Masterpiece

I’m doing a 10-week study on Insecurity. I’ve completed 3 weeks and have already received some major revelations; now if I can just believe and apply them to my life.

Here’s what I’ve realized about myself:

I think people won’t like me if they know the real me so I strive and struggle to create and maintain an image that I think is likable  acceptable and valuable. This image includes looking a certain way, avoiding conflict and confrontation and appearing intelligent and competent just to name a few. It sounds crazy when I articulate it and I don’t agree with it in my head but I must believe it because it’s how I live.

My need to be liked, loved and accepted actually keeps me from interacting with people. I feel I have to protect or hide myself, not reveal who I am because for sure they won’t like that person. I feel if I interact with them they will discover the “real” me and not like or accept me. It’s a cycle; I avoid interaction so people won’t know me and therefore will like me and what’s actually happening is I seem aloof or stuck-up or unfriendly and unapproachable.

So, this coping skill backfires; I’m not fitting in because I’m not interacting and I’m not interacting because I want to fit in. This is so sick!

I didn’t always use this coping skill, for 23 years I had a different one. I did drugs, drank and partied to have friends and to fit in. During that time I thought if I looked a certain way and men were attracted to me and “wanted” me I had value.

The good news is God delivered me out of that bondage; I found I don’t need to do those things to have value, worth or security. God delivered me from insecurities once in my life and I’m confident He will do it again!

We are God’s masterpiece, He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago. Ephesians 2:10 

You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:13-14 

The definition of Masterpiece is “an artist’s greatest piece of work”. God is no crappy artist; He’s the best; and I’m his greatest piece of work!  I must be who and what He says I am because He’s the only one with all the facts. He sees and knows all. He’s the artist – the creator He knows His own work better than anyone.

I’m cherished and loved, He’s my Father and He’s a King, I’m a Princess, a member of a Royal Family! I’m a Masterpiece! The Master Artist’s greatest and finest piece of work!

And so are you.

One Journey Leads to Another

This fall I joined a Women’s group to do a Beth Moore study titled “James, Mercy Triumphs”.  During this study, I was confronted by James every week.  It started with perseverance and endurance and to count our struggles as joy. “Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way” James 1:2-4 MSG

I don’t know about you but I’m a person who’s always looking for short cuts; I’m efficient and organized and I want to live that way. I look for the shortest lines in the grocery store and the traffic lanes that will get me moving the fastest. I am not one to want to be “in” anything; especially if it’s uncomfortable or painful; which it usually is if it’s changing me. James confronted me with the reminder of needing to go “through” things with God and allow Him to refine and perfect me in the process. I want to do anything but go through things; I want to go over them, under, around….anything just to get to the other side and move on.

I meet with a lady once a month and we talk about where I’m seeing God in my life. She recommended a book to me: “So long insecurity” by Beth Moore.  Well, I didn’t really think I had much insecurity but I trust her so I started reading it. Wow! I’m finding the things James confronted me with are my insecurity issues.  Things like:

• Comparing myself to others
• Being critical and judgmental
• Forgetting who I am and believing the lies of the world and the enemy
• Discriminating and treating people differently
• Slander
• Not loving myself in a healthy, balanced way

And that’s just the beginning – I just started this book.

Like Beth I have abuse in my past. I made poor relationship choices; I just kept choosing the same man only with a different face, if that makes any sense. There was a season in my life that my mom disowned me. According to the book; these are the types of things that can cause insecurity.

At the end of the James study I thought I was closing the book on it but it turns out that God didn’t just bring me on a journey through James, he brought me to a deeper journey of working on my insecurity issues with Him. I guess that means I’ll have to be “in” it with Him and go through it; no short-cuts. I need to hang in there; persevere, endure and allow Him to do His work.

In the study of James, Beth said a couple of things that I need to hang onto as I walk out my journey of insecurity:

• I am who God says I am and not the numbing sum of Satan’s accusations
• I am loved and not despised, held and not forsaken, cherished and not ejected, enjoyed and not just endured.

If you haven’t read the book “So Long Insecurity” by Beth Moore, do it!

Chosen!

