Moment by Moment

Jesus – everywhere I look; it’s You I see
In the tall, majestic Oak tree,
The puffy clouds in the sky so blue,
All things created remind me of You.

You speak to me through your creation,
And show me your awesome imagination
The water, forest and the fields
All of them, to you yield

Through the woods, I love to walk
There I find it’s easy to talk
To talk to you and hear you so clearly
These moments I hold dearly

Why is it these walks aren’t more frequent?
Why isn’t my daily time better spent?
I desire a closer, intimate relationship with You
Yet I find myself doing other things I don’t want to do

It’s that age old question – why do I do
The things that I don’t want to do?
Why can’t I do the things that I want to?
For it’s you Lord, I want to pursue.

I want to drink from the well that satisfies
I want to walk with the one who hears my cries
I want to go through life holding your hand
Guiding me moment by moment through the land

There is Hope

I want to share with you that there is hope. When you’re a Child of God – there’s always hope! Paul says in Colossians 1:27 that we have Christ in us, the hope of glory. (Christ is in us and we can hope for glory – we can!)

I gave my life to Jesus when I was a young child in Sunday school and I fell away – badly when I got a little older. I gave my life to Jesus as an adult when I was 34. At that time, I had been using drugs for about 22 years and was in the process of my 3rd divorce.

I started using when I was barely 13; because I wanted to be grown up, wanted to fit in and just wanted to be cool. My oldest sister introduced me to cigarettes, drinking and pot – all in one night. I had been sexually abused by different men from the age of 11 or 12 until about 15. When I was 22, right after my first divorce my mom disowned me and I went into a downward spiral for the next 12 years.

I used men, a huge variety of drugs and partied whenever I could. My drug of choice was always pot, but also included cocaine for about 8 years. I did many other drugs in my life, but these two were my favorites. My goal was to be stoned from the time I got up in the morning until I passed out at night. In the morning when I was putting my make up on, I was smoking a joint; I smoked on the way to work, at work and on the way home and all night long. A typical day for me was an average of 8 joints and that was when I was by myself. Weekends and when I smoked with friends, my usage was up. This didn’t stop just because I gave my life to Jesus. I continued smoking pot and drinking for about a year and a half after I was saved. I did however, quit using men, partying and doing the bar scene.

When I quit using, it appeared as though it was a miracle, a deliverance; it looked like I just suddenly quit cold turkey. From 8 joints one day – to zero the next. But that wasn’t the case; Jesus had been working on me on the inside for the entire year and a half. I knew I wasn’t pleasing Him and I knew He wanted me to quit. I’d pray and tell Jesus that if I’m ever gonna quit, He’d have to do it for me, because I couldn’t do it alone. The thing is, I didn’t want to quit, I enjoyed it. I prayed that He would make me willing to be willing; and then allow Him to come in and do His work. I would always put this tag though on the end of those prayers and say “but please don’t get me busted!” Cause you know how God is and He works that way sometimes when we don’t get the message.

Well, one day, I heard a sermon and I knew it was time. (The sermon was called “Freeze Tag” and it was about the game of Freeze tag that you’ve maybe played when you were young. Whoever is “it” tags the other players and they are instantly frozen and they have to stay that way until one of the other players comes along and tags them – then they are no longer frozen. The sermon related that game to people who get frozen and stuck in certain patterns or behaviors in life. Frozen people in life stay that way until Jesus comes along and touches them and then they’re no longer frozen. That was me, and that was what I needed…I needed a touch from Jesus) I knew God was speaking through my Pastor directly to me in that sermon. But, I didn’t quit that day, or the next day which was Monday. I was gonna to call my Pastor and realized that Monday was his day off and so Tuesday I called him and I told him everything = I just spilled it all out to him and he was so gracious! We prayed together and that was the last day I used drugs.

So, there is hope. Isaiah 59:1 says “Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear” Surely His arm is not too short to save – he can reach you no matter where you are. If you cry out to him, he will hear you (his ear is not dull) and he will reach you – no matter how far you’ve fallen.

I’ll leave you with this: taken from Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit..”

