Powerless

This last week has been really crazy for me. I’ve been reminded over and over just how powerless I am. How powerless we all are.

Last Monday, I was at North Memorial in MG with Bill. He was getting a test done as an outpatient. While I was waiting for him my niece called and told me my Mom had been taken to the Hospital by ambulance. She didn’t have any other information – just that.

I called and verified that my mom had just arrived in the ER and they were checking her out – they’d call when they had more information. So, when Bill got done we went from North Memorial in MG to North Memorial in Robbinsdale. The bottom line is that mom has a blood clot in her heart. She’s home now but she has a long road ahead of her yet.

Through this God has been showing me and teaching me many things:

• To live one day at a time; sometimes one moment at a time.
• I am powerless and I have to continually turn things over to Him – that’s been my entire week this week.
• He’s showing me just how precious each moment is and not to take anything for granted.
• He’s shown me the love He has for His children and that no matter how old we are – we’re still His children.
• That He gives us the strength and grace we need for each day – our “daily bread”.
• He’s shown me the importance of family and friends and that they really make a difference in our lives.
• He’s shown me the reality of “we can make our plans, but He directs our steps”
• that ultimately He’s in control. And we – are powerless.

One of the cool things He showed me is the complex and unique way He has created us. I was in the room when Mom got an ultrasound done of her heart. At one point the image on the screen was like a little cone head person (you can tell I’m a 70’s SNL fan J) I think there was more than one but I could really only see one and this little cone head person; was praising God! It was kinda like jumping jacks yet not really. It would raise it’s hands in praise and then back down to touch I think the other cone head person. I really think it was her heart pumping and the valves letting the blood flow by and then blocking it again. I’m not sure, but to me, in that moment it was cone head people praising God. I just thought – wow, even our hearts praise God with every beat!

Feelings

At aerobics today, as the teacher was leading us she was talking about going to the doctor yesterday with her son. She said her son needed a procedure that would hurt. What she did was she bought him a bag of licorice (his favorite treat) and gave him half before the appointment and told him if he didn’t cry, he would get the other half. Now, I don’t know how old her son is, but it got me to wondering. Why do we do these things with our children? Why do we teach, especially boys not to cry? Is it discipline they’re learning or are they learning how to stuff their feelings? I know that as adults we can’t go through life crying every time we’re hurt, we have to learn to manage our feelings, but what is the healthy balance and how do we teach it to our children?

As usual, I have more questions than answers. I do know that Jesus cried and He cried in front of others. He felt and showed all His feelings (compassion, hurt, joy, grief, etc.) not just some of them or the ones that were considered “good”. I believe it’s good to feel and express feelings; however, we must not be ruled by them. We must learn to manage our emotions and feelings. There are appropriate feelings and appropriate times in which to express them.

When I was very young, I was taught to stuff feelings, the bad ones anyway. Some of the bad ones for me as a girl were: anger, hurt, disappointment, frustration, depression, sadness and grief. When I would feel any of these, the feelings were minimized and I was told “the person who hurt me didn’t mean it”, “don’t think about it”, “don’t worry about it”, all of these types of messages. I got rewarded if I didn’t cry when I got a shot at the Dr’s office when I was very young. When I was older 12 or so, I got a dollar every time I went to the Dentist when I had to have a procedure requiring several visits. When I was 13 or 14 my mom thought I was pregnant from fooling around with the boys at the farm in the hay loft. When in fact I was just smoking cigarettes with them and escaping my cousin in the house so I wouldn’t get put to work. After the Dr’s appointment that required a pelvic exam (my first!) and a pregnancy test that turned out to be negative, my mom didn’t say she was sorry, she didn’t say anything really, she just brought me to the mall and bought me a pair of moccasins (my favorite shoes) from the expensive store instead of the discount store.

As an adult those rules of “bad” feeling verses “good” feelings still linger in me. I used drugs at a very young age and I kept using them for 23 years. Now, 10 years later, I still have a very hard time naming, recognizing and expressing my feelings. I also have a hard time having conversations around uncomfortable topics or when I need to humble myself because I was wrong, those types of things. I tend to want to buy people that I’ve hurt presents and reward people for doing hard things.

My original question remains: Why do we teach these things to our children?

Applauding Jesus

I got fired from the job I had for 25 years. I had counted on, made my life plans and my retirement around this job. Now, I was fired. I was a little over 3 years from being eligible for retirement.

