Crazy Love

I was challenged during a study of the book and workbook by Francis Chan “Crazy Love”. We did two chapters most weeks and one week was on “Lukewarm” and “Leftovers”. These are some of the questions I was presented with:

Am I giving leftover sacrifices to God?

Am I lukewarm or am I totally on fire for Him?

Do I love Him with my entire body, soul and mind?

Am I like the poor woman who gave two coins for an offering but yet she gave more than anyone else because that’s all she had?

Am I like the man who invites only the people to dinner who can invite him back? He doesn’t invite the poor who can do nothing for him.

Am I like this man? Yes, I am. I’m like this man. It convicted me and for a while made me question my salvation, I started thinking I wasn’t good enough, that I had to try harder; I started to get filled thoughts of all the things I “should” be doing. As quickly as these thoughts came into my mind I recognized them for what they were: a lie and I needed to get rid of them quickly. I needed to replace them with the truth: I serve a God of grace and as long as my motivation is right there’s grace for me, I am covered. I don’t have to be perfect, I will never be perfect, I don’t have to perform a certain way I just have to have the right heart. My previous Pastor and friend had a favorite saying “look down at your feet, what direction are they pointing?” As long as they’re pointing forward and I’m moving in the right direction, that’s all that matters. It doesn’t matter that I haven’t arrived or I’m not moving as fast as someone else. What matters is if I’m moving and pointed in the right direction and not parked on the side of the road.

So it just depends on my heart and I need to remember that, it’s not what I “do”. I know that I can do nothing outside of Jesus. He has to give me the strength for everything. I can’t even love Him unless He gives me that love. There’s nothing I can do outside of Him. He has to change me. He has to work through me to accomplish these things. He has to do this in me. I can’t do it; it can’t come from me because if it does it will fail.

My prayers have changed; I pray for increased desire and love for Jesus and the world, increased strength and to walk through life seeing and hearing as He would. I pray that He will give me His thoughts, words, will, emotions and take mine from me. That’s all I need to do; change my prayers, keep my heart and motivation right and my feet pointed in the right direction.

Hope

A few days ago I broke down crying on the way to my sister’s house to see my family. I was thinking about how holidays were a few years ago when Mom was alive and how different they are now. We’re trying to learn how to be a family and it’s hard. Our family dynamics are different.

I remembered being a kid and celebrating holidays with my aunt, uncle and cousins either at their house, Grandma’s or ours. When we got older and Grandma died things changed; we didn’t see our cousins, aunt and uncle much anymore. We both just celebrated holidays with our immediate family.

It feels as though it’s happening again; Mom was the glue and she held us all together. Our family is growing, both of my sisters have their own families and my nieces have their own. It’s hard for all of us to get together and more and more I find that holidays are being celebrated with individual immediate families.

I missed Mom so much that it made me weak, I had no strength. I grieved and cried. After a while, I realized that I will see Mom, Dad, Grandma, Aunt Elsie and everyone again someday on the other side of the veil. Thinking about it gave me peace, because I have hope. What a blessing and a glorious gift hope is!

That same evening at church our Pastor’s message was about hope. It’s the beginning of advent and as a church body we are remembering and longing and filled with hope.

My prayer for you is that today and every day you can tap into the gift of hope and experience peace. It’s right there available for you.

One Journey Leads to Another

This fall I joined a Women’s group to do a Beth Moore study titled “James, Mercy Triumphs”.  During this study, I was confronted by James every week.  It started with perseverance and endurance and to count our struggles as joy. “Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way” James 1:2-4 MSG

I don’t know about you but I’m a person who’s always looking for short cuts; I’m efficient and organized and I want to live that way. I look for the shortest lines in the grocery store and the traffic lanes that will get me moving the fastest. I am not one to want to be “in” anything; especially if it’s uncomfortable or painful; which it usually is if it’s changing me. James confronted me with the reminder of needing to go “through” things with God and allow Him to refine and perfect me in the process. I want to do anything but go through things; I want to go over them, under, around….anything just to get to the other side and move on.

I meet with a lady once a month and we talk about where I’m seeing God in my life. She recommended a book to me: “So long insecurity” by Beth Moore.  Well, I didn’t really think I had much insecurity but I trust her so I started reading it. Wow! I’m finding the things James confronted me with are my insecurity issues.  Things like:

• Comparing myself to others
• Being critical and judgmental
• Forgetting who I am and believing the lies of the world and the enemy
• Discriminating and treating people differently
• Slander
• Not loving myself in a healthy, balanced way

And that’s just the beginning – I just started this book.