Our God is a God of hope and we can overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Why Me?

Years before I retired I began dreaming and wondering what I could do for Jesus after I retired. I started praying for Jesus to prepare me for what He had for me and then to place me there after retirement. When my retirement time came, I continued to pray for Jesus to use me and to place me where He wanted me to be. Several things happened as a result of these prayers.

First, nothing happened. But, I wanted my first year off anyway so that was expected; it was part of my plan as well. I used that time to be in women’s bible studies, journal, read, study, write, set up my web site and to just rest, watch movies, do things around the house, etc. I applied for and received a backup receptionist job at my church about 5 months into retirement. Then, about 8-9 months into my retirement, things really started to move. I received an email from church asking if I was interested in being part of the recovery ministry that they were starting. There were several positions to consider. I went to the meeting and after the meeting my husband Bill and I signed up to be small group leaders. I prayed about it and spoke to a spiritual director at a retreat I attended about it, and it seemed to be from God and the way He works in my life.

Very shortly after (10+ months after retiring) one of the Executive Leaders at church offered me a job. I met with him and found out all the details, he set up a job interview and I accepted the job on an interim basis. This started me thinking—why me? What is it about this job that I am the one to be filling the position? It was very clear to me that this came from God; this is where He wants me to be, but why?

I don’t think it’s because what I have to bring to the job – although that’s certainly part of it, but there are many other people with the skills and talents to lead this ministry, so why me? If it’s not just what I have to bring to the ministry, then what else could it be? It could be what the ministry has to bring to me. Somehow I am being refined by this ministry. I am being changed. God has something here for me, something that I need to receive and become.

This ministry is stretching me, I’m not good at recruiting and coming out of my shell to meet, know and lead people and this is something I have to do. There are teams of people I need to team up with; I need to know them, not just their names. I need to find others who can come into these teams and welcome them and help them feel like they belong, like they fit. I can no longer hide and think people don’t like me; that they don’t want to talk to me, etc. I need to be the leader.

At Passion ‘07 there were two leaders of our section of the Touch Team; one was shy and wishy/washy, a people pleaser type; the type that probably thinks people don’t want to talk to him, etc. The stronger leader who spoke clearly and told us the way it was, directed us to what we had to do, he was the better leader. I could clearly see the better leader from the follower’s point of view. Now, I have to be that type of leader, not just be someone who’s in the background, not wanting to speak up and direct; being afraid that people won’t like me, that I will sound stupid or be a bother. I have to be a direct, sound, outspoken leader.

I can be this, I have it in me and God is calling it out of me.

All for Him

I’ve been doing much wondering lately. Our Pastor gave a message and challenged us to wonder about how God wants to change us. We were to pray and ask God the question: What can we work on together (me and God) that will create newness in me by this time next year? God wants me to be continually changing. I am not to be stagnant, I am to keep growing, moving, being refined and transformed into the image of His Son, Jesus Christ. In prayer I asked God to give me a picture of what He wants to do in me.

What came to mind is how different I am when I volunteer; I seem to take on more of my (earthly) father’s personality. My dad was really loving to all people, he was outgoing and would hug people, laugh with them, be present to them; he really would work the crowd. What I mean by that is he would try to speak with each person, love each one and give each one time and attention. He was very social, giving of himself and serving people. He is the one I think of when I think of examples of being Jesus in the skin.

In noticing myself, I see that when I’m not volunteering, I tend to be withdrawn, I don’t initiate conversation, I think people don’t want to be bothered with me. But, when I volunteer-especially at a place that’s not my home church where people know me, I tend to take on the servant’s attitude that my dad lived in front of me. I purposefully give myself and my day to God.

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship.” Romans 12:1

This year I had the privilege of serving at the Candlelight service Christmas Eve at my church. When the candles were being lit on the main floor, I made my way to the balcony to start the lighting of those candles. When all the candles had been lit, we continued to sing several songs. It was so very powerful to me to have that viewpoint of the service. As I stood there and saw all the candles below, heard the songs rising in the air; I knew this was all for Jesus. It was all for Him, about Him and because of Him. I will hold that moment in my mind for a very long time.