After filing a grievance with the union and an arbitration hearing I got my job back. It took over a year and during that time, I had received unemployment, but my employer contested it, there was a hearing and I lost. I was ordered to repay the money I had received (over $10,000.)

Returning to work was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in my life. I went back to the same job, same department and same management that fired me. The good news was that I could retire in a little over 2 years. I knew in my heart that to humble myself and return to work was exactly what Jesus wanted for me. I had spent over a year praying for the situation. A few other employees that had been fired close to retirement had been allowed to retire without returning to work; that was the result I had begged Jesus for. But instead, I had to return to work. It was very hard and I was humbled, feeling as though I was being watched, etc.

Still other employees who got fired and were rewarded their jobs back; when they returned, they were always arrogant because they had won their case. They were bitter, doing just enough work to get by, slowed down their production to the bare minimum; they bad mouthed the management and the company as a whole. They became real “problem children” after their return. But I was different, I was not bad mouthing, I was not acting angry and bitter, I increased my production and was obedient to the management and the authority over me.

I did have anger however toward the individual people who were involved in firing me, my direct supervisor and several others above him. I didn’t express this to them, but in my mind I thought of myself as being a victim. I replayed different scenarios over in my mind that my superiors could have done to resolve the problem. It didn’t have to be a disciplinary action/firing. I thought they fired me so they could make an example out of me to the others, to rattle the cages so to speak. Years after being fired I was still replaying these things over in my mind-sometimes several times a day, always several times a week and I was getting angry every time I did. I see now that I was in bondage to these feelings, I couldn’t shake them.

In a bible study at my Church by Beth Moore called Believing God there was a video regarding our identity in Christ. She used the analogy of coats we put on having labels on them that we see ourselves as. For instance: do we wear a coat labeled “divorced”, “fired”, “ugly”, “unlovable”, unworthy”, “no good” or something else? How we see ourselves affects how we relate to others and to God. We need to take off these coats and see ourselves as God sees us. We need to put on coats that have labels that are more appropriate and true: “loved”, “beautiful”, “masterpiece”, “friend of God”, “worthy” those kinds of names.

“And put on the new nature (the regenerate self) created in God’s image, (Godlike) in true righteousness and holiness.” Ephesians 4:24

Beth said in her video that maybe if we would give Jesus applause once in a while, He would be more apt to do an encore. So, all the way home that day in my car I clapped, I applauded Jesus and I thanked Him for allowing me to be fired, for working into me humbleness and refining my character. I thanked Him for all the work He had done in me through that experience, I learned to trust Him more, to rely on Him when I had nothing else that seemed solid in my life; I learned that I make plans, but He directs my path. I thanked Him and applauded loudly, my hands were red and sore, tears were streaming down my face and I was beaming in a broad smile at the same time! I thanked Him for the experience and told Him I wouldn’t trade it for anything! I thanked Him for my retirement and offered it up to Him to use me as He sees fit.

This was the day the anger broke, I no longer replay this over and over in my mind. I am not upset and feeling victimized by this event in my life. I know that Jesus used this for my good.

Seeking to Devour

The evil one roams about looking for someone whom he can devour (1 Peter 5:8). This is his job. He does this day and night. Satan looked and found Job, and petitioned God regarding Job, God asked Satan where he had been and this was his answer (Job 1:7). Satan did it again with Peter, he looked and found Peter and asked God permission to sift Peter like wheat (Luke 22:31). This is Satan’s job. He is looking 24/7/365 for people who call themselves committed to Jesus and he wants to sift them like wheat. He is the accuser of the brethren (Rev. 12:10); he continually accuses believers before God. Satan doesn’t have to try and torment the non-Christians and destroy and devour them, he already has them, he’s only interested in people who love Jesus. He realizes the end is soon and he wants to pull down as many people as he can before it’s too late. So, he looks; and he asks God to sift us; and he sifts us. What does sifting look like? What does it feel like? Why does God say yes when He is asked? Why doesn’t God protect us? I have all these questions and I don’t have any of the answers. I get really confused when I read things like this in the Bible and I wonder…..