My husband, Bill and I volunteered to serve at the Joyce Meyer Conference back in the first part of June. A week or so before the conference we got our position assignments in the mail. Bill got his a day before mine and he was selected to be an Usher Captain. He asked me what an Usher Captain was and I told him it was like a Head Usher, he would oversee a group of ushers. The next day one came for me and I was selected to be an usher. When I told Bill he felt bad and wanted to call Joyce Meyer’s office and tell them that I should be the Usher Captain instead. He had reasons why he believed that: I do it as a job here in Minnesota; I’ve volunteered for many of her Conferences since 1996 and 10 of them were the Women’s Conference in St. Louis. I told him he got that assignment because that’s the one God wanted him to have and he should accept it. I got the assignment that God wanted me to have and I was fine with it. The funny thing is that this is something that in the past I would have been jealous and felt bad, like I had been cheated and it should’ve been me. I would have grudgingly accepted the position I was given but I wouldn’t be happy. This time was different. I’m different. The accident that I had on vacation in April when the wind pushed me down has really changed many areas of my life; I’m continually amazed at what’s being changed in me.

We reported to the Target Center for Usher’s training and the girl who signed us in asked me if I wanted to be a Stage Usher. I asked her what it was and she explained I would stand on one side of the stage and not let anyone by that wasn’t authorized. I told her I could do that. Pastor Lynn took the Stage Ushers (2 of us) for training. As he trained us he told us that we had the best job in the house. We were to stand on the side of the stage and not let unauthorized people pass and once the worship was over we could go to our seats which were located in the front row. He also said that he never wants to know who his Stage Ushers are until the day of the conference; he wants the Holy Spirit to pick them out. I was chosen by the Holy Spirit! There were many ushers serving at the conference and yet, I was chosen! I was assigned to the left side of the stage and my reserved seat was right next to the band’s reserved seats. When worship was over I went to my seat and the band came and sat in their seats and most of the time Matt Redman sat next to me. Bill was assigned to the back corner of the arena. Needless to say, he was jealous of my position. I am very grateful for a God that loves to bless and reward his kids.

Being chosen means very much to me; I was the youngest of 3 girls and my 2 sisters are adopted. I always believed the lie that being adopted (chosen) was special, it was better. I believed that my parents chose my 2 sisters and they were stuck with me because I came last and they had to keep me; like it or not. Now, I can see how this lie has been turned around to be a gift for me. Because I have lived out believing that adopted is better and more special; the scriptures telling me that we’re adopted, chosen by God to be in His family mean a lot to me. Knowing that I am adopted by God, the Creator of the Universe is the most precious, special gift that He could give me. I am chosen! I am chosen by God! He looked around and He wanted me! And He wants you too. You are chosen by God. We are uniquely loved, cared for, wanted, chosen and special. We are adopted.

It doesn’t get any better than that for me. 

To purchase the freedom of (to ransom, to redeem, to atone for) those who were subject to the Law, that we might be adopted and have sonship conferred upon us [and be recognized as God’s sons]. Galatians 4:5 AMP

 For He foreordained us (destined us, planned in love for us) to be adopted (revealed) as His own children through Jesus Christ, in accordance with the purpose of His will [because it pleased Him and was His kind intent] Ephesians 1:5

So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:14-16 NLT

And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us. Romans 8:23 NLT

Always Here with Me

“I’ve been carrying you on my back from the day you were born And I’ll keep on carrying you when you’re old. I’ll be there, bearing you when you’re old and gray I’ve done it and will keep on doing it, carrying you on my back, saving you. So to whom will you compare me, the Incomparable? Can you picture me without reducing me?” Isaiah 46:3b-5

“You alone created my inner being. You knitted me together inside my mother. I will give thanks to you because I have been so amazingly and miraculously made. Your works are miraculous, and my soul is fully aware of this. My bones were not hidden from you when I was being made in secret, when I was being skillfully woven in an underground workshop. Your eyes saw me when I was only a fetus. Every day of my life was recorded in your book before one of them had taken place.” Psalms 139:13-16

These verses remind me that God has always been there with me and for me. He was there from conception until birth and he will be there from birth until death and beyond. Even the times in my life when I didn’t see him; he was there.

Looking back on my life there are times I can see very clearly that he was there. Several times I should have died but didn’t because he was there; saving me and rescuing me. I’m sure there are even more times that I won’t know about until I get to heaven.

