Cancer Scare

My sister found out she had a “large mass” on her right kidney. She didn’t have any symptoms and didn’t have a clue it was there. It was kind of a fluke they found it.

She had abdominal pains and went to the ER because she was out of town and it was a weekend. They diagnosed her with a severe bladder infection. During the exam they did a CT scan of her abdomen and that’s when they saw the mass.

When she got back home she went for a follow up with a kidney specialist and he did his own CT scan and verified it was indeed there. He told her it looked like she had kidney cancer! Wow!

It made me think of how quickly things can change. Out of the blue a diagnoses of cancer can come and rock your world and everyone’s world that’s close to you. We are all just fragile humans and our fatality is guaranteed, it’s just a matter of time. Suddenly she was in a whirlwind of tests: bone scans, PET scans, blood work, etc. They found out she has Type II diabetes and started her on a special diet and insulin. We were all praying like crazy and asking everyone we knew to pray too. Please God take this cancer away from her!

My dad and mom are both gone, dad died in 1992 and mom in 2010. I was really close to my mom’s sister and she died in 2011. I’ve been going through many changes with the realization that my generation is now the top of the family tree. The view is much different from up here. I want to end well, I want to live well and with that will come dying well; I hope. But for me I’ve been very aware of this new season of life I’m entering and am trying my best to embrace it. Now, with the news of my oldest sister facing kidney cancer; I again had to look at the reality that comes with being at the top of the tree. It’s our turn. We’re next.

This realization woke me up to the fact that I need to start living out my love for people. Sure, my sister and I have history and it’s not all pretty. We’ve had our issues just like any other family does but the bottom line is that although we may not always like each other; we always love each other and that’s what needs to be on the surface. That’s what’s important. Love needs to win and it always will.

I asked her how I could be there for her, did she want me to come to the hospital and be in the waiting room during her surgery? (She had her kidney removed) Her answer was yes. So, I went. I waited. I prayed. I had to leave early due to a meeting I couldn’t reschedule or get out of at work. This type of meeting is very rare for me but yet it was my reality on this day of all days. I hated to leave. My body left but my mind, soul, spirit and heart were left behind in that waiting room.

During the meeting I got a text that said she was out of surgery and in recovery I was delighted! JOY! I felt lighter and realized what a heaviness I had been carrying. I wondered what heaviness my sister and her husband had been experiencing.

The mass was tested and it was a cyst!! Praise God! He is the ultimate healer and Great Physician. He took the cancer away! I love it when prayer is answered! Even her doctor was amazed. He said he was sure it was cancer. He had never seen a cyst that shape or size before. It had all the characteristics of a cancerous tumor; there was blood flowing through it, it was growing and it was large.

My faith is boosted, God still does miracles and He answers prayer always. Sometimes not with the answer we are hoping for but sometimes we do get the answer we’re hoping for.  I’m grateful for this lesson of the importance of family and showing love and support. Opening my eyes once again to the season of life I’m in and remembering to make the most of who, what and where I am. I have no children of my own and because of this I tend to think I have nothing to leave behind – no legacy; no one to carry on my blood line or traits they’ve inherited from me. But I can leave something behind. There’s more than one way to leave an inheritance. The dictionary includes in the definition of inheritance this: “the inheritance of traits”. I can leave memories, love and faith; pieces of myself (traits) that I’ve invested in and/or shown to others. It’s never too late to start.

Wall of Hero’s

I was invited to an Open House dedication ceremony for the Wall of Hero’s at North Memorial Medical Center the other day because my mom was a donor. It’s a wall filled with photos of people who have donated organs, tissue or eyes either to recipients or medical science. There were 122 5-by-7 photos and I’m sure there are many more who don’t have their picture on the wall for whatever reason.

There was a slide show during the open house of these photos and as the slide show progressed and showed each image I was very sad to see so many young people who have died. By the end of the slideshow I was overwhelmed with gratitude that these people both young and old would choose to give something of them so someone else could live or medical science could advance; which impacts hundreds or thousands of people. In a way the donors will live on by doing so, a piece of them lives on through and in someone else; I was overwhelmed with thankfulness that they would choose to do this. I thought about how many of these photos represented a life saved.

Something that started being sad turned out to be a very joyful thing.

Jesus Loves Us in Unique and Special Ways

Wednesday I had a doctor’s appointment that I hadn’t really been looking forward to. (Although, who ever looks forward to doctor appointments?) Tuesday two friends of mine prayed for me and Wednesday when I woke up I was calm and peaceful; I was ready to go.