Like Beth I have abuse in my past. I made poor relationship choices; I just kept choosing the same man only with a different face, if that makes any sense. There was a season in my life that my mom disowned me. According to the book; these are the types of things that can cause insecurity.

At the end of the James study I thought I was closing the book on it but it turns out that God didn’t just bring me on a journey through James, he brought me to a deeper journey of working on my insecurity issues with Him. I guess that means I’ll have to be “in” it with Him and go through it; no short-cuts. I need to hang in there; persevere, endure and allow Him to do His work.

In the study of James, Beth said a couple of things that I need to hang onto as I walk out my journey of insecurity:

• I am who God says I am and not the numbing sum of Satan’s accusations
• I am loved and not despised, held and not forsaken, cherished and not ejected, enjoyed and not just endured.

If you haven’t read the book “So Long Insecurity” by Beth Moore, do it!

Chosen!

My husband, Bill and I volunteered to serve at the Joyce Meyer Conference back in the first part of June. A week or so before the conference we got our position assignments in the mail. Bill got his a day before mine and he was selected to be an Usher Captain. He asked me what an Usher Captain was and I told him it was like a Head Usher, he would oversee a group of ushers. The next day one came for me and I was selected to be an usher. When I told Bill he felt bad and wanted to call Joyce Meyer’s office and tell them that I should be the Usher Captain instead. He had reasons why he believed that: I do it as a job here in Minnesota; I’ve volunteered for many of her Conferences since 1996 and 10 of them were the Women’s Conference in St. Louis. I told him he got that assignment because that’s the one God wanted him to have and he should accept it. I got the assignment that God wanted me to have and I was fine with it. The funny thing is that this is something that in the past I would have been jealous and felt bad, like I had been cheated and it should’ve been me. I would have grudgingly accepted the position I was given but I wouldn’t be happy. This time was different. I’m different. The accident that I had on vacation in April when the wind pushed me down has really changed many areas of my life; I’m continually amazed at what’s being changed in me.

We reported to the Target Center for Usher’s training and the girl who signed us in asked me if I wanted to be a Stage Usher. I asked her what it was and she explained I would stand on one side of the stage and not let anyone by that wasn’t authorized. I told her I could do that. Pastor Lynn took the Stage Ushers (2 of us) for training. As he trained us he told us that we had the best job in the house. We were to stand on the side of the stage and not let unauthorized people pass and once the worship was over we could go to our seats which were located in the front row. He also said that he never wants to know who his Stage Ushers are until the day of the conference; he wants the Holy Spirit to pick them out. I was chosen by the Holy Spirit! There were many ushers serving at the conference and yet, I was chosen! I was assigned to the left side of the stage and my reserved seat was right next to the band’s reserved seats. When worship was over I went to my seat and the band came and sat in their seats and most of the time Matt Redman sat next to me. Bill was assigned to the back corner of the arena. Needless to say, he was jealous of my position. I am very grateful for a God that loves to bless and reward his kids.

Being chosen means very much to me; I was the youngest of 3 girls and my 2 sisters are adopted. I always believed the lie that being adopted (chosen) was special, it was better. I believed that my parents chose my 2 sisters and they were stuck with me because I came last and they had to keep me; like it or not. Now, I can see how this lie has been turned around to be a gift for me. Because I have lived out believing that adopted is better and more special; the scriptures telling me that we’re adopted, chosen by God to be in His family mean a lot to me. Knowing that I am adopted by God, the Creator of the Universe is the most precious, special gift that He could give me. I am chosen! I am chosen by God! He looked around and He wanted me! And He wants you too. You are chosen by God. We are uniquely loved, cared for, wanted, chosen and special. We are adopted.

It doesn’t get any better than that for me. 