A few days later, I traveled to Atlanta, GA to serve in Passion ’07 conference for college students. I served on the “touch team” as an usher. I was so aware of how each day I woke up and my prayer was “today Jesus, is all about You, I give this day to You, I give myself to You, this day and all that it holds is all for You”. I put myself aside and was a servant for the entire day. Whatever I could do to serve Jesus, and to serve the students (His children) attending the conference, that’s what I did. My entire day and my entire being was all about serving. I put myself on the altar each and every morning and gave myself as a living sacrifice to God and to His Kingdom work.

It occurred to me; why do I just do that here? Why do I just put myself on the altar when I’m serving as a volunteer at a special event? Why don’t I live this way every day of my life? That’s my prayer, that each and every day I put myself on the altar and give myself as a living sacrifice to God and to His Kingdom work; to serve His children and to love them. I want to make each and every day all for Him, about Him and because of Him. Along with this, I want to have the personality, the character of a servant as my dad did; the one that’s outgoing–loves and laughs with all people. I want to take that on and to drop the one that I’ve had—being withdrawn because I think no one wants to be bothered with me.

So from this day forward my prayer and my goal are to each and every morning set myself on the altar as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God. I want each day to be all for Him, about Him and because of Him.

Applauding Jesus

I got fired from the job I had for 25 years. I had counted on, made my life plans and my retirement around this job. Now, I was fired. I was a little over 3 years from being eligible for retirement.

After filing a grievance with the union and an arbitration hearing I got my job back. It took over a year and during that time, I had received unemployment, but my employer contested it, there was a hearing and I lost. I was ordered to repay the money I had received (over $10,000.)

Returning to work was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in my life. I went back to the same job, same department and same management that fired me. The good news was that I could retire in a little over 2 years. I knew in my heart that to humble myself and return to work was exactly what Jesus wanted for me. I had spent over a year praying for the situation. A few other employees that had been fired close to retirement had been allowed to retire without returning to work; that was the result I had begged Jesus for. But instead, I had to return to work. It was very hard and I was humbled, feeling as though I was being watched, etc.

Still other employees who got fired and were rewarded their jobs back; when they returned, they were always arrogant because they had won their case. They were bitter, doing just enough work to get by, slowed down their production to the bare minimum; they bad mouthed the management and the company as a whole. They became real “problem children” after their return. But I was different, I was not bad mouthing, I was not acting angry and bitter, I increased my production and was obedient to the management and the authority over me.

I did have anger however toward the individual people who were involved in firing me, my direct supervisor and several others above him. I didn’t express this to them, but in my mind I thought of myself as being a victim. I replayed different scenarios over in my mind that my superiors could have done to resolve the problem. It didn’t have to be a disciplinary action/firing. I thought they fired me so they could make an example out of me to the others, to rattle the cages so to speak. Years after being fired I was still replaying these things over in my mind-sometimes several times a day, always several times a week and I was getting angry every time I did. I see now that I was in bondage to these feelings, I couldn’t shake them.

In a bible study at my Church by Beth Moore called Believing God there was a video regarding our identity in Christ. She used the analogy of coats we put on having labels on them that we see ourselves as. For instance: do we wear a coat labeled “divorced”, “fired”, “ugly”, “unlovable”, unworthy”, “no good” or something else? How we see ourselves affects how we relate to others and to God. We need to take off these coats and see ourselves as God sees us. We need to put on coats that have labels that are more appropriate and true: “loved”, “beautiful”, “masterpiece”, “friend of God”, “worthy” those kinds of names.

“And put on the new nature (the regenerate self) created in God’s image, (Godlike) in true righteousness and holiness.” Ephesians 4:24

Beth said in her video that maybe if we would give Jesus applause once in a while, He would be more apt to do an encore. So, all the way home that day in my car I clapped, I applauded Jesus and I thanked Him for allowing me to be fired, for working into me humbleness and refining my character. I thanked Him for all the work He had done in me through that experience, I learned to trust Him more, to rely on Him when I had nothing else that seemed solid in my life; I learned that I make plans, but He directs my path. I thanked Him and applauded loudly, my hands were red and sore, tears were streaming down my face and I was beaming in a broad smile at the same time! I thanked Him for the experience and told Him I wouldn’t trade it for anything! I thanked Him for my retirement and offered it up to Him to use me as He sees fit.

