Cancer Scare

My sister found out she had a “large mass” on her right kidney. She didn’t have any symptoms and didn’t have a clue it was there. It was kind of a fluke they found it.

She had abdominal pains and went to the ER because she was out of town and it was a weekend. They diagnosed her with a severe bladder infection. During the exam they did a CT scan of her abdomen and that’s when they saw the mass.

When she got back home she went for a follow up with a kidney specialist and he did his own CT scan and verified it was indeed there. He told her it looked like she had kidney cancer! Wow!

It made me think of how quickly things can change. Out of the blue a diagnoses of cancer can come and rock your world and everyone’s world that’s close to you. We are all just fragile humans and our fatality is guaranteed, it’s just a matter of time. Suddenly she was in a whirlwind of tests: bone scans, PET scans, blood work, etc. They found out she has Type II diabetes and started her on a special diet and insulin. We were all praying like crazy and asking everyone we knew to pray too. Please God take this cancer away from her!

My dad and mom are both gone, dad died in 1992 and mom in 2010. I was really close to my mom’s sister and she died in 2011. I’ve been going through many changes with the realization that my generation is now the top of the family tree. The view is much different from up here. I want to end well, I want to live well and with that will come dying well; I hope. But for me I’ve been very aware of this new season of life I’m entering and am trying my best to embrace it. Now, with the news of my oldest sister facing kidney cancer; I again had to look at the reality that comes with being at the top of the tree. It’s our turn. We’re next.

This realization woke me up to the fact that I need to start living out my love for people. Sure, my sister and I have history and it’s not all pretty. We’ve had our issues just like any other family does but the bottom line is that although we may not always like each other; we always love each other and that’s what needs to be on the surface. That’s what’s important. Love needs to win and it always will.

I asked her how I could be there for her, did she want me to come to the hospital and be in the waiting room during her surgery? (She had her kidney removed) Her answer was yes. So, I went. I waited. I prayed. I had to leave early due to a meeting I couldn’t reschedule or get out of at work. This type of meeting is very rare for me but yet it was my reality on this day of all days. I hated to leave. My body left but my mind, soul, spirit and heart were left behind in that waiting room.

During the meeting I got a text that said she was out of surgery and in recovery I was delighted! JOY! I felt lighter and realized what a heaviness I had been carrying. I wondered what heaviness my sister and her husband had been experiencing.

The mass was tested and it was a cyst!! Praise God! He is the ultimate healer and Great Physician. He took the cancer away! I love it when prayer is answered! Even her doctor was amazed. He said he was sure it was cancer. He had never seen a cyst that shape or size before. It had all the characteristics of a cancerous tumor; there was blood flowing through it, it was growing and it was large.

My faith is boosted, God still does miracles and He answers prayer always. Sometimes not with the answer we are hoping for but sometimes we do get the answer we’re hoping for.  I’m grateful for this lesson of the importance of family and showing love and support. Opening my eyes once again to the season of life I’m in and remembering to make the most of who, what and where I am. I have no children of my own and because of this I tend to think I have nothing to leave behind – no legacy; no one to carry on my blood line or traits they’ve inherited from me. But I can leave something behind. There’s more than one way to leave an inheritance. The dictionary includes in the definition of inheritance this: “the inheritance of traits”. I can leave memories, love and faith; pieces of myself (traits) that I’ve invested in and/or shown to others. It’s never too late to start.

God has a Sense of Humor

God has a sense of humor. He gets me in the places I need to be by placing a variety of circumstances in front of me.

I was done with Physical Therapy for my shoulder but was still having pain. There were nights I’d sleep on the couch because it hurt too bad to sleep in bed. The couch allowed me to lean on the back of it which relieved my shoulder pain so I could sleep. I’d been getting massages for my shoulder and they seemed to help for a while but the pain would always return.

I started buying massage coupons for different places through Crowd Cut, Living Social and Groupon; most of them were $39 for an hour. The first coupon I used was for a massage at a Chiropractor’s office which included a wellness exam. I had my exam with Dr. Lindsey, a young, warm, friendly lady. She told me my neck doesn’t have the range of motion that it should. She said x-rays were included in the Living Social deal and asked if I wanted them. I said “sure, why not?” She took x-rays of my neck and my shoulder. She reviewed them with me and my shoulder turned out to be as we thought – no issues in the bone structure. However, my neck has 2 problems and if I do nothing these 2 issues will progress to be a herniated disc in one place and a bone fusion in another. She told me she can’t fix the damage that has already been done but she can prevent it from progressing any further. I agreed to treatment twice a week for 8 times and then taper down to 4 to 6 times a year for maintenance.