I think something really important for us to remember is we wrestle not with flesh and blood but with principalities and powers (Eph 6:12). It’s really easy for us to think that the circumstance or the person is our enemy when in fact it is Satan just searching and trying to trip us up because we are God’s beloved. I think Satan knew Peter was the rock that God was going to build the Church on, (Matt 16.18) and Satan wanted Peter. If Satan isn’t bothering you, perhaps you’re not a threat to him; perhaps you’re not one who will make a difference in the Kingdom. I don’t want Satan after me, yet I know if he isn’t, then I am not doing much with my life to influence others. I want to grow, change and make a difference in the Kingdom. I want to fulfill the purpose God has had for me since the beginning of time. I want, I want, I want. Yet, am I preparing myself? Am I allowing God to use this time I have to teach me, to show me, to grow me, for me to know Him, be close and walk, I mean really walk in the presence of God every moment of every day. I say that’s what I want, but is it what I’ve devoted my life, my time, my treasure, my talent, my temple to?

Satan walks the earth seeking whom he may devour, yet “the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth to show Himself strong in behalf of those whose hearts are blameless toward Him.” II Chronicles 16:8a. I want God to find me when He looks, to see me as having a blameless heart toward Him, He will show Himself strong on my behalf! God knows my name! God promises He will go before me and level the mountains (to make the crooked places straight); and He will break in pieces the doors of bronze and cut asunder the bars of iron, He will give me treasurers of darkness and hidden riches of secret places that I may know it is Him, the God of Israel Who calls me by my name! (Isaiah 45:2-3)

Here is what I need to know beyond a doubt. I need to know how to hear from God. He is my Shepherd (Psalms 23:1) and I am His sheep, I know His voice (John 10:4). But, I don’t always listen.

I found this in Isaiah today and it really spoke to me. “Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer, you shall cry, and He will say Here I am. If you take away from your midst yokes of oppression (wherever you find them), the finger pointed in scorn (judgment) and every form of false, harsh, unjust and wicked speaking.” Isaiah 58:9 This tells me the Lord will hear me and answer me IF I stop pointing the finger at others in judgment (this is something I am still really bad at doing), being critical, judgmental, etc. He will hear me and I will hear Him if I just stop doing this! Further down, verse 11: “And the Lord shall guide you continually and satisfy you in drought and in dry places and make strong your bones. And you shall be like a watered garden and like a spring of water whose waters fail not. (vs. 12) And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt.” My ancient ruins are my past and believe me, there are ruins that could really use some rebuilding! He will make strong my bones! He will water me! He will guide me CONTINUALLY! And satisfy me in drought and dry places!!! What more could I ever want! The King of Kings, the creator and sustainer of the universe and the galaxies will guide me continually! All I have to do is stop being so judgmental, gossiping and pointing fingers, quit going my own way and seeking my own stuff and if I do this, I will delight myself in the Lord and He will take care me, He will feed me and give me the promise

Vs 13b-14 “not going your own way or seeking or finding your own pleasure or speaking with your own (idle) words. (GOSSIP), Then will you delight yourself in the Lord, and I will make you ride on the high places of the earth, and I will feed you with the heritage promised for you of Jacob your father; for the mouth of the Lord has spoken it.”

Rejection’s Vacancy

I’m doing a Beth Moore Bible Study with my husband. We watch a teaching from her for about an hour on line and then do a workbook for 5 days. The study is on the Fruit of the Spirit. The first fruit we studied was love. It’s funny, because our church is doing a sermon series on the Holy Spirit and just when we started this bible study, the sermon series moved from the Gifts of the Spirit to the Fruit of the Spirit; funny how God works.

During the message on love, Beth spoke about rejection. We have all been rejected at some point in our life and rejection makes us react. Either we put up walls and decide we are not going to love that deeply again, not be that vulnerable again or expose our real self to anyone — after all that’s how we get hurt. Our hurt goes as deep as our love did and we think if we love little, we will hurt little, that’s how we rationalize it to ourselves. Yet, if we love little, do we really love?

The word rejected is chadel in Hebrew; Strong’s dictionary shows the word “vacant” in the definition. Vacant is a word that surprised me. Beth Moore talked about this vacancy as being something we experience when we are rejected by someone we love. This rejection leaves a vacancy in our soul and in our lives. We want to fill this vacancy with something or someone. There are times we fill this vacancy with drugs, alcohol, shopping, gambling or other people; we jump right into another relationship which turns out to be destructive.

