Third Christmas

This year was the third Christmas without my mom’s physical presence. The 1^st Christmas after she died I didn’t know what to do. My husband’s family celebrates on Christmas Eve and I work every Christmas Eve. My family has gotten so big that most of us have in-law’s and are unavailable on Christmas Day.

The last year my mom was alive my husband, Bill and I brought her to a Chinese buffet on Christmas Day. I’m so glad we did. It was a big snow storm and the street she lived on didn’t get plowed until the next day. She kept telling us not to come because it was too much trouble and we wouldn’t get through all the snow. We put a shovel in the trunk and went. We followed tire tracks on her street to prevent getting stuck. My husband shoveled out a place to pull over at her curb while I waited in the car in the middle of the street; once or twice I had to circle the block when a car wanted to get through. I got parked and he shoveled up to the house and we got mom and went out to eat. The restaurant was pretty full and we had a great time. After dinner we went to mom’s house for a while and opened presents. That was the last year I did the “present thing”. Ever since she died I have this thing which I can’t really explain but I don’t want any presents. Not for my birthday, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, our anniversary or any other occasion. I don’t give them and I don’t want to receive them. There’s really nothing material that I want that I don’t already have. Material things have lost their value. If I really need something, I get it myself.

My husband and I have tried to make our own tradition. Each year we go to Starbucks in the morning for coffee, see a movie and eat at a Chinese buffet. That’s our tradition now. The first and second year I was so sad; it felt really empty and something just wasn’t right. But that started to change this year somehow; I don’t know what happened but this year I wasn’t so sad. Maybe Christmas has gotten to be just another day in my life; nothing special.

The last Christmas mom was alive my sister and I baked cookies at her house about a week before Christmas. Mom sat at the table and chatted with us. She would help us decide if the cookies were done and we would sample them together. The first Christmas after mom died I baked over 800 cookies; 11 different kinds. The second Christmas I baked 1700+ cookies; 17 different kinds. Baking cookies was therapy for me and I knew it was. I baked every afternoon for over a month. This year; I didn’t bake cookies at all. It was over somehow, I didn’t need to do it anymore. The week before Christmas I realized I hadn’t baked anything and I made a batch of Peanut Blossoms and Sugar cookies.  I’m healing.

Hope

A few days ago I broke down crying on the way to my sister’s house to see my family. I was thinking about how holidays were a few years ago when Mom was alive and how different they are now. We’re trying to learn how to be a family and it’s hard. Our family dynamics are different.

I remembered being a kid and celebrating holidays with my aunt, uncle and cousins either at their house, Grandma’s or ours. When we got older and Grandma died things changed; we didn’t see our cousins, aunt and uncle much anymore. We both just celebrated holidays with our immediate family.

It feels as though it’s happening again; Mom was the glue and she held us all together. Our family is growing, both of my sisters have their own families and my nieces have their own. It’s hard for all of us to get together and more and more I find that holidays are being celebrated with individual immediate families.

I missed Mom so much that it made me weak, I had no strength. I grieved and cried. After a while, I realized that I will see Mom, Dad, Grandma, Aunt Elsie and everyone again someday on the other side of the veil. Thinking about it gave me peace, because I have hope. What a blessing and a glorious gift hope is!

That same evening at church our Pastor’s message was about hope. It’s the beginning of advent and as a church body we are remembering and longing and filled with hope.

My prayer for you is that today and every day you can tap into the gift of hope and experience peace. It’s right there available for you.

One Journey Leads to Another

This fall I joined a Women’s group to do a Beth Moore study titled “James, Mercy Triumphs”.  During this study, I was confronted by James every week.  It started with perseverance and endurance and to count our struggles as joy. “Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way” James 1:2-4 MSG

I don’t know about you but I’m a person who’s always looking for short cuts; I’m efficient and organized and I want to live that way. I look for the shortest lines in the grocery store and the traffic lanes that will get me moving the fastest. I am not one to want to be “in” anything; especially if it’s uncomfortable or painful; which it usually is if it’s changing me. James confronted me with the reminder of needing to go “through” things with God and allow Him to refine and perfect me in the process. I want to do anything but go through things; I want to go over them, under, around….anything just to get to the other side and move on.

I meet with a lady once a month and we talk about where I’m seeing God in my life. She recommended a book to me: “So long insecurity” by Beth Moore.  Well, I didn’t really think I had much insecurity but I trust her so I started reading it. Wow! I’m finding the things James confronted me with are my insecurity issues.  Things like:

• Comparing myself to others
• Being critical and judgmental
• Forgetting who I am and believing the lies of the world and the enemy
• Discriminating and treating people differently
• Slander
• Not loving myself in a healthy, balanced way

And that’s just the beginning – I just started this book.

Like Beth I have abuse in my past. I made poor relationship choices; I just kept choosing the same man only with a different face, if that makes any sense. There was a season in my life that my mom disowned me. According to the book; these are the types of things that can cause insecurity.

At the end of the James study I thought I was closing the book on it but it turns out that God didn’t just bring me on a journey through James, he brought me to a deeper journey of working on my insecurity issues with Him. I guess that means I’ll have to be “in” it with Him and go through it; no short-cuts. I need to hang in there; persevere, endure and allow Him to do His work.

In the study of James, Beth said a couple of things that I need to hang onto as I walk out my journey of insecurity:

• I am who God says I am and not the numbing sum of Satan’s accusations
• I am loved and not despised, held and not forsaken, cherished and not ejected, enjoyed and not just endured.

