Power of Prayer

I’m very fortunate to have grown up in a Christian home; it taught me the power of prayer. Even before I was born I had people who prayed for me. My mother had several miscarriages and a child that died a few hours after birth in the hospital. For those reasons, she was told she was unable to have children. When she found out she was pregnant with me she didn’t expect the pregnancy to go full term. I’m sure all of our family was praying for me in my mother’s womb. Those prayers were very effective because I was born healthy. For the last 15 years my aunt Elsie has reminded me every time I visited her that I’m a miracle.

I know my Grandma, Dad, Mom and Aunt prayed for me daily for my entire life.  I’m sure that’s why some things turned out the way they did. Looking back, I can see many times that I should have died but didn’t. I’m sure this protection was because of the prayer covering that I had over my life.  Now, I’m 52 and at the top of the family tree; I’m the oldest generation. One at a time, I’ve lost all of the four people that prayed daily for me throughout my lifetime.  I miss that; prayer is so valuable. It’s the most important thing one person can give to someone else.

Knowing the value and importance of prayer and being at the top of the tree I feel it’s my turn to provide this daily prayer for the younger generations in my family. The problem is I’m really bad at it, I’m trying but I’m not there yet.

So please, pray for those you love; pray for those you don’t love….just pray! Partner with God and see what kind of protection and miracles you can be part of. You just might be surprised!

No Tears

I first noticed it when my mom died. My whole family was at the hospital. Mom was in intensive care and I’m not sure about the others but I really didn’t understand what exactly was wrong with her or what was going to happen. My sister had told me earlier in the day that Mom was really sick and might not make it through the night. She had only been there since 3pm and she died at 10:30pm. She went fast and it was unexpected. We all stood around her bed in that small room said goodbye and watched the machine as her heart slowly quit beating. As soon as she died we all started crying. I was sobbing on my husband’s shoulder and I realized that I was crying but I had no tears. I mentioned it to him and he just shrugged his shoulders. I continued to cry.

The next time I noticed it was 6 months later when we were in China. We were with a tour group and we were scheduled to go to the Temple of Heaven but there was something special going on there and we couldn’t go. Our tour guide, Hao took us to a Buddhist Temple instead. It was the only sunny day we had while in Beijing. We got off the bus and waited while Hao bought our tickets and then we all started walking along the path that led to the temple. The path was pretty, there were many trees and it had a nice feel to it. It wasn’t a very long walk maybe a block long in American terms. Almost right away I could smell the incense burning. I love incense; it smelled good, like frankincense. The first thing we saw was a lot of people around a couple of big square iron containers that were open on the top and had smoke and flames coming out of them. People approached the containers and lit their incense. I was amazed and speechless at this scene. All I could do was stand there; I had never seen anything like it. There was so much smoke it was thick; people were lighting up to 500 sticks of incense at a time! It was incredible. After they lit their incense they prayed; some still holding their incense, others not. Many stood there with their eyes closed and hands clasped, others kneeled or bowed. When they were finished they threw their remaining incense in one of the burners as an offering.

This was just the beginning. There were many buildings on the grounds and most of them had at least 3 Buddha statues in them. The statues represented the various characteristics of Buddha. People found the Buddha that represented what they needed that day and would bow/pray in front of it. We walked through each building; my guess is that there were 7-8 buildings that we went through. There were other buildings to the right and left of us but we just went through the center ones. I kept thinking of the worshippers as I walked through these buildings. I thought about how reverent they were and how many of them were there on an early Monday morning. I wanted to pray for them and I didn’t know how; it just seemed too huge. When we were at the last building, Hao gave us some time to go through the other buildings on our own and then meet back at the bus. That last building was fairly dark, yet I had my sunglasses on; I was so close to crying. I turned to go out and my husband, Bill asked me what was wrong and I said “nothing”. He kept asking and took my shoulders and turned me towards him and I just burst into sobs. I told him how I felt, that I wanted to pray for these people, they were so lost and it wasn’t their fault, they had been lied to for generations! This was what they knew. It just seemed so big, there were so many of them and this was just a small sample of how many there were in the world. And again, what I noticed is that I had no tears. I was sobbing uncontrollably and yet no tears.

My favorite Aunt died in November and I was heartbroken. She was 96 years old and we had just visited her a few weeks earlier. I was so close to her even though she lived far away. I admired her and she was my spiritual mentor even though she didn’t know it. She looked like my mom and she was the only one left that did. I look like my mom too so it somehow really meant something to have someone on this earth that looked like me; someone I had that connection with. I received the news by phone and when I hung up I literally fell on the floor and sobbed.  Again, no tears.

I’ve had so much to cry about these last few years and no tears. In two years, I’ve had to put two of my cats to sleep; one was 17 and the other was almost 16 and both my mom and my aunt have died.

I found out a couple of days ago that I have Sjogren’s Syndrome. When the Dr. told me I thought it involved just having dryness: dry eyes, mouth and dryness in general. It seems 50% of people with Sjogren’s have Lupus as well so I just thought it was another thing. However, after I googled it I found out so much more: It’s chronic and it’s progressive. It’s an autoimmune disease where the white blood cells attack the moisture-producing glands. It’s systemic and affects the entire body. Sjogren’s can cause dysfunction of kidneys, gastrointestinal system, blood vessels, lungs, liver, pancreas, and the central nervous system. Patients may also experience extreme fatigue and joint pain and have a higher risk of developing lymphoma. They experience “brain fog”, acid reflux, numbness and tingling in the extremities, etc. Finding this out explains a lot for me. I have many of these symptoms. However, I’m not sure how I feel about this news. I’m still processing it. It’s a lot to take in and it can be very scary to think about.