My aunt always told me I was a miracle baby. My mother had multiple miscarriages and a baby she gave birth to who died in the hospital. She was told she couldn’t have children. They adopted two girls and then were very surprised when mom was pregnant again. Dad and Mom never expected me to go full term, they thought she would have a miscarriage; but here I am!  God’s hand was on me in her womb. There have been many times since my birth that I could have died:

When I was 4 years old I had a form of staff infection that was really hard to diagnose.
In my 20’s I did cocaine and my heart would beat so fast and hard but yet I would continue to do it throughout the night.
In my 30’s I had a husband who threatened to kill me
When I was 52 I had an accident; the wind pushed me so hard it made me run and then slammed me into the rocky ground alongside a canyon. I could have easily run right off the edge and into the canyon or hit my head just right on the rocks and died.

Many times, I look back over my life and just see my mistakes and poor choices and I wish I would’ve done it all differently. There are things I regret. But, I know God uses it all, nothing goes to waste and I know all of the things I’ve been through made me who I am today; and I love who I am. I need to quit seeing my past through the filter of mistakes and regret and start seeing through the filter of sanctification and gratitude. I have some really great friends, family and special times that I wouldn’t trade for anything. My job with the city gave me retirement; retirement gave me my job at Open Door and time to be with my mom, get closer to her and help her when she needed someone, I’m so glad that someone was me. I am grateful!

I know I’m alive because God wants me alive; no other reason. And I will remain alive until He calls me home.

Healing

It’s been 7 ½ weeks since I had an accident in AZ where the wind was so strong it actually pushed me over onto rocky ground (see blog post “Horseshoe Bend”). I still have some pain and tender areas, bumps and shadows of bruises and I’m in physical therapy for shoulder issues (torn tendon and rotator cuff injury).

Jesus is teaching me about Himself through this experience. I’ve learned that He never wastes our pain, shame, failures or successes; He uses it all.  He’s teaching me how to partner with Him in my healing. I need to do my part. He will heal me but He wants my efforts. Doing my exercises, resting and not over-using or re-injuring my shoulder is my part. I believe He is actively healing me right this moment. Even though I’ve been told I may need surgery, I expect to be back 100%. Jesus and I have been through a lot and He’s been there for me even when I had nothing to do with Him. I believe He does things in my life without my efforts but in this instance, He wants to partner with me; He wants my efforts. There are several instances in the Bible where Jesus partners with people to perform miracles and there are times when He performs the miracles on His own.  For example:

He turned the water into wine in John 2:7-9a; He partnered with the servants. He had them fill the jars with water and draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet. After the servants had done their part is when Jesus turned the water into wine.

He partnered with His disciples in Luke 5:4-6 when He directed them to put their nets into the deep water and get ready for a catch. Simon didn’t think it would work and told Jesus that they had worked hard all night and hadn’t caught anything. But they would do it anyway just because Jesus asked them.  After they put the nets down they got enough fish to fill two boats and the boats started to sink!

He partnered with ten men with leprosy in Luke 17:11-14 He had them go and show themselves to the priests and as they went, they were cleansed.

He partnered with the disciples in Matthew 14:17-19 when He fed 5,000 people from a 5 loaves and 2 fish; He gave the food to the disciples to distribute and then it was multiplied.

After Jesus’ resurrection He partnered with the disciples again in John 21:5-6 when He told them to throw their net on the right side of the boat to find fish. When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish.

Jesus didn’t just have wine appear in empty jars, have fish flopping on the shore for His disciples, heal the lepers on the spot or have food suddenly show up in front of people; He partnered with people just like us to accomplish these miracles.

Each day I’m a little bit stronger than the day before.

Daughter of a King

It was Thanksgiving and we were all at my sister’s. She has 5 grandkids and a 7 year old son so there was a lot of energy in the house. Jada is 3 years old and she’s my great-niece. She’s what some people call a “girly girl”. She’s tiny and precious and never wants to get dirty or rough house with the boys. She is a princess. This particular day she had on a beautiful dress, tights, shiny shoes and her hair was in cute pigtails. She was looking good and feeling even better.

My niece Christine (Jada’s aunt) arrived with a game for the kids to play. This game was like the card game I played as a kid called Indian Poker. There were cards with pictures on them and each player wore a plastic headband. The headband had a card holder in the front. The players would pick a card and without looking at it they would insert it into their headband. The card would be displayed on their forehead for everyone to see. The object of the game is for each player to guess what the picture of their card is based on clues from the other players.

