Masterpiece

I’m doing a 10-week study on Insecurity. I’ve completed 3 weeks and have already received some major revelations; now if I can just believe and apply them to my life.

Here’s what I’ve realized about myself:

I think people won’t like me if they know the real me so I strive and struggle to create and maintain an image that I think is likable  acceptable and valuable. This image includes looking a certain way, avoiding conflict and confrontation and appearing intelligent and competent just to name a few. It sounds crazy when I articulate it and I don’t agree with it in my head but I must believe it because it’s how I live.

My need to be liked, loved and accepted actually keeps me from interacting with people. I feel I have to protect or hide myself, not reveal who I am because for sure they won’t like that person. I feel if I interact with them they will discover the “real” me and not like or accept me. It’s a cycle; I avoid interaction so people won’t know me and therefore will like me and what’s actually happening is I seem aloof or stuck-up or unfriendly and unapproachable.

So, this coping skill backfires; I’m not fitting in because I’m not interacting and I’m not interacting because I want to fit in. This is so sick!

I didn’t always use this coping skill, for 23 years I had a different one. I did drugs, drank and partied to have friends and to fit in. During that time I thought if I looked a certain way and men were attracted to me and “wanted” me I had value.

The good news is God delivered me out of that bondage; I found I don’t need to do those things to have value, worth or security. God delivered me from insecurities once in my life and I’m confident He will do it again!

We are God’s masterpiece, He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago. Ephesians 2:10 

You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:13-14 

The definition of Masterpiece is “an artist’s greatest piece of work”. God is no crappy artist; He’s the best; and I’m his greatest piece of work!  I must be who and what He says I am because He’s the only one with all the facts. He sees and knows all. He’s the artist – the creator He knows His own work better than anyone.

I’m cherished and loved, He’s my Father and He’s a King, I’m a Princess, a member of a Royal Family! I’m a Masterpiece! The Master Artist’s greatest and finest piece of work!

And so are you.

Top of the Tree

Oh, the things that I can see
From the top of the family tree
The view it seems, is much more clear
It’s the simple things that I hold dear

The things on which I depend
Are Jesus, family, work and friends
I’ve realized life is just too short
For drama, pettiness, control and the sort

I’m letting go of the younger me
Embracing the one I’m now to be
I’m entering into a new life season
Which has come for many reasons

So, in humility I take my turn
I’m stepping up with much to learn
I’ll keep my heart open to His teaching
And to Jesus, I’ll always be reaching

Powerless

This last week has been really crazy for me. I’ve been reminded over and over just how powerless I am. How powerless we all are.

Last Monday, I was at North Memorial in MG with Bill. He was getting a test done as an outpatient. While I was waiting for him my niece called and told me my Mom had been taken to the Hospital by ambulance. She didn’t have any other information – just that.

I called and verified that my mom had just arrived in the ER and they were checking her out – they’d call when they had more information. So, when Bill got done we went from North Memorial in MG to North Memorial in Robbinsdale. The bottom line is that mom has a blood clot in her heart. She’s home now but she has a long road ahead of her yet.

Through this God has been showing me and teaching me many things:

• To live one day at a time; sometimes one moment at a time.
• I am powerless and I have to continually turn things over to Him – that’s been my entire week this week.
• He’s showing me just how precious each moment is and not to take anything for granted.
• He’s shown me the love He has for His children and that no matter how old we are – we’re still His children.
• That He gives us the strength and grace we need for each day – our “daily bread”.
• He’s shown me the importance of family and friends and that they really make a difference in our lives.
• He’s shown me the reality of “we can make our plans, but He directs our steps”
• that ultimately He’s in control. And we – are powerless.

One of the cool things He showed me is the complex and unique way He has created us. I was in the room when Mom got an ultrasound done of her heart. At one point the image on the screen was like a little cone head person (you can tell I’m a 70’s SNL fan J) I think there was more than one but I could really only see one and this little cone head person; was praising God! It was kinda like jumping jacks yet not really. It would raise it’s hands in praise and then back down to touch I think the other cone head person. I really think it was her heart pumping and the valves letting the blood flow by and then blocking it again. I’m not sure, but to me, in that moment it was cone head people praising God. I just thought – wow, even our hearts praise God with every beat!

There is Hope

I want to share with you that there is hope. When you’re a Child of God – there’s always hope! Paul says in Colossians 1:27 that we have Christ in us, the hope of glory. (Christ is in us and we can hope for glory – we can!)