This was the day the anger broke, I no longer replay this over and over in my mind. I am not upset and feeling victimized by this event in my life. I know that Jesus used this for my good.

Seeking to Devour

The evil one roams about looking for someone whom he can devour (1 Peter 5:8). This is his job. He does this day and night. Satan looked and found Job, and petitioned God regarding Job, God asked Satan where he had been and this was his answer (Job 1:7). Satan did it again with Peter, he looked and found Peter and asked God permission to sift Peter like wheat (Luke 22:31). This is Satan’s job. He is looking 24/7/365 for people who call themselves committed to Jesus and he wants to sift them like wheat. He is the accuser of the brethren (Rev. 12:10); he continually accuses believers before God. Satan doesn’t have to try and torment the non-Christians and destroy and devour them, he already has them, he’s only interested in people who love Jesus. He realizes the end is soon and he wants to pull down as many people as he can before it’s too late. So, he looks; and he asks God to sift us; and he sifts us. What does sifting look like? What does it feel like? Why does God say yes when He is asked? Why doesn’t God protect us? I have all these questions and I don’t have any of the answers. I get really confused when I read things like this in the Bible and I wonder…..

I think something really important for us to remember is we wrestle not with flesh and blood but with principalities and powers (Eph 6:12). It’s really easy for us to think that the circumstance or the person is our enemy when in fact it is Satan just searching and trying to trip us up because we are God’s beloved. I think Satan knew Peter was the rock that God was going to build the Church on, (Matt 16.18) and Satan wanted Peter. If Satan isn’t bothering you, perhaps you’re not a threat to him; perhaps you’re not one who will make a difference in the Kingdom. I don’t want Satan after me, yet I know if he isn’t, then I am not doing much with my life to influence others. I want to grow, change and make a difference in the Kingdom. I want to fulfill the purpose God has had for me since the beginning of time. I want, I want, I want. Yet, am I preparing myself? Am I allowing God to use this time I have to teach me, to show me, to grow me, for me to know Him, be close and walk, I mean really walk in the presence of God every moment of every day. I say that’s what I want, but is it what I’ve devoted my life, my time, my treasure, my talent, my temple to?

Satan walks the earth seeking whom he may devour, yet “the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth to show Himself strong in behalf of those whose hearts are blameless toward Him.” II Chronicles 16:8a. I want God to find me when He looks, to see me as having a blameless heart toward Him, He will show Himself strong on my behalf! God knows my name! God promises He will go before me and level the mountains (to make the crooked places straight); and He will break in pieces the doors of bronze and cut asunder the bars of iron, He will give me treasurers of darkness and hidden riches of secret places that I may know it is Him, the God of Israel Who calls me by my name! (Isaiah 45:2-3)

Here is what I need to know beyond a doubt. I need to know how to hear from God. He is my Shepherd (Psalms 23:1) and I am His sheep, I know His voice (John 10:4). But, I don’t always listen.

I found this in Isaiah today and it really spoke to me. “Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer, you shall cry, and He will say Here I am. If you take away from your midst yokes of oppression (wherever you find them), the finger pointed in scorn (judgment) and every form of false, harsh, unjust and wicked speaking.” Isaiah 58:9 This tells me the Lord will hear me and answer me IF I stop pointing the finger at others in judgment (this is something I am still really bad at doing), being critical, judgmental, etc. He will hear me and I will hear Him if I just stop doing this! Further down, verse 11: “And the Lord shall guide you continually and satisfy you in drought and in dry places and make strong your bones. And you shall be like a watered garden and like a spring of water whose waters fail not. (vs. 12) And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt.” My ancient ruins are my past and believe me, there are ruins that could really use some rebuilding! He will make strong my bones! He will water me! He will guide me CONTINUALLY! And satisfy me in drought and dry places!!! What more could I ever want! The King of Kings, the creator and sustainer of the universe and the galaxies will guide me continually! All I have to do is stop being so judgmental, gossiping and pointing fingers, quit going my own way and seeking my own stuff and if I do this, I will delight myself in the Lord and He will take care me, He will feed me and give me the promise

Vs 13b-14 “not going your own way or seeking or finding your own pleasure or speaking with your own (idle) words. (GOSSIP), Then will you delight yourself in the Lord, and I will make you ride on the high places of the earth, and I will feed you with the heritage promised for you of Jacob your father; for the mouth of the Lord has spoken it.”