I always look on the top of the street light poles for red tail hawks and when I see one, I think it’s from Jesus. I think He’s giving me a special “hello, I see you, you’re mine” that day. Well, this day, as we’re driving to my appointment, I see a Bald Eagle on top of the street light pole!

Bald Eagles have always been very special to me. They’ve always been a sign, like a special gift from Jesus to me. There are times I ask to see them (and deer) when I’m up north and whenever I do, I thank Jesus right away and I marvel at their beauty and majesty. They mean freedom, strength, power, protection, beauty, peace, joy, watching over me and that everything will be OK. They are really majestic to me. Well, this day when I saw one; (IN THE CITY!!!) I knew Jesus was with me in a very special way.

I’m so thankful that I have a Lord and Savior who cares about me personally, who sees me, knows my name and loves me in a very unique and special way.

There is Hope

I want to share with you that there is hope. When you’re a Child of God – there’s always hope! Paul says in Colossians 1:27 that we have Christ in us, the hope of glory. (Christ is in us and we can hope for glory – we can!)

I gave my life to Jesus when I was a young child in Sunday school and I fell away – badly when I got a little older. I gave my life to Jesus as an adult when I was 34. At that time, I had been using drugs for about 22 years and was in the process of my 3rd divorce.

I started using when I was barely 13; because I wanted to be grown up, wanted to fit in and just wanted to be cool. My oldest sister introduced me to cigarettes, drinking and pot – all in one night. I had been sexually abused by different men from the age of 11 or 12 until about 15. When I was 22, right after my first divorce my mom disowned me and I went into a downward spiral for the next 12 years.

I used men, a huge variety of drugs and partied whenever I could. My drug of choice was always pot, but also included cocaine for about 8 years. I did many other drugs in my life, but these two were my favorites. My goal was to be stoned from the time I got up in the morning until I passed out at night. In the morning when I was putting my make up on, I was smoking a joint; I smoked on the way to work, at work and on the way home and all night long. A typical day for me was an average of 8 joints and that was when I was by myself. Weekends and when I smoked with friends, my usage was up. This didn’t stop just because I gave my life to Jesus. I continued smoking pot and drinking for about a year and a half after I was saved. I did however, quit using men, partying and doing the bar scene.

When I quit using, it appeared as though it was a miracle, a deliverance; it looked like I just suddenly quit cold turkey. From 8 joints one day – to zero the next. But that wasn’t the case; Jesus had been working on me on the inside for the entire year and a half. I knew I wasn’t pleasing Him and I knew He wanted me to quit. I’d pray and tell Jesus that if I’m ever gonna quit, He’d have to do it for me, because I couldn’t do it alone. The thing is, I didn’t want to quit, I enjoyed it. I prayed that He would make me willing to be willing; and then allow Him to come in and do His work. I would always put this tag though on the end of those prayers and say “but please don’t get me busted!” Cause you know how God is and He works that way sometimes when we don’t get the message.

Well, one day, I heard a sermon and I knew it was time. (The sermon was called “Freeze Tag” and it was about the game of Freeze tag that you’ve maybe played when you were young. Whoever is “it” tags the other players and they are instantly frozen and they have to stay that way until one of the other players comes along and tags them – then they are no longer frozen. The sermon related that game to people who get frozen and stuck in certain patterns or behaviors in life. Frozen people in life stay that way until Jesus comes along and touches them and then they’re no longer frozen. That was me, and that was what I needed…I needed a touch from Jesus) I knew God was speaking through my Pastor directly to me in that sermon. But, I didn’t quit that day, or the next day which was Monday. I was gonna to call my Pastor and realized that Monday was his day off and so Tuesday I called him and I told him everything = I just spilled it all out to him and he was so gracious! We prayed together and that was the last day I used drugs.

So, there is hope. Isaiah 59:1 says “Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear” Surely His arm is not too short to save – he can reach you no matter where you are. If you cry out to him, he will hear you (his ear is not dull) and he will reach you – no matter how far you’ve fallen.

I’ll leave you with this: taken from Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit..”

Our God is a God of hope and we can overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Defined

I am in a small group Bible Study doing the book/video series by Beth Moore called Believing God. One of the weekly videos spoke about things we can’t let go of; things from our past which we allow to define us. These are things maybe nobody else thinks or knows about us, but we do, and we continue to speak it into our lives. The enemy continues to bring it to our remembrance and when it comes to mind, we take it in.

