With This Ring

My Mom died almost 9 years ago. Sometimes it feels like forever and other times it feels like just yesterday. Among the things she left was her wedding band. It’s just a thin, gold band; nothing special. It was broken because we cut it off her finger one day when she smashed it in the door. I took it to the jeweler and had it fixed and sized for me and I’ve worn it every day since. 

My niece’s oldest son, Cam is engaged to be married and he had a special bond with my mom; his Great-Grandma. Cam gave his fiancé Angelina a fire opal for their engagement ring. Shortly after they got engaged, it occurred to me her ring wasn’t part of a wedding set so they would need a wedding ring. I thought Mom’s ring would be perfect to go with Angelina’s fire opal. My intention had always been to pass Mom’s ring down to someone in the family and this would be the perfect opportunity. 

I texted Cam and asked if he’d like to give to Angelina and he was ecstatic! Yes! He was so excited, he said Angelina would be very happy because she knew how much Cam’s Grandma meant to him. So, it was decided that Mom’s wedding ring would become their wedding ring. I was filled with joy, it was an honor to do this on behalf of my Mom, I knew she’d want this and if she were here, she’d do the same thing. It felt wonderful to be able to bless Cam and Angelina and it felt really right.

About a week or so later the sadness came. I realized I don’t want to give Mom’s ring up. I always intended to pass it on, but I thought I’d do it in my will or right before I died. I’m not ready to give it up now. I started not wearing it because I didn’t want to lose it and I thought if I quit wearing it now, I’d get used to the fact that soon it won’t belong to me. It didn’t help, I was just as sad and miserable. I realize God asked me to do this and I’m being obedient, but it was much easier when I felt joy about it.

I spent time journaling and asked God what was going on. He showed me it’s very special to me because it’s a symbol of my Mom and Dad’s love. Mom said “I do” to Dad with this ring and Dad said “I do” to Mom. With it, they pledged their lives to each other. It’s a symbol of that bond, their love, their relationship. Mom wore this ring for 50+ years, it’s the most sentimental thing she owned; the only material thing she really cared about. My Mom wasn’t attached to material things but this ring, I think she was. I think of it as a piece of her heart…. her soul. Now, I’m letting it go. I’m sad. I’m miserable. Why would God ask me to do something like this? I know it’s not because He wants me to be miserable. He loves me. Is it because He wants to see if I’ll be obedient when it’s hard? Or because He knows that joy, the feeling of blessing others will return? Maybe He knows I’ll be blessed by being in a position where I’m able to act on Mom’s behalf? I don’t know but I know it’ll reveal itself after I do it; or maybe it won’t.

God wants me to go one step at a time and trust Him; have faith that He knows what’s good for me. He knows the big picture. When I obey, after I obey, after I carry it through; then He reveals the purpose… or not. Sometimes I don’t get to know or see what the purpose of things are. Maybe in Heaven all things will be revealed. In the meantime, it’s one step at a time. Walking by faith, not by sight.

Confused

Lately God has me confused. Well, let me re-phrase that. I’m confused because I’m busy trying to figure out God andwhat He’s up to and where He’s bringing me.

Over 6 months ago my husband and I decided to help my friend launch a new church. We took it on as a short term mission project because neither of us felt called to leave the church we were going to which also the place I work.  Within 2-3 weeks God made it clear to both of us that He was calling us to leave our church. I’ve attended this church for 16 years (and on and off for 3 years prior) and my husband had attended for 11 years. We weren’t sure what God was up to but we obeyed. I assumed my job was part of the package and I was to leave it as well. I was grieving leaving my job because I enjoy it and I love the volunteers I serve with. I have at least 150 I oversee and manage.

I started to look for jobs. I came across some I thought would fit my schedule and would work for me. However, I never applied to any of them. It just didn’t feel right in my spirit. Meanwhile, I started helping my husband at weddings. He’s a photographer and had weddings booked every Saturday in June. I got really wiped out and tired. I had no energy and it would take almost the entire week to recover and then it was time to do it again.