I gave my life to Jesus when I was a young child in Sunday school and I fell away – badly when I got a little older. I gave my life to Jesus as an adult when I was 34. At that time, I had been using drugs for about 22 years and was in the process of my 3rd divorce.

I started using when I was barely 13; because I wanted to be grown up, wanted to fit in and just wanted to be cool. My oldest sister introduced me to cigarettes, drinking and pot – all in one night. I had been sexually abused by different men from the age of 11 or 12 until about 15. When I was 22, right after my first divorce my mom disowned me and I went into a downward spiral for the next 12 years.

I used men, a huge variety of drugs and partied whenever I could. My drug of choice was always pot, but also included cocaine for about 8 years. I did many other drugs in my life, but these two were my favorites. My goal was to be stoned from the time I got up in the morning until I passed out at night. In the morning when I was putting my make up on, I was smoking a joint; I smoked on the way to work, at work and on the way home and all night long. A typical day for me was an average of 8 joints and that was when I was by myself. Weekends and when I smoked with friends, my usage was up. This didn’t stop just because I gave my life to Jesus. I continued smoking pot and drinking for about a year and a half after I was saved. I did however, quit using men, partying and doing the bar scene.

When I quit using, it appeared as though it was a miracle, a deliverance; it looked like I just suddenly quit cold turkey. From 8 joints one day – to zero the next. But that wasn’t the case; Jesus had been working on me on the inside for the entire year and a half. I knew I wasn’t pleasing Him and I knew He wanted me to quit. I’d pray and tell Jesus that if I’m ever gonna quit, He’d have to do it for me, because I couldn’t do it alone. The thing is, I didn’t want to quit, I enjoyed it. I prayed that He would make me willing to be willing; and then allow Him to come in and do His work. I would always put this tag though on the end of those prayers and say “but please don’t get me busted!” Cause you know how God is and He works that way sometimes when we don’t get the message.

Well, one day, I heard a sermon and I knew it was time. (The sermon was called “Freeze Tag” and it was about the game of Freeze tag that you’ve maybe played when you were young. Whoever is “it” tags the other players and they are instantly frozen and they have to stay that way until one of the other players comes along and tags them – then they are no longer frozen. The sermon related that game to people who get frozen and stuck in certain patterns or behaviors in life. Frozen people in life stay that way until Jesus comes along and touches them and then they’re no longer frozen. That was me, and that was what I needed…I needed a touch from Jesus) I knew God was speaking through my Pastor directly to me in that sermon. But, I didn’t quit that day, or the next day which was Monday. I was gonna to call my Pastor and realized that Monday was his day off and so Tuesday I called him and I told him everything = I just spilled it all out to him and he was so gracious! We prayed together and that was the last day I used drugs.

So, there is hope. Isaiah 59:1 says “Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear” Surely His arm is not too short to save – he can reach you no matter where you are. If you cry out to him, he will hear you (his ear is not dull) and he will reach you – no matter how far you’ve fallen.

I’ll leave you with this: taken from Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit..”

Our God is a God of hope and we can overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Mercy Me

The last month or so I’ve noticed a change in me, God is working on the inside of me and I’m changing. I’ve never been one who had the gift of mercy but lately it seems as though it’s coming up in me quite frequently.

I’ve noticed I get to the point of tears when I go to the balcony at church and look over the people down below. I see the “big picture” and my heart breaks for the ones who are hurting or don’t know Jesus. This is quite unusual for me to say the least. It is a powerful image from the balcony for me – I went there again today and the same thing happened. I prayed and cried for Jesus to work and heal His children. I watched them take communion and kneel at the cross, it was so moving to me. I prayed for the lost, the least and the hurting.

I just seem to want to help people. I am a co-leader of a small group in Celebrate Recovery and the people there are hurting and struggling. Many times before in my life I would get impatient with people who didn’t get it together. I wouldn’t feel sorry for the homeless – instead I just wouldn’t notice them or just excuse it away and think they brought it on themselves, etc. I know it’s been wrong for me to feel that way. Recently, I’ve prayed a prayer I didn’t have the nerve to pray before and that is: “Jesus make me like you. Make me love what you love and hurt over what you hurt over.” And he’s changing me!

Today what really struck me is I realized I can’t wait to leave this fallen world and fall into my Savior’s arms. I just want to see Him face to face, to be with Him in eternity. This is a new thought and feeling for me. I’ve not wanted this before in such a real way.