The video taught that there are things we will always remember about our pasts and that’s OK. What the video showed is some memories are more than just memories; they are things we continue to define ourselves by. Until we see ourselves as God sees us and we define ourselves as God defines us, we will be stuck. The video showed this as a coat we choose to put on. This coat has a name on the back of it and the name is whatever our memory is. For instance; my coat said “fired” on it. Three years ago I got fired from my job. It was something I couldn’t let go of. Whenever I would think about the situation, I would find myself sucked right back into the same place I was in 3 years ago. I found myself feeling the same feelings, getting all worked up and feeling like a victim. This time in my life carried much shame with it. I was devastated by being fired; my entire life, future, identity and security were in that job. I had only 3 years left until retirement; I had been working there since high school, for 25 years.

It took me over a year of jumping through all the hoops of paperwork, filing grievances, lawyers and a hearing before I was awarded my job back. But, even though I got my job back, I still lost that year of my life. I had gotten unemployment which my employer fought and won the hearing so I had to repay all the money I had received. I had all my eggs in one basket, I’d had my job for more than half my life and it was what was going to make or break my future as far as I was concerned, all my plans hinged on this retirement. Well, God sure shook all that up. I learned real fast that I plan my way, but God directs my paths. I learned to fall on my face and ask God for help.

“A man’s mind plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” Proverbs 16:9

Here I was 3 years later and these thoughts of being fired or of the people involved with firing me would come to mind several times a week and sometimes even several times a day. When the thoughts came I would slip right back into the same place emotionally. I was wearing it like a coat. The study told us we were to reframe whatever memory (old coat) we were defining ourselves by. I was struggling with how to do this.

The next week at the study, Beth used a scripture about Joshua praying for the sun to stand still so he could have more daylight to fight the war he was in (Joshua 10:5-15). She said she was pretty sure some of the men fighting under Joshua were real glad they didn’t stay home that day and miss the miracle God did for them. Beth said there are times she applauds God for what He does in her life. That day, after the video, I applauded God all the way home! My hands were red from my clapping so hard and tears were streaming down my face. The people in the other cars must have thought I lost my mind. I clapped and clapped and clapped and praised and thanked God that I didn’t miss the miracle He performed on the day of my hearing. He got my job and my retirement back. I cheered because He provided for me that year, I clapped and cheered that He came through and He gave me what I needed to return to work for the next 2 years and do the best job I could for this same employer and this same management that had fired me. (When I retired my co-workers told me how amazed they were that I worked so hard and with such loyalty and diligence. There are others who had been fired and got their jobs back and they returned with an attitude of trying to get away with all they can, grumbling and griping to all who will listen.) I cheered God for the work ethic He gave me when I returned, I cheered that I didn’t miss this experience because it gave me a chance to give Him glory!

This broke whatever it was that held me. I am free today. I still have the memory, but I don’t ever get sucked back into it and I don’t put that coat on anymore!

In the Blink of An Eye

One of my favorite songs, is “In the Blink of an Eye” by MercyMe. Lately I’ve been thinking about how things happen just that way…in the blink of an eye. Hurricane Katrina is so fresh. I ponder about how drastically the lives of the people in that area have changed. How drastically the United States has changed because of Katrina, we’ve all been impacted. Blink of an eye….Tsunami and September 11th are other “blinks”. There are so many things that happen so very fast and the impact is great, and the recovery is lengthy.

This led me to thinking about how each and every one of us have “blinks” in our lives. The death of a loved one, divorce, job loss, diagnosis of a deadly disease, car crash, or stroke; the list goes on and on. Seems to me “blinks” are usually not something we would choose and they are not what we consider positive events in our lives.

I’ve had my share of blinks, I just recovered from a huge one. I’m on the other side of it now, but I still carry some remnants…shrapnel if you will. It shows up every so often as a shadow of anger, bitterness and unforgiveness that I carry with me.

This blink was caused by me, just as many are. One bad decision, action or behavior can cause something to happen that will take years to recover from. My bad behavior led to the loss of my job. But God used it for my good and His Glory. He took a jack hammer and removed everything left in my life that I was counting, trusting, and depending on instead of Him: my boyfriend, money, security, and identity. I carried shame and was very isolated. This isolation worked for my good however, I had no one in my life but God, I was isolated with God.

