Psalm

God, you are my God and I will praise You until my last breath. You hold and sustain the universe and everything in it. You give life! You are love. You’ve created far more than we will ever know. We don’t have telescopes that can see that far, deep and wide. And yet, You know me, not just my name, but me and You love me. You know my mistakes, my dark places, and my heart.

You have a call and a purpose for each one of us. Forgive me for not living to the fullest that You’ve created me to be. Show me, give me fresh eyes and clarity; the boldness to step out, trusting that You will be with me.

I know I don’t believe that I am who You say I am or can do what you say I can do. Increase my faith God, increase my love for You, my husband, my family and for Your people.

I want nothing less than all You have for me, teach me how to receive it, to believe I can carry it and give it away.

“Promise You’ll keep on speaking to me,
And I will listen to You solely,
So the only words that fall from my lips are Yours.
Promise You’ll warm my face with Your glow
and I will breathe You into my soul.
So I can be more like You in these remaining days”

 

Epiphany

I’m a day dreamer, I admit it. I love to dream, plan and look forward to things. One of my favorite things to dream about in the last 20 years has been where to move when I retire. It started with Virginia, MN or Vermilion and if I could I’d go south; maybe Texas for the winter.  Next I became a Christian and wanted to move to St Louis to work for Joyce Meyer and live there. I visited my Aunt Elsie for the first time in 1997 in Sun City, AZ and my focus changed. I was going to move there! I almost made it there but God kept stopping me.

My husband and I realized that AZ isn’t for us unless we could be snowbirds so we got interested in Boise, ID or Bend, OR. Bend we can’t really afford and Boise has hot temperatures for extended periods in the summer. So, not a good idea.

We just returned from a vacation in Austria and Slovenia and while we were away I had an epiphany. I guess I’m finally old enough to know what I want or maybe I was just open to what God had to show me; I don’t know. I realized that all these years when my thoughts were about weather; I was very wrong. I was so focused on seasons, temperature, humidity and dew point I didn’t see what it was I really needed to be happy. I was looking at external things; environment. Now, I realize it’s not about that, it’s about the inner things like peace, calm, a slower pace and less hectic. Being around people I know and love.

I’m grateful; God not only opens doors but He shuts them too.

My Hall of Faith

Hebrews 11 is called the Hall of Faith chapter in the Bible. It speaks of people who have gone before us who were filled with faith; extraordinary faith.

Enoch walked so closely with God that he didn’t die; he was taken to heaven by God because of his great faith.

Noah obeyed God when he was told to build an ark. It had never rained; no one knew what rain was, much less a flood! Noah was obedient and did as he was told; he believed God and had faith that what God said would come to pass. He became an heir of righteousness.

Abraham believed God by going to a place he did not know, He also brought his son Isaac to be offered up as a sacrifice because he trusted and had faith in God. God promised him he would be the father of many nations and his descendants would outnumber the stars in the sky.

These people and more had great faith in God. Some of them died before seeing the fulfillment of the promise God had given them. Who are the people in your Hall of Faith?  I have had several over the course of my life and I am incredibly grateful for each and every one of them. My Grandma prayed for all of us kids; she didn’t live to see us as adults but her prayers carried us and I’m sure they made a huge difference in our lives. I wonder where I’d be if I didn’t have the prayers of my Grandma.

My dad prayed for me everyday, he died when I was 32. I became a Christian at 34.  My mom told me that my dad would tell her not to worry about me because I was going to turn out OK. He knew it because every time he prayed for me he felt peace. God let him know his prayers were being answered. Even though he didn’t live long enough to see the fulfillment of his prayers, he believed and he was obedient.

My mom also
prayed for me everyday. She never gave up on me. We had our moments just like all mothers and daughters do but she never gave up. She did get to see the answer to her prayers. My mom and I were very close when she died.

My aunt Elsie was a Spiritual voice in my life. I visited her every year, sometimes a couple times a year for the last 10-12 years she was alive (she lived in AZ). Every time I was there, she showed me her prayer list at least a couple of times. She prayed for everyone on the list everyday; she prayed for me and my husband every morning and every night. I miss her prayer covering.

These are a few of the people in my life’s Hall of Faith. I recognize them and thank them for the role they’ve played in my life. I thank them for being obedient to God; for praying and not giving up on me.

If you’re praying for people in your life. Don’t give up. God is at work even though you may not be aware of what He’s doing.

Confused

Lately God has me confused. Well, let me re-phrase that. I’m confused because I’m busy trying to figure out God andwhat He’s up to and where He’s bringing me.

Over 6 months ago my husband and I decided to help my friend launch a new church. We took it on as a short term mission project because neither of us felt called to leave the church we were going to which also the place I work.  Within 2-3 weeks God made it clear to both of us that He was calling us to leave our church. I’ve attended this church for 16 years (and on and off for 3 years prior) and my husband had attended for 11 years. We weren’t sure what God was up to but we obeyed. I assumed my job was part of the package and I was to leave it as well. I was grieving leaving my job because I enjoy it and I love the volunteers I serve with. I have at least 150 I oversee and manage.

I started to look for jobs. I came across some I thought would fit my schedule and would work for me. However, I never applied to any of them. It just didn’t feel right in my spirit. Meanwhile, I started helping my husband at weddings. He’s a photographer and had weddings booked every Saturday in June. I got really wiped out and tired. I had no energy and it would take almost the entire week to recover and then it was time to do it again.