Baptism Thoughts

It was a beautiful day for a baptism it was still nice out, the heat and humidity hadn’t set in yet. There was a service in the park building before going out to the lake for the baptism. The service consisted of music, introductions and testimonies from the baptism candidates. Each candidate had a sponsor who anointed them with oil and spoke a blessing over them. The service ended with all of us saying the Apostles Creed together:

I believe in God, the Father Almighty,
maker of heaven and earth,
and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord:
Who was conceived of the Holy Spirit,
born of the Virgin Mary,
suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, died, and was buried.
He descended into hell.
The third day He arose again from the dead.
He ascended into heaven
and is seated at the right hand of God the Father Almighty,
from whence He shall come to judge the living and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy Christian church,
the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins,
the resurrection of the body,
and life everlasting.
Amen.

Saying the Apostles Creed is not new to me, I grew up in a traditional Lutheran Church and we said the Apostles Creed every Sunday. I know it by heart and have said it many times before. But this time was different for some reason, the words really meant something to me and by the end of the creed, I had tears in my eyes.

I know what I believe and to be able to state what I believe to God, others and to myself is so rich to me. I needed to hear myself say this creed and to stand in a crowd of other believers saying the same thing. We have been discussing community at our church and wondering how to create an atmosphere or environment of community that others can enter into if they choose. This was community to me.

The part of the service held in the building ended and it was time to go to the waters of baptism. We sang one verse of “Grace Flows Down” in the building and continued to sing as we followed the baptism candidates and their sponsors out the door. It’s a public lake and beach and there were other people and families outside swimming and playing in the water and on the sand. They watched as we came out the building. It was such an awesome experience and I felt so close to Jesus as we walked to the water. We stopped on the shore and removed our shoes and the baptism candidates and their sponsors were led into the water. The rest of us were invited to step into the water as well, to remember our baptism, to show our support and belief and to be a community of believers.

I stood in water up to my thighs, watching from a distance as each pair stepped into the center of the circle and the sponsor announced “I baptize you:______________ in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit” and held them in their arms, lowered them into the water and then back up again. When each of them came up the first thing I noticed was a huge smile on their face and they wrapped their arms around their sponsor with a big hug.

Baptism is so special to me. I was baptized as an infant and when I was 37 I chose to be baptized again. I made the decision because I wanted it to be my decision. My infant baptism didn’t really hold any meaning for me because it wasn’t decided by me. My adult baptism was a way for me to be obedient to Jesus by making my beliefs public. Another thing it did for me was to show people I am willing to be held accountable for my actions. I have followed Jesus into the waters of baptism, I have died to myself and I want to live for Him and only for Him.

When Jesus was baptized there was a loud voice from heaven and the dove ascended on Him. This is the only time all three parts of the trinity were witnessed at the same place and time. This is a special occasion it was the beginning of Jesus’ ministry here on earth. God is pleased with us when we are baptized just as He was pleased with Jesus and in many ways it can be the beginning of our ministry here on earth.

Dying to Live

I retired around Christmas and knew when I did that I needed time to do nothing. I needed to spend time with Jesus, allow Him to heal me of the past and to prepare me for the next season of my life. I had worked for the same place for most of my life, since I was 17 and my everything had ended up being that job. What I mean is it was my security, my identity, my purpose; it was what I had given myself to for more than half my life. I had gotten fired 3 years before and spent a year fighting and going through the process to get my job back. By the grace of God, I did. (That’s another story…) So, now when I was retiring, I was aware of all of this “stuff” that I had invested in my job. I am a person that is very organized and efficient; I am a fixer and love to help. I can multi-task and do massive amounts of work in a short amount of time and do it correctly. So, when I retired, people kept telling me they couldn’t believe it was possible for me to do nothing.