To purchase the freedom of (to ransom, to redeem, to atone for) those who were subject to the Law, that we might be adopted and have sonship conferred upon us [and be recognized as God’s sons]. Galatians 4:5 AMP

 For He foreordained us (destined us, planned in love for us) to be adopted (revealed) as His own children through Jesus Christ, in accordance with the purpose of His will [because it pleased Him and was His kind intent] Ephesians 1:5

So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:14-16 NLT

And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us. Romans 8:23 NLT

Horseshoe Bend

It’s funny how everything can change in an instant. I had an accident recently that changed me. The second day of a ten day vacation I was at Horseshoe Bend, which is a canyon with a river down below that’s in the shape of a horseshoe. It was really windy the day we were there and at one point the wind just took me away. All I remember is the wind pushing me and I was running as fast as I could to keep up, then a gust pushed me over. I put my hands out to catch myself and I felt a sharp shooting pain in my right shoulder. I passed out and the next thing I remember is sitting up with my husband, Bill helping me. He got me back to our hotel, I washed up and we went to Urgent Care.

I had a large golf ball size lump on the right side of my forehead and on my chin and my right cheek was completely swollen from my cheekbone to my lips. I had raw skin various places on my face and the bridge of my nose was bleeding.  I noticed later I had a lump on my right hip and both knees were bruised. I needed one stitch on the bridge of my nose. The Dr. at Urgent Care told us that Horseshoe Bend is dangerous, people die there every year. He was worried I might have (among other things) bleeding on my brain; he told us the symptoms to watch for. Bill told me the place I landed wasn’t too far from the edge; I could’ve run right off the edge of the cliff into the canyon.

It’s true God takes everything in our lives and uses it for good. Immediately, even before I knew that I could’ve died; I noticed I was different; I had a better attitude, I was grateful and appreciative of everything: the beauty of the landscape, my husband, people who worked at McDonalds, etc. I didn’t complain about the pain; I just felt content and peaceful. I value life and the people I encounter each day; I pray I don’t lose that; it’s a gift. I’m so thankful to God that he protected me and had the wind push me down where it did. I feel like there’s a reason God saved me; He’s not done with me yet.

Since we were on vacation we went out in public daily to eat and shop, etc.  I noticed when I did, I hung my head and looked down all the time; I rarely looked up at people when I passed by them. When I ordered dinner from my server I avoided eye contact; I guess I felt that if I didn’t see them, then they wouldn’t see me either. I realized I was acting like someone who had been beaten and abused, or handicapped or disfigured. I felt and acted sheepish, I wanted to hide myself.

I found I didn’t care much about how I looked, I didn’t put on make-up because it hurt to take it off, I wasn’t as picky about how my hair looked or how I dressed; I figured people weren’t going to notice that anyway. People didn’t look at me or want to speak to me very much. When out shopping the sales people weren’t as assertive as usual; they avoided me most times if there were others in the store; if I was the only one there they’d speak very little. I noticed when I interacted with people they pretended nothing was wrong; only three people asked me what happened.

Our bodies are funny; both my knees were bruised but they never hurt. Looking at the bruises I know they should’ve been painful but I had too many other places that hurt and maybe my body could only hurt so much; I guess it blocked out the rest of the pain. My bruises grew and my face changed daily; it was ironic because each day I looked a little worse and I felt a little better.

During this time, I realized I hadn’t been praying very much. But, somehow my heart was more open to God and I was changing and leaning into Him. I think He was hearing the prayers of my heart. I was reading the book “Room of Marvels” (which I highly recommend) and in the book this quote spoke to me “the most beautiful stones are the ones that have been tossed by the wind and washed by the water and polished to brilliance by life’s strongest storms” I felt like it was for me. I had just been tossed by the wind literally and I know I’m washed by the water and I’d been through a pretty strong storm.

A week after the accident Bill and I went to Uptown Sedona and walked around. We found ourselves in a store with rocks, minerals and beautiful pieces of art. A woman who worked there, Heather took us around and showed us various pieces and told us the story of where and how they were formed. We came across a case of stones from AZ and I asked about the golden brown/tan/cream colored balls that were displayed. Heather picked one up and exclaimed “aren’t they beautiful, it looks just like a sand storm”. Wow! I had just been through a sand storm and I immediately thought of the quote about beautiful stones. Heather went on to explain they were some sort of sand stone. I talked to Bill about it when we got out to the car and he wanted to go right back in and buy it. I told him we should think about it for a day.

I kept thinking of quote in the book about beautiful stones and what Heather said to us, I felt like God was speaking to me. I wanted to buy something to remember this experience and how good God is to me.

The next day, Bill and I went to Jerome and walked through the galleries and I found the perfect stone, it had the same colors of my bruises and it was very beautiful. The paper that was posted to explain the history of the stone stated the Egyptians and Pharaohs would decorate themselves and carry these stones as a reminder of regeneration and faithfulness. I loved what it stood for. God had been very faithful to me and I was in the process of regeneration.  I looked up the definition of regeneration:

1)    To reform spiritually or morally

2)   To form, construct, or create anew, especially in an improved state.