July came and the weddings weren’t booked so close together anymore. It was hot and humid for much of the month and again I found I was tired and had no energy. I blamed the humidity.I painted and worked at the space for the new launch church many afternoons a week. Once I painted for 20-25 minutes and was so sore the next day I could hardly move. I began to realize I most likely couldn’t do a job other than the one I had.

During this time, I continued to pray for God to show me my next place of employment. I made a promise to God back when I first got the job I’m currently doing. It was literally given to me. I didn’t apply for it, they just offered it to me. Initially I said no to their offer and they bargained with me, gave me such a sweet deal I realized it was God who was putting the job in my hand.  I promised Him I would hold it loosely and I’d stay until He took it away. I’ve survived numerous staff and budget cuts and I’m still there. I get frustrated at times because God called to leave our church yet it’s difficult to find a new church when I work 3 Sundays a month. I don’t get it.

I kept thinking God was going move me. I would tell myself “I can do anything for five years” and one day I heard back “even do what you’re doing now?” Huh, that was the last thing I expected. I knew it didn’t come from me. I continued to feel that phrase in my spirit whenever I prayed about it.

I went to the Rheumatologist in August and was told my previous blood work showed I’m in a Lupus flare-up. Well, suddenly my entire summer (and winter before) made sense. That’s why I’m feeling the way I am. I told her about my job and asked her what she thought about me getting a different one; she told me “no”, at least not now. She explained that if I had a different job I would most likely be quite sick. She thinks the reason I don’t feel as bad as my blood work shows is because I’ve learned over the years how to rest AND because I have a job that I can work from home – on my couch. I work when I want, for how long I want. 

About 10-11 years ago my biggest desire was to know God’s voice and hear what He’s saying to me. I realized my prayer has been answered. I clearly know what God is saying to me; I’m never confused about what He says but rather why He’s saying it. I’m incredibly grateful I have learned to recognize and listen to God’s voice in my life. Now my prayer is to relax and quit trying to figure it all out

To Him the gatekeeper opens. The sheep hear His voice, and He calls His own sheep by name and leads them out. When He has brought out all His own, He goes before them, and the sheep follow Him, for they know His voice.  My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.  John 10:3-4; 27

Step by Step

God what is it You’re doing with me?
From my view point, it’s hard to see
It’s been a blur; things happen so fast
And these changes are going to last

My heart and commitments are shaken
My soul has been awakened
Things I trusted and relied on
Have all turned to dust; they’re gone

Gingerly, I take one step at a time
As I cling for life to the vine
Behind me; You close a door
Another step forward, I yearn for more

More will come when the time is right
I find I’m ready for what’s in sight
I breathe deep and I look to You
Step by step You’ll bring me through.

Circle of Light

Bill gave me a birthday card today and inside he wrote: “God was super happy the day He made you, because He knew your whole story from beginning to end and He couldn’t wait to tell it” 

That was the most beautiful thing anybody has ever said to me. It made me cry and I’m still thinking about it. And it’s true, God does know my story. 

“Lord, you have examined me and know all about me. You know when I sit down and when I get up. You know my thoughts before I think them. You know where I go and where I lie down. You know everything I do. Lord, even before I say a word, You already know it. You are all around me—in front and in back—and have put Your hand on me. Your knowledge is amazing to me; it is more than I can understand. All the days planned for me were written in Your book before I was one day old.” Psalm 139:1-6; 16b 

I find this very reassuring. It’s helpful and hopeful for me to know that yes, He knows my story and I don’t and frankly I don’t want to. I think if I would’ve known my story 30 or 40 years ago I would’ve been so overwhelmed I wouldn’t want to live it. I probably would’ve said “just kill me now” 