If you haven’t read the book “So Long Insecurity” by Beth Moore, do it!

God has a Sense of Humor

God has a sense of humor. He gets me in the places I need to be by placing a variety of circumstances in front of me.

I was done with Physical Therapy for my shoulder but was still having pain. There were nights I’d sleep on the couch because it hurt too bad to sleep in bed. The couch allowed me to lean on the back of it which relieved my shoulder pain so I could sleep. I’d been getting massages for my shoulder and they seemed to help for a while but the pain would always return.

I started buying massage coupons for different places through Crowd Cut, Living Social and Groupon; most of them were $39 for an hour. The first coupon I used was for a massage at a Chiropractor’s office which included a wellness exam. I had my exam with Dr. Lindsey, a young, warm, friendly lady. She told me my neck doesn’t have the range of motion that it should. She said x-rays were included in the Living Social deal and asked if I wanted them. I said “sure, why not?” She took x-rays of my neck and my shoulder. She reviewed them with me and my shoulder turned out to be as we thought – no issues in the bone structure. However, my neck has 2 problems and if I do nothing these 2 issues will progress to be a herniated disc in one place and a bone fusion in another. She told me she can’t fix the damage that has already been done but she can prevent it from progressing any further. I agreed to treatment twice a week for 8 times and then taper down to 4 to 6 times a year for maintenance.

With the first treatment I noticed my neck felt better. I didn’t know I had an issue with my neck until I had something to compare it to, I guess. But something else happened with that first adjustment, my shoulder was much better. I was amazed! She wasn’t working on my shoulder but my neck. She explained that the muscle structure around my neck is affected by the adjustment and therefore my shoulder muscles are receiving some benefits as well. With each adjustment my shoulder got better and better. I’m able to do my physical therapy exercises better and am progressing much more quickly toward getting my strength back. The best part is I only experience occasional pain now; most of it’s discomfort more than anything.

I’ve never been to a Chiropractor before and wouldn’t have even thought of going to one. I didn’t know I needed work done to my neck and I didn’t think they could do anything about my shoulder. However, God knew and He knew how to get me there.  This is just one more positive thing that came out of my vacation accident. That accident gave me a shoulder injury which led me to physical therapy which led me to massage which led me to the Chiropractor which will lead to avoiding serious neck issues in the future. Amazing!

Healing

It’s been 7 ½ weeks since I had an accident in AZ where the wind was so strong it actually pushed me over onto rocky ground (see blog post “Horseshoe Bend”). I still have some pain and tender areas, bumps and shadows of bruises and I’m in physical therapy for shoulder issues (torn tendon and rotator cuff injury).

Jesus is teaching me about Himself through this experience. I’ve learned that He never wastes our pain, shame, failures or successes; He uses it all.  He’s teaching me how to partner with Him in my healing. I need to do my part. He will heal me but He wants my efforts. Doing my exercises, resting and not over-using or re-injuring my shoulder is my part. I believe He is actively healing me right this moment. Even though I’ve been told I may need surgery, I expect to be back 100%. Jesus and I have been through a lot and He’s been there for me even when I had nothing to do with Him. I believe He does things in my life without my efforts but in this instance, He wants to partner with me; He wants my efforts. There are several instances in the Bible where Jesus partners with people to perform miracles and there are times when He performs the miracles on His own.  For example:

He turned the water into wine in John 2:7-9a; He partnered with the servants. He had them fill the jars with water and draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet. After the servants had done their part is when Jesus turned the water into wine.

He partnered with His disciples in Luke 5:4-6 when He directed them to put their nets into the deep water and get ready for a catch. Simon didn’t think it would work and told Jesus that they had worked hard all night and hadn’t caught anything. But they would do it anyway just because Jesus asked them.  After they put the nets down they got enough fish to fill two boats and the boats started to sink!

He partnered with ten men with leprosy in Luke 17:11-14 He had them go and show themselves to the priests and as they went, they were cleansed.

He partnered with the disciples in Matthew 14:17-19 when He fed 5,000 people from a 5 loaves and 2 fish; He gave the food to the disciples to distribute and then it was multiplied.

After Jesus’ resurrection He partnered with the disciples again in John 21:5-6 when He told them to throw their net on the right side of the boat to find fish. When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish.

Jesus didn’t just have wine appear in empty jars, have fish flopping on the shore for His disciples, heal the lepers on the spot or have food suddenly show up in front of people; He partnered with people just like us to accomplish these miracles.

Each day I’m a little bit stronger than the day before.

Patterns

On a recent trip to California, Bill and I went to the beach. He was taking pictures and I walked and watched the ocean as the waves came in and splashed on the shore.

I noticed how quickly my footprints would start to disappear. The water would come and wash over them and eventually they were gone – just smooth sand remained.

As I continued to walk along the shore I came across patterns in the sand. They were beautiful! I know the water created those patterns but I don’t know how.

It reminded me of how Jesus does that for the sin in our lives. Sin is just like my footprints on the beach. Sin marks us and shows, even if we think it doesn’t. But, once we confess it to Jesus and ask for Him to forgive us, He does. He comes in just like the waves and washes us clean. None of the sin remains. What does remain is patterns in our soul, beautiful patterns. Jesus doesn’t just take our sin away, he changes us. He leaves beautiful marks in our souls.