I want Jesus to be my center, the core of my being and to live out of that place. I want to live life intentionally, to be present to each and every person I’m around and to reflect Jesus to them in a real way.

Even the Rocks Cry Out

“You are beautiful beyond description,
too wonderful for words,
too marvelous for comprehension,
like nothing ever seen or heard;
who can grasp Your infinite wisdom,
who can fathom the depths of Your love,
You are beautiful beyond description,
majesty enthroned above.

And I stand, I stand in awe of You,
I stand, I stand in awe of You,
holy God to whom all praise is due,
I stand in awe of You…”

God shows Himself to me (us) through nature and His creation:

“Since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities–his eternal power and divine nature–have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.” Romans 1:19-20

I thought about how His creation worships Him:

“When he came near the place where the road goes down the Mount of Olives, the whole crowd of disciples began joyfully to praise God in loud voices for all the miracles they had seen: “Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord!” Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, “Teacher, rebuke your disciples!” “I tell you,” he replied, “if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.” Luke 19:37-40

I felt as though the “stones/rocks were crying out” the rocks were worshiping Jesus with all their beauty and majesty.

I thought about Matt Redman’s song “Shine”

“Lord we have seen the rising sun, awakening the early dawn,
And they’re rising up to give You praise.
Lord we have seen the stars and moon, see how they shine,
They shine for You,
And You’re calling us to do the same.
So we rise up with a song, and we rise up with a cry
And we’re giving You our lives.”

The rising sun is rising up to give Jesus praise, and He’s calling us to do the same. The sun worships Jesus, all creation worships Jesus. Jesus created what makes Him happy; He created what’s beautiful in His sight.

“You make everything glorious; I am yours—what does that make me?” David Crowder.

Jesus created the sun, the beautiful rocks and both are crying out to Him, praising and worshiping Him. He creates what He loves; He creates things for His pleasure, so He can enjoy them. Just as humans create things that give them pleasure, things they like…

Jesus created me! I give Him pleasure; He loves me and enjoys me! I was crying out with those rocks, I was worshiping right along with them and I thought maybe they were doing a better job than I was. I was left breathless, awe struck with these thoughts. I was speechless and humbled and had tears in my eyes…the thought of worshiping my Lord along with the rocks and sun that were worshiping Him too!

What a wonderful day with my Jesus!

Applauding Jesus

I got fired from the job I had for 25 years. I had counted on, made my life plans and my retirement around this job. Now, I was fired. I was a little over 3 years from being eligible for retirement.

After filing a grievance with the union and an arbitration hearing I got my job back. It took over a year and during that time, I had received unemployment, but my employer contested it, there was a hearing and I lost. I was ordered to repay the money I had received (over $10,000.)

Returning to work was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in my life. I went back to the same job, same department and same management that fired me. The good news was that I could retire in a little over 2 years. I knew in my heart that to humble myself and return to work was exactly what Jesus wanted for me. I had spent over a year praying for the situation. A few other employees that had been fired close to retirement had been allowed to retire without returning to work; that was the result I had begged Jesus for. But instead, I had to return to work. It was very hard and I was humbled, feeling as though I was being watched, etc.

Still other employees who got fired and were rewarded their jobs back; when they returned, they were always arrogant because they had won their case. They were bitter, doing just enough work to get by, slowed down their production to the bare minimum; they bad mouthed the management and the company as a whole. They became real “problem children” after their return. But I was different, I was not bad mouthing, I was not acting angry and bitter, I increased my production and was obedient to the management and the authority over me.

I did have anger however toward the individual people who were involved in firing me, my direct supervisor and several others above him. I didn’t express this to them, but in my mind I thought of myself as being a victim. I replayed different scenarios over in my mind that my superiors could have done to resolve the problem. It didn’t have to be a disciplinary action/firing. I thought they fired me so they could make an example out of me to the others, to rattle the cages so to speak. Years after being fired I was still replaying these things over in my mind-sometimes several times a day, always several times a week and I was getting angry every time I did. I see now that I was in bondage to these feelings, I couldn’t shake them.

In a bible study at my Church by Beth Moore called Believing God there was a video regarding our identity in Christ. She used the analogy of coats we put on having labels on them that we see ourselves as. For instance: do we wear a coat labeled “divorced”, “fired”, “ugly”, “unlovable”, unworthy”, “no good” or something else? How we see ourselves affects how we relate to others and to God. We need to take off these coats and see ourselves as God sees us. We need to put on coats that have labels that are more appropriate and true: “loved”, “beautiful”, “masterpiece”, “friend of God”, “worthy” those kinds of names.