I was put on prescription eye drops by my Eye Dr. mid December to help produce fluid; they’ve talked to me about putting plugs in my eyes so my fluid doesn’t drain. My rheumatologist put me on a prescription of pills that will take up to 12 weeks to fully work.

I’m looking forward to the day I can cry again.

I will celebrate my tears.

You number and record my wanderings; put my tears into Your bottle–are they not in Your book?   Psalm 56:8

Thus says the Lord, the God of David your [forefather]: I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears; behold, I will heal you. 2 Kings 20:5b

They who sow in tears shall reap in joy and singing. Psalm 126:5

He will swallow up death [in victory; He will abolish death forever]. And the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces.  Isaiah 25:8a

Struggles and Joy

I keep reading in different places and hearing sermons on struggle, pain and grief and how it relates to joy. It seems that our struggle, pain and grief expand our capacity to feel and experience joy. But, not until we’ve gone through it. I keep thinking about the song that I heard last night “Come to Jesus” I can always come to Jesus and let Him hold me in His arms.

I’ve had struggles, pain and grief for about 2+ years now. When will I get through to the other side? There are times during this season that I have stuffed my feelings and not fully experienced and leaned into them or Jesus. I think that’s how I was raised. When I’ve been alone, there have been times I poured out to God my frustrations and pain about Titus (my cat that I had to have put to sleep recently), my Mom(who just died recently), etc. but I wonder if I did it to the extent that I needed to. But now, I’m not going to deliberately conjure up feelings just for the sake of having them, I don’t think that’s what is meant by fully experiencing grief and pain. I believe what it meant by that is when the feelings naturally come to the surface, don’t stuff them – welcome them and feel them, totally and completely. The trouble was when Brandy (a cat I had to have put to sleep in 2009) was nearing the end and after Mom died the time the feelings would hit me were when I was driving, usually on the freeway. Well, I can’t fall apart on the freeway! Usually I was on my way to a class or a meeting. When I found out about Elsie dying, as soon as I hung up the phone I bawled, sobbing into my hands at the kitchen table, then a found myself falling in a heap of sorrow.  I’m trying to take this as it comes and experience all that comes with it.

Struggles and Joy

Is it true struggle, grief, pain and strife
Are the things that expand joy in our life?
If so, I should soon be the most joyous person around
‘Cause for over 2 years grief and struggles have abound

I often think I’ve gotten to the other side
Then I find out someone else has died
This season that I’m going through
Is the hardest thing I’ve had to do

When oh God will it end?
When will my heart mend?
When will the joy begin to show?
When will my character start to grow?

I guess I haven’t yet mastered endurance
But, I believe the promise, I have assurance
That if I fully experience this ache
That’s exactly what it will take

For depth, character and strength to form in me
And to enter into joy and experience it fully
And so I wait and I pray
Knowing that there will come a day

When from these ashes I will rise
Standing tall and a little more wise

Desert Place

I’m living in a waiting season
I know God has me here for a reason
The thing to which He’s calling me
Isn’t yet clear for me to see.

But, there is one thing I know
It’s an invitation for me to grow
And to live more fully in His Kingdom
Walking in faith, peace and freedom

It’s not fun being in this desert place
It seems so hard to see God’s face
I’m wandering around, not sure where to go
With so many questions, it’s hard to know.

I have to trust and have no fear
Knowing that God is always near
He’s working it out for my good and His glory
When He’s done, it’ll be a beautiful story

Living in the Shadows

I’ve been living in shadows for a few years,
Many times I think the end must be near.
Then a new shadow comes and blocks the light,
Again, the sunshine seems out of sight.

I keep moving ahead without a chart
Through the shadows and in the dark
I’m walking by faith and not by sight
Resisting the urge to put up a fight

What does God have here for me?
He’s teaching me a new way to see.
Showing me in shadows, light can be found
And even in darkness joy can abound

When God is done and I am purged
Then from the shadows, I will emerge
A better version of who I used to be
Standing tall for all to see.

Waves of Grief

I’m thankful for the waves of grief,
Because between them, I find relief
The frequency and size are never the same
Some hit hard and others are quite tame

They are uncontrollable as they come and go
Their size, intensity and duration I never know.
I have no choice but to see them through
And let them do what they will do

They’ve hit me hard and knocked me down
I wondered if I’d come around
But I look to Jesus and don’t lose sight
And hang on to Him with all my might

I know in my heart each wave will pass
For they are not intended to last
Something deep is being formed in me
For this, I am grateful for the waves I see.

Grief

Grief looks different on everyone
For me, it took six months to come
It’s so late that it somehow seems wrong
That these feelings would be so strong

Not that grief wasn’t there right away
But it didn’t hang around to stay
Now it’s as if it’s part of me
Death is in everything I see

I was away from home without a lifeline
My mom played that role all the time
The extent of my loss became crystal clear
It’s sad to let go of my mother so dear

Feeling Like an Outsider

I always felt like a black sheep
The feeling’s as old as it is deep
My siblings were chosen, I was not
It was a status I constantly sought

This desire and struggle followed me through life
Creating poor choices and much strife
In certain situations things haven’t changed
That outsider feeling still remains

One day last April, my mom died
The entire family was by her side
She was my best friend and the family’s glue
Now I’m an outsider and an orphan too

So, I turn to Jesus; He’s my only source
I can trust in Him to keep me on course
He’ll walk beside me and show me the way
Step by step and day by day