The kids went upstairs, excited to start playing the game. I was in the dining room and noticed Jada walking around looking for something to do. She didn’t have any kids to play with because they were all upstairs with the new game. I asked her if she’d like to play the game with the other kids. She shook her head no. I offered to help put the headband on for her and this time she wrinkled her nose and shook her head no. I told her there were different colors of headbands and maybe we could find one to match her dress. She just gave me a look like she thought I had lost my mind. How could I possibly think that she: little Miss Jada would ever wear anything like that gawky, plastic headband? After all, she was a Princess; she was Miss Jada.

I thought about this and realized I could learn a lot from Jada. I’m a Princess too. My Father is a King; in fact He is the King of Kings!

“On His robe and on His thigh He has this name written: King of Kings and Lord of Lords” Revelation 19:15-17

Do I live like I believe this? Do I live a Kingdom life? Have I stepped into this role? Do I own it? Why don’t I? Why don’t I live in that reality every day? Why don’t I remember who I am and who my Father is? The people who meet me and who are in my life; do they know that I’m the daughter of the King of Kings? Such an awesome life I have and they may not even know. What’s wrong with this? I forget how blessed I am. Instead I trudge along, many times struggling with things just because I didn’t bring them to my Father. I didn’t claim who I am. I let the world and my circumstances define me so much of the time. I need to remember that every place I put my foot is sacred ground. It’s sacred because it was created by a holy God and He declared “it is good”.

Struggles and Joy

I keep reading in different places and hearing sermons on struggle, pain and grief and how it relates to joy. It seems that our struggle, pain and grief expand our capacity to feel and experience joy. But, not until we’ve gone through it. I keep thinking about the song that I heard last night “Come to Jesus” I can always come to Jesus and let Him hold me in His arms.

I’ve had struggles, pain and grief for about 2+ years now. When will I get through to the other side? There are times during this season that I have stuffed my feelings and not fully experienced and leaned into them or Jesus. I think that’s how I was raised. When I’ve been alone, there have been times I poured out to God my frustrations and pain about Titus (my cat that I had to have put to sleep recently), my Mom(who just died recently), etc. but I wonder if I did it to the extent that I needed to. But now, I’m not going to deliberately conjure up feelings just for the sake of having them, I don’t think that’s what is meant by fully experiencing grief and pain. I believe what it meant by that is when the feelings naturally come to the surface, don’t stuff them – welcome them and feel them, totally and completely. The trouble was when Brandy (a cat I had to have put to sleep in 2009) was nearing the end and after Mom died the time the feelings would hit me were when I was driving, usually on the freeway. Well, I can’t fall apart on the freeway! Usually I was on my way to a class or a meeting. When I found out about Elsie dying, as soon as I hung up the phone I bawled, sobbing into my hands at the kitchen table, then a found myself falling in a heap of sorrow.  I’m trying to take this as it comes and experience all that comes with it.

Struggles and Joy

Is it true struggle, grief, pain and strife
Are the things that expand joy in our life?
If so, I should soon be the most joyous person around
‘Cause for over 2 years grief and struggles have abound

I often think I’ve gotten to the other side
Then I find out someone else has died
This season that I’m going through
Is the hardest thing I’ve had to do

When oh God will it end?
When will my heart mend?
When will the joy begin to show?
When will my character start to grow?

I guess I haven’t yet mastered endurance
But, I believe the promise, I have assurance
That if I fully experience this ache
That’s exactly what it will take

For depth, character and strength to form in me
And to enter into joy and experience it fully
And so I wait and I pray
Knowing that there will come a day

When from these ashes I will rise
Standing tall and a little more wise

Seasons of Life

They say to everything there is a season
There is a purpose and there is a reason
The reasons are rarely revealed to me
I seem to stumble along, unable to see.

I’m nearing the end of a season that felt dark
And forever in my soul, it has left its mark
In hindsight I can see God was always there
Guiding and loving me with utmost care

I can now see there was a purpose for it all
God was stretching me, urging me to stand tall
And like a baby, I’m wobbly and I stumble
I cry, complain and sometimes mumble

I fight each new season; not wanting to enter in
I cling to the old; it’s hard to leave where I’ve been
It’s familiar, feels safe and I know the landscape
My feeling of belonging there is hard to shake

To be the oldest generation on the family tree
Is something I didn’t consider I’d be
I never seemed to give it much thought
How to grow old isn’t something I was taught

This season of growing older, I desire to do well
To younger generations, my experiences I can tell
To share the mistakes and lessons of my journey
And the many places where God has met me