Looking back, I find that most of my bad decisions in life were made from the place of a vacancy caused by rejection. I have most often jumped into another relationship to fill this hole in me instead of going to God to fill it. After all, God is the only one who really can fill this emptiness in me and heal me, He is all I need. I have done things that I didn’t believe in and I have been a person that I’m really not, just to keep someone in my life, I was so afraid of being alone. I would let the other person dictate who and what I was. I did this in relationships I wasn’t even happy in with people I know now I really didn’t love. But, I thought I loved them and I thought the reason I wasn’t happy is because they were not keeping me or making me happy. I realize now that people cannot make or keep me happy and I cannot make or keep someone else happy. My happiness must come from within…from God.

The first thing I noticed when I gave my life to Christ at 34 years old, was I could be alone, and be OK. I lived alone then and previously when I had lived alone, I was anxious to go someplace or to have people over. I would even pay for people to go places with me. I was desperate. Then, when I gave my life to Christ, I was delivered from this. I stayed home alone most nights and I was OK, I practiced being alone; I went out to dinner, I went to David Copperfield when he was in town, I went on vacation for a long weekend and even went to St Louis, MO for a Joyce Meyer conference, all of this, I did alone. I found it to not be lonely, but exciting, Jesus was my date, He was my companion and there is no one better to spend time with. I found Jesus could go anywhere and everywhere with me. I could bake cookies with Him, go shopping with Him and just do everyday, ordinary things with Him.

What I learned most by looking at my past rejections was there was one early on that to me was huge and it colored my thinking and every decision I made for years. I didn’t even realize it was the source of my shame or the cause of my bad decisions and poor perception of myself. It was huge and happened to me when I was in my early 20’s and it took until my 40’s to figure it out, over 20 years!

Rejection and the shame that sometimes accompanies it, the vacancy that always accompanies it is not something we can ignore.

Run to Jesus with it…RUN! He can heal you everywhere you hurt.

In the Blink of An Eye

One of my favorite songs, is “In the Blink of an Eye” by MercyMe. Lately I’ve been thinking about how things happen just that way…in the blink of an eye. Hurricane Katrina is so fresh. I ponder about how drastically the lives of the people in that area have changed. How drastically the United States has changed because of Katrina, we’ve all been impacted. Blink of an eye….Tsunami and September 11th are other “blinks”. There are so many things that happen so very fast and the impact is great, and the recovery is lengthy.

This led me to thinking about how each and every one of us have “blinks” in our lives. The death of a loved one, divorce, job loss, diagnosis of a deadly disease, car crash, or stroke; the list goes on and on. Seems to me “blinks” are usually not something we would choose and they are not what we consider positive events in our lives.

I’ve had my share of blinks, I just recovered from a huge one. I’m on the other side of it now, but I still carry some remnants…shrapnel if you will. It shows up every so often as a shadow of anger, bitterness and unforgiveness that I carry with me.

This blink was caused by me, just as many are. One bad decision, action or behavior can cause something to happen that will take years to recover from. My bad behavior led to the loss of my job. But God used it for my good and His Glory. He took a jack hammer and removed everything left in my life that I was counting, trusting, and depending on instead of Him: my boyfriend, money, security, and identity. I carried shame and was very isolated. This isolation worked for my good however, I had no one in my life but God, I was isolated with God.

During that time, I made a choice to allow God to work with me. It’s hard to climb up on the operating table and allow things to get cut out. But, I am so glad I did. I got closer to God and began to know Him in a new and fresh way, He is my provider, He knows my name, He created me before the world was formed and He knows me, He loves me and I am His. God is a God of restoration and He has restored my job, my retirement, He gave me a husband and a home. I praise Him for all of His gifts and blessings to me.

This world is temporary and I want to live an intentional life, choosing the right choices, consistently walking with my Lord. God has promised us in the Bible that there will be another blink for us and this one is going to be amazing. It’s when Jesus comes back for the saints and we meet Him in the clouds…in the blink of an eye.

The Pit

You were there when I was numb
When I was lost.
When I didn’t know where to find…..
me.

I didn’t know where to look.
Going through the motions
seemed so hard.
My struggles just brought
me deeper in the pit.

But, no pit is deeper
than the arm of God.
And You were there.
You met me in my pit,
and sat with me awhile.
And we cried together.
We mourned my losses:
-of hope
-of the future
that “my mind” had planned,
and realized that You directed my path.

Your plans are better than mine,
Your thoughts are higher than mine.
And I put my hand in Yours,
and You are bringing me out of that pit.
And I know there is glorious sunshine at the end.