During that time, I made a choice to allow God to work with me. It’s hard to climb up on the operating table and allow things to get cut out. But, I am so glad I did. I got closer to God and began to know Him in a new and fresh way, He is my provider, He knows my name, He created me before the world was formed and He knows me, He loves me and I am His. God is a God of restoration and He has restored my job, my retirement, He gave me a husband and a home. I praise Him for all of His gifts and blessings to me.

This world is temporary and I want to live an intentional life, choosing the right choices, consistently walking with my Lord. God has promised us in the Bible that there will be another blink for us and this one is going to be amazing. It’s when Jesus comes back for the saints and we meet Him in the clouds…in the blink of an eye.

Crystal Pool

Sunday was hot and we’d been promising my nephews we’d take them swimming to this great pool in Crystal, a suburb near our home. They’d been waiting for this; in fact they had even made up a little chant “Cry-stal Po-ol, Cry-stal po-ol, Cry-stal po-ol”. After church, we went out to eat and then home to get ready for swimming.

They were so excited! It was all they could talk about. We got there and when we paid our admission, they told us the youngest (Elijah-he’s 4) couldn’t go on the water slide alone, but Cam could (he’s 7). This was fine with Elijah, he could go, but had to have one of us with him.

We got through the locker rooms and out to the pool and swam very briefly before Cam was climbing the stairs to the slide. They had a regular slide too for the little kids, one like a backyard swing set type. Elijah went down that one, but wanted someone at the bottom to catch him. He quickly got tired of it and went to the shallow area to splash, play and swim.

Cam was going up the stairs and down the slide over and over. I went down the water slide too and once in a while I would go over and talk to Elijah, play with him and then go back to the slides. My boyfriend, Jim stayed with Elijah and played with him. There were two water slides, so Cam and I were racing to see who could get to the bottom first. We would wave over to Elijah to try to get him to come and join the fun. Elijah was afraid and wouldn’t come to the slide area. My boyfriend eventually coaxed Elijah to come over and watch us slide. They were the judges to see who came out of the chute first, me or Cam because we were still racing. There is a bridge over the bottom end of the chutes and they could see us going by on one of the curves of the slide and then a few seconds later come flying out of the chute. I have to admit–it was really fun!

Well, we got Elijah to want to try it and to his credit he got to the top of the stairs and looked afraid, but said he was ready. My boyfriend and Elijah went down one chute and Cam and I went down the other one. The kids would lay on top of us as we went down. Jim sat up the first time with Elijah because you go slower. Cam and I were at the bottom of the chute, in the pool, waiting for them. When they got to the bottom, we were clapping and cheering and they were all smiles! Elijah couldn’t wait to get up the stairs and go again. We must have went down the slides 30 times. Sometimes I would go with Elijah, most times with Cam and sometimes alone. After a few times Elijah wanted to go faster and faster, Jim would lay on his back with him, going as fast as they could. They even beat Cam and I to the bottom a few times!

I think Elijah is like many Christians are. Jesus says “Come with Me. There’s nothing to fear, I will be with you and hold you through the entire experience. You will discover it’s not as you think and you will find joy.”

We can sit on the sidelines and watch other people serve and obey God, walking with Jesus every step of the way. We see the joy on their face and the thrill that ministry and serving gives them in their lives, and yet we’re afraid to climb the steps. We watch on the side of the pool as the Holy Spirit nudges us. Then we get ready for a risk and go down the small slide. Eventually we go to the bridge and watch as the Holy Spirit nudges us again. We pray, Jesus assures us He will be right there every second of the trip and still we hesitate. Finally we climb the stairs, still afraid we sit on Jesus’ lap and take the trip down the slide. We get to the bottom and what do you think? We loved it, it was not what we thought it would be at all! We found joy and relaxation, in fact serving in a ministry with and for Jesus is thrilling! There is a real satisfaction, and we feel closer to Jesus because we trusted, obeyed and stepped out. Now, we find we can’t wait to serve Him again. We climb those steps and this time, we lay down on Jesus’ chest and take a bigger risk, a larger thrill and more joy! We will never be asked to do anything for Jesus that we can’t handle, and He will never leave us or forsake us.

For God Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. (I will) not. (I will) not, (I will) not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let (you) down (relax My hold on you)! Assuredly not! Hebrews 13:5b

As I was with Moses, so I will be with you, I will not fail you or forsake you. Joshua 1:5

I don’t know about you, but I think I’m going to try to stay off the side lines and get in the action. Life with Jesus is more satisfying and rewarding than I ever guessed. Serving Him and serving others brings joy into my life. When another person finds victory in their life or meets Jesus for the first time all of heaven rejoices! Step out and be part of the rejoicing!