“And put on the new nature (the regenerate self) created in God’s image, (Godlike) in true righteousness and holiness.” Ephesians 4:24

Beth said in her video that maybe if we would give Jesus applause once in a while, He would be more apt to do an encore. So, all the way home that day in my car I clapped, I applauded Jesus and I thanked Him for allowing me to be fired, for working into me humbleness and refining my character. I thanked Him for all the work He had done in me through that experience, I learned to trust Him more, to rely on Him when I had nothing else that seemed solid in my life; I learned that I make plans, but He directs my path. I thanked Him and applauded loudly, my hands were red and sore, tears were streaming down my face and I was beaming in a broad smile at the same time! I thanked Him for the experience and told Him I wouldn’t trade it for anything! I thanked Him for my retirement and offered it up to Him to use me as He sees fit.

This was the day the anger broke, I no longer replay this over and over in my mind. I am not upset and feeling victimized by this event in my life. I know that Jesus used this for my good.

Defined

I am in a small group Bible Study doing the book/video series by Beth Moore called Believing God. One of the weekly videos spoke about things we can’t let go of; things from our past which we allow to define us. These are things maybe nobody else thinks or knows about us, but we do, and we continue to speak it into our lives. The enemy continues to bring it to our remembrance and when it comes to mind, we take it in.

The video taught that there are things we will always remember about our pasts and that’s OK. What the video showed is some memories are more than just memories; they are things we continue to define ourselves by. Until we see ourselves as God sees us and we define ourselves as God defines us, we will be stuck. The video showed this as a coat we choose to put on. This coat has a name on the back of it and the name is whatever our memory is. For instance; my coat said “fired” on it. Three years ago I got fired from my job. It was something I couldn’t let go of. Whenever I would think about the situation, I would find myself sucked right back into the same place I was in 3 years ago. I found myself feeling the same feelings, getting all worked up and feeling like a victim. This time in my life carried much shame with it. I was devastated by being fired; my entire life, future, identity and security were in that job. I had only 3 years left until retirement; I had been working there since high school, for 25 years.

It took me over a year of jumping through all the hoops of paperwork, filing grievances, lawyers and a hearing before I was awarded my job back. But, even though I got my job back, I still lost that year of my life. I had gotten unemployment which my employer fought and won the hearing so I had to repay all the money I had received. I had all my eggs in one basket, I’d had my job for more than half my life and it was what was going to make or break my future as far as I was concerned, all my plans hinged on this retirement. Well, God sure shook all that up. I learned real fast that I plan my way, but God directs my paths. I learned to fall on my face and ask God for help.

“A man’s mind plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” Proverbs 16:9

Here I was 3 years later and these thoughts of being fired or of the people involved with firing me would come to mind several times a week and sometimes even several times a day. When the thoughts came I would slip right back into the same place emotionally. I was wearing it like a coat. The study told us we were to reframe whatever memory (old coat) we were defining ourselves by. I was struggling with how to do this.

The next week at the study, Beth used a scripture about Joshua praying for the sun to stand still so he could have more daylight to fight the war he was in (Joshua 10:5-15). She said she was pretty sure some of the men fighting under Joshua were real glad they didn’t stay home that day and miss the miracle God did for them. Beth said there are times she applauds God for what He does in her life. That day, after the video, I applauded God all the way home! My hands were red from my clapping so hard and tears were streaming down my face. The people in the other cars must have thought I lost my mind. I clapped and clapped and clapped and praised and thanked God that I didn’t miss the miracle He performed on the day of my hearing. He got my job and my retirement back. I cheered because He provided for me that year, I clapped and cheered that He came through and He gave me what I needed to return to work for the next 2 years and do the best job I could for this same employer and this same management that had fired me. (When I retired my co-workers told me how amazed they were that I worked so hard and with such loyalty and diligence. There are others who had been fired and got their jobs back and they returned with an attitude of trying to get away with all they can, grumbling and griping to all who will listen.) I cheered God for the work ethic He gave me when I returned, I cheered that I didn’t miss this experience because it gave me a chance to give Him glory!

This broke whatever it was that held me. I am free today. I still have the memory, but I don’t ever get sucked back into it and I don’t put that coat on anymore!