawks and when I see one, I think it’s from Jesus. I think He’s giving me a special “hello, I see you, you’re mine” that day. Well, this day, as we’re driving to my appointment, I see a Bald Eagle on top of the street light pole!

Bald Eagles have always been very special to me. They’ve always been a sign, like a special gift from Jesus to me. There are times I ask to see them (and deer) when I’m up north and whenever I do, I thank Jesus right away and I marvel at their beauty and majesty. They mean freedom, strength, power, protection, beauty, peace, joy, watching over me and that everything will be OK. They are really majestic to me. Well, this day when I saw one; (IN THE CITY!!!) I knew Jesus was with me in a very special way.

I’m so thankful that I have a Lord and Savior who cares about me personally, who sees me, knows my name and loves me in a very unique and special way.