You Can’t Stop Me

Last Saturday, I attended a conference sponsored by Women of God. The theme was “In His Presence”. I was within minutes of walking out the door when something happened–my power went out! I checked the circuit breaker box and it was okay, I looked outside to see if my neighbor’s had power, but I couldn’t tell.

I went to the car to leave and I couldn’t–the garage has an automatic door. I remembered if I pulled the red handle that was hanging down I could manually open the door. I pulled the handle, it disengaged, I tried to pull the door up and it wouldn’t budge. I tried and tried and tried! Finally, I went in the house and called the Power Company to see if they knew about the outage. They knew and said it would be back on sometime between 9:00 and Noon! I found myself sitting down and starting to tell myself I would just get comfortable and stay home. Then it came to me that the last thing the enemy wanted me to do was to go to this event! I figured it was going to be great. I decided nothing was going to keep me from going. I sat down, prayed and started to read my Bible, I was going to get filled with the Word and ready for my day. By 9:05 a.m. the power was on and I was on my way.

I wasn’t very late, worship had just finished. They asked us to introduce ourselves to someone near us. I told the lady I spoke with that I was expecting great and wonderful things from God. I knew something awesome was going to happen and that’s why Satan tried so hard to get me discouraged.

I was right, the conference was really terrific! I learned so much and I was so blessed by the worship and the other women. It was a wonderful day. The speakers were really good; one was a Pastor and a psychotherapist. She spoke mostly about the different coping skills and emotions that are developed by people who have been abused. She believes healing ultimately occurs through strengthening the spirit, a deepening relationship with God and healing the soul. We learned contemplative prayer, which I found to be really helpful. Contemplative prayer is when we place ourselves as the “main character” in a Bible story. I stretched out on the pew and closed my eyes as she read a Bible story. She asked us at different times how we felt, what things looked like, etc. It was a healing thing to do. I believe we’re most open to the Holy Spirit and His work in us when we are creative.

I was reminded how important it is to just sit with Jesus. Since then, I have made it a deliberate action in my day, to spend quiet time with Him. He’s my best friend and I find myself throughout the day talking with Him. He goes to work with me, grocery shopping, walking, to coffee and lunch. He goes everywhere with me. I look forward all day to spending quality alone time with Jesus, I am excited and eagerly anticipating my time with Him. I know and I’m aware of Jesus with me throughout the day, because I have set my mind to be. I’ve asked Jesus to help me to be aware and I’m changing already.

I know spending time with Jesus is not just a feeling, it is a state of my soul, and it transforms me. In His presence I am changed, my soul is refreshed and my heart is softened. Little by little, day by day, I develop the mind, heart and attitude of Jesus. I will start to manifest more and more compassion, love and humbleness, all the fruits of the Spirit will be developed in me. I have learned prayer isn’t always talking, thinking or even trying to listen, prayer can be just being open to receive whatever it is Jesus has for me. There are times He brings things up and we walk through the memory or issue together, that’s how healing happens. There are not words to describe the presence of Jesus, or the transformation He does in my soul.

“He must increase, but I must decrease. (He must grow more prominent; I must grow less so.)” John 3:30

I finally got the meaning of this Scripture, and it is so easy! I don’t know why I had such trouble with it. I’ve tried for most of my Christian life to do the things I thought I was supposed to do. For instance: crucify my flesh, seek God’s will, show the fruits of the Spirit, resist the devil, etc. When what I need is to spend time with Jesus. The Holy Spirit impressed upon me this illustration: if I have a glass with dirty water in it and I pour in fresh clean water and continue to pour water in the glass until it overflows; and I pour still more water in it, more and more and more…eventually; the glass has NO dirty water in it, JUST clean water!

“Let this same attitude and purpose and (humble) mind be in you which was in Christ Jesus” Philippians 2:5

“(Not in your own strength) for it is God who is all the while effectually at work in you (energizing and creating in you the power and desire) both to will and to work for His good pleasure and satisfaction and delight.” Philippians 2:13

All I need to do is focus on filling myself full of Him, not removing the undesirable traits that are in me. The undesirable will go when I am continually filled with Jesus. He will never leave me or forsake me, He will not quit-He will continue to transform me and finish the work He started in me. All I have to do is cooperate!