Do you know why God knows my story? Because He’s the author, He’s the one writing it, not me. It’s good for me to realize and remember that I’m not in control, I don’t see the big picture and I don’t know how my story intertwines with everyone else’s. Yes, I have free will but I’m still pretty powerless. I didn’t have control when I fell on my face last year in AZ and that’s just one example, there are so many other things I can’t control. It’s just an illusion to think I can. It’s better when I realize this and give myself over to it and walk in His will. And when I do this is what He does: He takes His spot light and shines it a few feet in front of me and I step into it; all I know is the light I’m standing in. It’s dark all around and in the darkness there comes another light, a few feet in front of me and I step into it and then I see what it shows me. Sometimes the circle is several feet in front of me and it’s dark in between where I’m standing and the circle of light. However, it’s never total darkness because the light illuminates the space a little. But, nevertheless there are times that I have to go through darkness to reach the light. Those are sometimes periods of  grief and character building.

It’s revealed to me, this life of mine a little at a time. One circle of light at a time; the rest is darkness. And that’s why I’m not in control. 

Praise God.

One Journey Leads to Another

This fall I joined a Women’s group to do a Beth Moore study titled “James, Mercy Triumphs”.  During this study, I was confronted by James every week.  It started with perseverance and endurance and to count our struggles as joy. “Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way” James 1:2-4 MSG

I don’t know about you but I’m a person who’s always looking for short cuts; I’m efficient and organized and I want to live that way. I look for the shortest lines in the grocery store and the traffic lanes that will get me moving the fastest. I am not one to want to be “in” anything; especially if it’s uncomfortable or painful; which it usually is if it’s changing me. James confronted me with the reminder of needing to go “through” things with God and allow Him to refine and perfect me in the process. I want to do anything but go through things; I want to go over them, under, around….anything just to get to the other side and move on.

I meet with a lady once a month and we talk about where I’m seeing God in my life. She recommended a book to me: “So long insecurity” by Beth Moore.  Well, I didn’t really think I had much insecurity but I trust her so I started reading it. Wow! I’m finding the things James confronted me with are my insecurity issues.  Things like:

• Comparing myself to others
• Being critical and judgmental
• Forgetting who I am and believing the lies of the world and the enemy
• Discriminating and treating people differently
• Slander
• Not loving myself in a healthy, balanced way

And that’s just the beginning – I just started this book.

Like Beth I have abuse in my past. I made poor relationship choices; I just kept choosing the same man only with a different face, if that makes any sense. There was a season in my life that my mom disowned me. According to the book; these are the types of things that can cause insecurity.

At the end of the James study I thought I was closing the book on it but it turns out that God didn’t just bring me on a journey through James, he brought me to a deeper journey of working on my insecurity issues with Him. I guess that means I’ll have to be “in” it with Him and go through it; no short-cuts. I need to hang in there; persevere, endure and allow Him to do His work.

In the study of James, Beth said a couple of things that I need to hang onto as I walk out my journey of insecurity:

• I am who God says I am and not the numbing sum of Satan’s accusations
• I am loved and not despised, held and not forsaken, cherished and not ejected, enjoyed and not just endured.

If you haven’t read the book “So Long Insecurity” by Beth Moore, do it!

Faithful With Little

Faithful with Little

We are going to inherit the Kingdom one day:

“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.”  Matthew 25:34 NIV

Right now the Kingdom is in us and one day we will be in it.

“and has made us to be a kingdom and priests to serve his God and Father —to him be glory and power for ever and ever! Amen.” Revelation 1:6 NIV

The story in Matthew 25:14-28 talks about being faithful with what we’ve been given. It says this is what the Kingdom is like.

Each servant was given “according to their abilities”.  So, this means that everything we are given we have the ability to handle, the ability to walk through and to be faithful with it and in it.

There were three servants: one received five bags of gold, one received two bags of gold and one servant received one bag of gold. Two of the servants doubled the gold they were given and one servant buried his bag of gold in the ground.