July came and the weddings weren’t booked so close together anymore. It was hot and humid for much of the month and again I found I was tired and had no energy. I blamed the humidity.I painted and worked at the space for the new launch church many afternoons a week. Once I painted for 20-25 minutes and was so sore the next day I could hardly move. I began to realize I most likely couldn’t do a job other than the one I had.

During this time, I continued to pray for God to show me my next place of employment. I made a promise to God back when I first got the job I’m currently doing. It was literally given to me. I didn’t apply for it, they just offered it to me. Initially I said no to their offer and they bargained with me, gave me such a sweet deal I realized it was God who was putting the job in my hand.  I promised Him I would hold it loosely and I’d stay until He took it away. I’ve survived numerous staff and budget cuts and I’m still there. I get frustrated at times because God called to leave our church yet it’s difficult to find a new church when I work 3 Sundays a month. I don’t get it.

I kept thinking God was going move me. I would tell myself “I can do anything for five years” and one day I heard back “even do what you’re doing now?” Huh, that was the last thing I expected. I knew it didn’t come from me. I continued to feel that phrase in my spirit whenever I prayed about it.

I went to the Rheumatologist in August and was told my previous blood work showed I’m in a Lupus flare-up. Well, suddenly my entire summer (and winter before) made sense. That’s why I’m feeling the way I am. I told her about my job and asked her what she thought about me getting a different one; she told me “no”, at least not now. She explained that if I had a different job I would most likely be quite sick. She thinks the reason I don’t feel as bad as my blood work shows is because I’ve learned over the years how to rest AND because I have a job that I can work from home – on my couch. I work when I want, for how long I want. 

About 10-11 years ago my biggest desire was to know God’s voice and hear what He’s saying to me. I realized my prayer has been answered. I clearly know what God is saying to me; I’m never confused about what He says but rather why He’s saying it. I’m incredibly grateful I have learned to recognize and listen to God’s voice in my life. Now my prayer is to relax and quit trying to figure it all out

To Him the gatekeeper opens. The sheep hear His voice, and He calls His own sheep by name and leads them out. When He has brought out all His own, He goes before them, and the sheep follow Him, for they know His voice.  My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.  John 10:3-4; 27

Step by Step

God what is it You’re doing with me?
From my view point, it’s hard to see
It’s been a blur; things happen so fast
And these changes are going to last

My heart and commitments are shaken
My soul has been awakened
Things I trusted and relied on
Have all turned to dust; they’re gone

Gingerly, I take one step at a time
As I cling for life to the vine
Behind me; You close a door
Another step forward, I yearn for more

More will come when the time is right
I find I’m ready for what’s in sight
I breathe deep and I look to You
Step by step You’ll bring me through.

Your Story

Everyone has their own life story
And everyone’s past can bring God glory
God can redeem brokenness and make you whole
Allow Him to refresh and renew your soul

The details of your story are like ingredients in a cake
When sifted together and allowed to bake
A delicious dessert suddenly appears
Created from your blood, your sweat and your tears

Each cake is different, no two are the same
Life’s heartaches and joys are what they contain
They’re different in appearance and in taste
But no ingredient has gone to waste

Celebrate the cake you’re created to be
Discard your judgements; let yourself be free

Thankful

The years have helped me to understand
The value of things I can’t hold in my hands
The people I love, my friends and family
And those who have gone before me

Past events have shaped who I am today
Just as a potter molds a lump of clay
The people who prayed for me everyday
As I struggled and journeyed along the way

The sweet sound of a baby’s cry
The love found in a mother’s eyes
These are what I’m thankful for
Things I can’t buy in a store.

Things that God gives to me
Of great value; yet they’re free
As I complete my journey in this land
Of these things; may I always understand.

Circle of Light

Bill gave me a birthday card today and inside he wrote: “God was super happy the day He made you, because He knew your whole story from beginning to end and He couldn’t wait to tell it” 

That was the most beautiful thing anybody has ever said to me. It made me cry and I’m still thinking about it. And it’s true, God does know my story. 

“Lord, you have examined me and know all about me. You know when I sit down and when I get up. You know my thoughts before I think them. You know where I go and where I lie down. You know everything I do. Lord, even before I say a word, You already know it. You are all around me—in front and in back—and have put Your hand on me. Your knowledge is amazing to me; it is more than I can understand. All the days planned for me were written in Your book before I was one day old.” Psalm 139:1-6; 16b 

I find this very reassuring. It’s helpful and hopeful for me to know that yes, He knows my story and I don’t and frankly I don’t want to. I think if I would’ve known my story 30 or 40 years ago I would’ve been so overwhelmed I wouldn’t want to live it. I probably would’ve said “just kill me now” 

Do you know why God knows my story? Because He’s the author, He’s the one writing it, not me. It’s good for me to realize and remember that I’m not in control, I don’t see the big picture and I don’t know how my story intertwines with everyone else’s. Yes, I have free will but I’m still pretty powerless. I didn’t have control when I fell on my face last year in AZ and that’s just one example, there are so many other things I can’t control. It’s just an illusion to think I can. It’s better when I realize this and give myself over to it and walk in His will. And when I do this is what He does: He takes His spot light and shines it a few feet in front of me and I step into it; all I know is the light I’m standing in. It’s dark all around and in the darkness there comes another light, a few feet in front of me and I step into it and then I see what it shows me. Sometimes the circle is several feet in front of me and it’s dark in between where I’m standing and the circle of light. However, it’s never total darkness because the light illuminates the space a little. But, nevertheless there are times that I have to go through darkness to reach the light. Those are sometimes periods of  grief and character building.

It’s revealed to me, this life of mine a little at a time. One circle of light at a time; the rest is darkness. And that’s why I’m not in control. 

Praise God.