3)   To give new life or energy to; revitalize.

4)   To replace (a lost or damaged organ or part) by formation of new tissue.

5)   Restored to a better state; refreshed or renewed.

I think in a way, all five of these were happening to me. This made me love the stone all the more.

After visiting Jerome we came back to Sedona and looked at the original sandstone balls. Bill still wanted me to get one but none of them stood out to me. We walked through other shops and found a different stone; it had veins running through it and reflected light in different colors depending on the angle. The paper explaining the history of this rock spoke of protection. We found one we both liked and we purchased it. The lady who worked in the shop was very nice, she asked me “what happened to this soul” and when we paid for the stone she said that it would always remind Bill of the week he almost lost his wife and I added that it would remind me of the protection I received. She was very loving, tender and gentle.

I’m aware of what stones and crystals mean to New Age believers and I’m not buying into that or playing around with it. I’m not relying on the stones to bring me protection; the stones are a reminder of what God has done for me. In the Old Testament people would regularly build altars out of rocks to stand for God’s faithfulness, protection or provision. These stones are my version of an altar, they stand for and remind me of God’s faithfulness, regeneration and protection; of my gratitude and love for Him and knowing that He is not done with me yet.

Some noticing’s:  Many times friends and family contacted Bill to find out how I was doing or to encourage us and say they were praying. Bill passed along their care, love and concern but it didn’t translate well, I didn’t really feel it. I felt disconnected and isolated. I wondered why they didn’t communicate directly with me. I still don’t know but it’s changed how I want to respond when someone is injured or hurting; I’ll communicate directly with them and show them love and concern first hand. I hope I’ll be more sensitive to those who are hurt, abused, handicapped or disfigured. I’ve learned much and I know I am loved by my friends, family and most of all Bill and God no matter how I look or what I’m like. I am loved and cared for unconditionally.

One of the many things that I will hold on to from this experience is what Bill said to me the morning after the accident “if you ever think you’re not a strong person, you are”

Top of the Tree

Oh, the things that I can see
From the top of the family tree
The view it seems, is much more clear
It’s the simple things that I hold dear

The things on which I depend
Are Jesus, family, work and friends
I’ve realized life is just too short
For drama, pettiness, control and the sort

I’m letting go of the younger me
Embracing the one I’m now to be
I’m entering into a new life season
Which has come for many reasons

So, in humility I take my turn
I’m stepping up with much to learn
I’ll keep my heart open to His teaching
And to Jesus, I’ll always be reaching

Patterns

On a recent trip to California, Bill and I went to the beach. He was taking pictures and I walked and watched the ocean as the waves came in and splashed on the shore.

I noticed how quickly my footprints would start to disappear. The water would come and wash over them and eventually they were gone – just smooth sand remained.

As I continued to walk along the shore I came across patterns in the sand. They were beautiful! I know the water created those patterns but I don’t know how.

It reminded me of how Jesus does that for the sin in our lives. Sin is just like my footprints on the beach. Sin marks us and shows, even if we think it doesn’t. But, once we confess it to Jesus and ask for Him to forgive us, He does. He comes in just like the waves and washes us clean. None of the sin remains. What does remain is patterns in our soul, beautiful patterns. Jesus doesn’t just take our sin away, he changes us. He leaves beautiful marks in our souls.

Seasons of Life

They say to everything there is a season
There is a purpose and there is a reason
The reasons are rarely revealed to me
I seem to stumble along, unable to see.

I’m nearing the end of a season that felt dark
And forever in my soul, it has left its mark
In hindsight I can see God was always there
Guiding and loving me with utmost care

I can now see there was a purpose for it all
God was stretching me, urging me to stand tall
And like a baby, I’m wobbly and I stumble
I cry, complain and sometimes mumble

I fight each new season; not wanting to enter in
I cling to the old; it’s hard to leave where I’ve been
It’s familiar, feels safe and I know the landscape
My feeling of belonging there is hard to shake

To be the oldest generation on the family tree
Is something I didn’t consider I’d be
I never seemed to give it much thought
How to grow old isn’t something I was taught

This season of growing older, I desire to do well
To younger generations, my experiences I can tell
To share the mistakes and lessons of my journey
And the many places where God has met me