However long it takes
However many rocks are in my path,
we will go hand in hand
and I will trust You
and follow You completely.
For You know me
and even though You know,
You love me!

You Can’t Stop Me

Last Saturday, I attended a conference sponsored by Women of God. The theme was “In His Presence”. I was within minutes of walking out the door when something happened–my power went out! I checked the circuit breaker box and it was okay, I looked outside to see if my neighbor’s had power, but I couldn’t tell.

I went to the car to leave and I couldn’t–the garage has an automatic door. I remembered if I pulled the red handle that was hanging down I could manually open the door. I pulled the handle, it disengaged, I tried to pull the door up and it wouldn’t budge. I tried and tried and tried! Finally, I went in the house and called the Power Company to see if they knew about the outage. They knew and said it would be back on sometime between 9:00 and Noon! I found myself sitting down and starting to tell myself I would just get comfortable and stay home. Then it came to me that the last thing the enemy wanted me to do was to go to this event! I figured it was going to be great. I decided nothing was going to keep me from going. I sat down, prayed and started to read my Bible, I was going to get filled with the Word and ready for my day. By 9:05 a.m. the power was on and I was on my way.

I wasn’t very late, worship had just finished. They asked us to introduce ourselves to someone near us. I told the lady I spoke with that I was expecting great and wonderful things from God. I knew something awesome was going to happen and that’s why Satan tried so hard to get me discouraged.

I was right, the conference was really terrific! I learned so much and I was so blessed by the worship and the other women. It was a wonderful day. The speakers were really good; one was a Pastor and a psychotherapist. She spoke mostly about the different coping skills and emotions that are developed by people who have been abused. She believes healing ultimately occurs through strengthening the spirit, a deepening relationship with God and healing the soul. We learned contemplative prayer, which I found to be really helpful. Contemplative prayer is when we place ourselves as the “main character” in a Bible story. I stretched out on the pew and closed my eyes as she read a Bible story. She asked us at different times how we felt, what things looked like, etc. It was a healing thing to do. I believe we’re most open to the Holy Spirit and His work in us when we are creative.

I was reminded how important it is to just sit with Jesus. Since then, I have made it a deliberate action in my day, to spend quiet time with Him. He’s my best friend and I find myself throughout the day talking with Him. He goes to work with me, grocery shopping, walking, to coffee and lunch. He goes everywhere with me. I look forward all day to spending quality alone time with Jesus, I am excited and eagerly anticipating my time with Him. I know and I’m aware of Jesus with me throughout the day, because I have set my mind to be. I’ve asked Jesus to help me to be aware and I’m changing already.

I know spending time with Jesus is not just a feeling, it is a state of my soul, and it transforms me. In His presence I am changed, my soul is refreshed and my heart is softened. Little by little, day by day, I develop the mind, heart and attitude of Jesus. I will start to manifest more and more compassion, love and humbleness, all the fruits of the Spirit will be developed in me. I have learned prayer isn’t always talking, thinking or even trying to listen, prayer can be just being open to receive whatever it is Jesus has for me. There are times He brings things up and we walk through the memory or issue together, that’s how healing happens. There are not words to describe the presence of Jesus, or the transformation He does in my soul.

“He must increase, but I must decrease. (He must grow more prominent; I must grow less so.)” John 3:30

I finally got the meaning of this Scripture, and it is so easy! I don’t know why I had such trouble with it. I’ve tried for most of my Christian life to do the things I thought I was supposed to do. For instance: crucify my flesh, seek God’s will, show the fruits of the Spirit, resist the devil, etc. When what I need is to spend time with Jesus. The Holy Spirit impressed upon me this illustration: if I have a glass with dirty water in it and I pour in fresh clean water and continue to pour water in the glass until it overflows; and I pour still more water in it, more and more and more…eventually; the glass has NO dirty water in it, JUST clean water!

“Let this same attitude and purpose and (humble) mind be in you which was in Christ Jesus” Philippians 2:5

“(Not in your own strength) for it is God who is all the while effectually at work in you (energizing and creating in you the power and desire) both to will and to work for His good pleasure and satisfaction and delight.” Philippians 2:13

All I need to do is focus on filling myself full of Him, not removing the undesirable traits that are in me. The undesirable will go when I am continually filled with Jesus. He will never leave me or forsake me, He will not quit-He will continue to transform me and finish the work He started in me. All I have to do is cooperate!