Well, there have been several times I’ve contacted people, offering to volunteer in various positions, and it’s pretty amazing but none of them have been seen through. The places seem to need and want me, but yet it doesn’t happen. I know it is God reminding me to be still and to know Him. In my Believing God Bible study I have learned sometimes faith is stepping out, being active and doing and other times faith is being still, doing nothing. God grows us deeper before He grows us wider. For now, my life and my world is very small; but yet I know God is at work.

For Lent… first I thought I would do the thing I do every year and give up chocolate. Then I thought I would fast on bad words and feast on good words. I prayed and not until Ash Wednesday service did it come to me that Jesus wanted me to give up listening to the radio and talking on the cell phone in the car, which was to be my fast, my feast was to pray in the car. I was having such a hard time doing this….I was running out of things to say. (Imagine that!) I asked the ladies in my small group (Morning Blend) at church to pray for me and on my way home from group I heard in my spirit that praying isn’t all about talking non-stop, it’s listening too!

Here are some of the things I’ve heard while listening…

In Morning Blend I am doing the Believing God Bible study by Beth Moore and one of the studies is for us to create a prayer list for ourselves and people we know then ask God for scripture that relate to those subjects. We are to re-word the scripture into a prayer. Well, one day on the way to church, I was driving and trying to scribble on a napkin the scriptures that I was getting, they were coming so fast! It also turned out that when I had made the list of needs for myself as to where I was in my life and what was going on in my “season” I wasn’t exactly right. God showed me some other scriptures in a different area.

During the Easter season this year we had a sermon series at church about dying to live, based on the seed that dies to reproduce.
“The truth is, a kernel of wheat must be planted in the soil. Unless it dies it will be alone–a single seed. But its death will produce many new kernels–a plentiful harvest of new lives.” John 12:24

“What a foolish question! When you put a seed into the ground, it doesn’t grow into a plant unless it dies first.” 1 Corinthians 15:36

The sermon included interaction with the congregation. We had the opportunity to go forward and get a wheat seed which symbolized what we needed to die to and we would put it in a tray of dirt. On Easter Sunday, those same trays were on the altar with green grass 5-6” tall! I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me go back; when I heard the sermons about the seeds; I of course thought I knew what I needed to die to. I was ready to stick my seed in the dirt that first night, but as I listened, Pastor Dave said something about taking it home and looking at it for a week and sitting with God with your seed and for some reason, that’s what I did. I put the seed in my Bible mesh pocket and looked at it every day for a week. I prayed about it, I asked my small group to pray for me to know what my seed was…but all along, I thought I knew.

The next weekend came and I was serving at church all three services, I forgot my Bible at home on Saturday so I couldn’t bury my seed. By this time, I had come up with a different thing my seed would symbolize for me…my attitude. I thought this had to be it, although I didn’t feel as though I had received that word from God, but I still thought it was right. Well, God surprised me again. I gave my mom a ride home from church and we were talking about people we knew and after I dropped her off at her house, it was real clear. I was only alone in the car for a second, I hadn’t even pulled away from the curb yet and I heard God say to me “that’s what I mean….out of the same mouth come blessings and curses and that ought not be so” James 3:10 (This is what we had been studying all week in my Believing God Bible Study…what verification!). I just broke and said out loud “I am a man of unclean lips and I live in a world of people of unclean lips” Isaiah 6:5 The next day between services, I brought my seed up and planted it, I took the holy water and sprinkled it on the dirt over my seed and I knew beyond a doubt I need to die to my mouth.

So, I am dying daily. It’s not been easy, but God is doing His part. I pray daily for Him to “set a watch over my lips” Psalm 141:3 and He’s being faithful. There are times He intercepts my thoughts before they become words and I cooperate, most of the time…. Of course, other times, those words just fly right out, and I immediately pray a prayer of repentance and acknowledge I can’t do this without God, but I am going to live!!!