What have I been doing with what I’ve been given? Have I used it or have I just buried it?  I notice that each servant was only held accountable to be faithful with what they were given. The servant with two bags was only accountable to be faithful for two bags; not for five. Sometimes I think I would be more faithful if I had different circumstances or different gifts. I’d be more faithful if I could just see what’s going on; if God would just show me. I look around and think I’d be more faithful if I had what someone else has; I compare myself to them and think if I had their background and their experiences or their gifts then it would be easy for me to be faithful. But, I don’t have their background, experiences or gifts; I have mine. God just wants me to be faithful with what I have. If what I have is crummy circumstances then that’s what I have to be faithful with. If what I have is limited vision on where or what’s happening; that’s what I have to be faithful with. I can only be faithful with what I have. I can’t be faithful with what you have, just with what I have.

God can and does use everything in our lives for His glory and our good. But, we need to receive it and choose to be faithful with it. We have to do our part; we have to work with Him. No matter what circumstance we find ourselves in we need to own it, stand on it and walk through it as faithful as we can.

When we are faithful with little, we’ll be given more. The more we receive the truth God gives and tells us, the more He’ll give us and the more He’ll speak.

My circumstances aren’t ideal and I bet yours aren’t either but I’m choosing to be as faithful as I know how to be with what I have; and you can too.

Top of the Tree

Oh, the things that I can see
From the top of the family tree
The view it seems, is much more clear
It’s the simple things that I hold dear

The things on which I depend
Are Jesus, family, work and friends
I’ve realized life is just too short
For drama, pettiness, control and the sort

I’m letting go of the younger me
Embracing the one I’m now to be
I’m entering into a new life season
Which has come for many reasons

So, in humility I take my turn
I’m stepping up with much to learn
I’ll keep my heart open to His teaching
And to Jesus, I’ll always be reaching

Struggles and Joy

I keep reading in different places and hearing sermons on struggle, pain and grief and how it relates to joy. It seems that our struggle, pain and grief expand our capacity to feel and experience joy. But, not until we’ve gone through it. I keep thinking about the song that I heard last night “Come to Jesus” I can always come to Jesus and let Him hold me in His arms.

I’ve had struggles, pain and grief for about 2+ years now. When will I get through to the other side? There are times during this season that I have stuffed my feelings and not fully experienced and leaned into them or Jesus. I think that’s how I was raised. When I’ve been alone, there have been times I poured out to God my frustrations and pain about Titus (my cat that I had to have put to sleep recently), my Mom(who just died recently), etc. but I wonder if I did it to the extent that I needed to. But now, I’m not going to deliberately conjure up feelings just for the sake of having them, I don’t think that’s what is meant by fully experiencing grief and pain. I believe what it meant by that is when the feelings naturally come to the surface, don’t stuff them – welcome them and feel them, totally and completely. The trouble was when Brandy (a cat I had to have put to sleep in 2009) was nearing the end and after Mom died the time the feelings would hit me were when I was driving, usually on the freeway. Well, I can’t fall apart on the freeway! Usually I was on my way to a class or a meeting. When I found out about Elsie dying, as soon as I hung up the phone I bawled, sobbing into my hands at the kitchen table, then a found myself falling in a heap of sorrow.  I’m trying to take this as it comes and experience all that comes with it.

Struggles and Joy

Is it true struggle, grief, pain and strife
Are the things that expand joy in our life?
If so, I should soon be the most joyous person around
‘Cause for over 2 years grief and struggles have abound

I often think I’ve gotten to the other side
Then I find out someone else has died
This season that I’m going through
Is the hardest thing I’ve had to do

When oh God will it end?
When will my heart mend?
When will the joy begin to show?
When will my character start to grow?

I guess I haven’t yet mastered endurance
But, I believe the promise, I have assurance
That if I fully experience this ache
That’s exactly what it will take

For depth, character and strength to form in me
And to enter into joy and experience it fully
And so I wait and I pray
Knowing that there will come a day

When from these ashes I will rise
Standing tall and a little more wise