With the first treatment I noticed my neck felt better. I didn’t know I had an issue with my neck until I had something to compare it to, I guess. But something else happened with that first adjustment, my shoulder was much better. I was amazed! She wasn’t working on my shoulder but my neck. She explained that the muscle structure around my neck is affected by the adjustment and therefore my shoulder muscles are receiving some benefits as well. With each adjustment my shoulder got better and better. I’m able to do my physical therapy exercises better and am progressing much more quickly toward getting my strength back. The best part is I only experience occasional pain now; most of it’s discomfort more than anything.

I’ve never been to a Chiropractor before and wouldn’t have even thought of going to one. I didn’t know I needed work done to my neck and I didn’t think they could do anything about my shoulder. However, God knew and He knew how to get me there.  This is just one more positive thing that came out of my vacation accident. That accident gave me a shoulder injury which led me to physical therapy which led me to massage which led me to the Chiropractor which will lead to avoiding serious neck issues in the future. Amazing!

Always Here with Me

“I’ve been carrying you on my back from the day you were born And I’ll keep on carrying you when you’re old. I’ll be there, bearing you when you’re old and gray I’ve done it and will keep on doing it, carrying you on my back, saving you. So to whom will you compare me, the Incomparable? Can you picture me without reducing me?” Isaiah 46:3b-5

“You alone created my inner being. You knitted me together inside my mother. I will give thanks to you because I have been so amazingly and miraculously made. Your works are miraculous, and my soul is fully aware of this. My bones were not hidden from you when I was being made in secret, when I was being skillfully woven in an underground workshop. Your eyes saw me when I was only a fetus. Every day of my life was recorded in your book before one of them had taken place.” Psalms 139:13-16

These verses remind me that God has always been there with me and for me. He was there from conception until birth and he will be there from birth until death and beyond. Even the times in my life when I didn’t see him; he was there.

Looking back on my life there are times I can see very clearly that he was there. Several times I should have died but didn’t because he was there; saving me and rescuing me. I’m sure there are even more times that I won’t know about until I get to heaven.

My aunt always told me I was a miracle baby. My mother had multiple miscarriages and a baby she gave birth to who died in the hospital. She was told she couldn’t have children. They adopted two girls and then were very surprised when mom was pregnant again. Dad and Mom never expected me to go full term, they thought she would have a miscarriage; but here I am!  God’s hand was on me in her womb. There have been many times since my birth that I could have died:

When I was 4 years old I had a form of staff infection that was really hard to diagnose.
In my 20’s I did cocaine and my heart would beat so fast and hard but yet I would continue to do it throughout the night.
In my 30’s I had a husband who threatened to kill me
When I was 52 I had an accident; the wind pushed me so hard it made me run and then slammed me into the rocky ground alongside a canyon. I could have easily run right off the edge and into the canyon or hit my head just right on the rocks and died.

Many times, I look back over my life and just see my mistakes and poor choices and I wish I would’ve done it all differently. There are things I regret. But, I know God uses it all, nothing goes to waste and I know all of the things I’ve been through made me who I am today; and I love who I am. I need to quit seeing my past through the filter of mistakes and regret and start seeing through the filter of sanctification and gratitude. I have some really great friends, family and special times that I wouldn’t trade for anything. My job with the city gave me retirement; retirement gave me my job at Open Door and time to be with my mom, get closer to her and help her when she needed someone, I’m so glad that someone was me. I am grateful!

I know I’m alive because God wants me alive; no other reason. And I will remain alive until He calls me home.

I’m Powerless

This last week has been really crazy for me. I’ve been reminded over and over just how powerless I am. How powerless we all are.

Last Monday, I was at North Memorial in Maple Grove with Bill. He was getting a test done as an outpatient. While I was waiting for him my niece called and told me my Mom had been taken to the Hospital by ambulance. She didn’t have any other information – just that.

I called and verified that my mom had just arrived in the ER and they were checking her out – they’d call when they had more information. So, when Bill got done we went from North Memorial in Maple Grove to North Memorial in Robbinsdale. The bottom line is that mom has a blood clot in her heart. She’s home now but she has a long road ahead of her yet.

Through this God has been showing me and teaching me many things:
• To live one day at a time; sometimes one moment at a time.
• To be fully present to each moment.
• I am powerless and I have to continually turn things over to Him – that’s been my entire week this week.
• He’s showing me just how precious each moment is and not to take anything for granted.
• He’s shown me the love He has for His children and that no matter how old we are – we’re still His children.
• That He gives us the strength and grace we need for each day – our “daily bread”.
• He’s shown me the importance of family and friends and that they really make a difference in our lives.
• He’s shown me the reality of “we can make our plans, but He directs our steps”
• that ultimately He’s in control. And we – are powerless.

Here’s a “physical heart-snapshot”
One of the cool things He showed me is the complex and unique way He has created us. I was in the room when Mom got an ultrasound done of her heart. At one point the image on the screen was like a little cone head person (you can tell I’m a 70’s SNL fan) I think there was more than one but I could really only see one (because of the size of the screen) and this little cone head person; was praising God! It was kinda like jumping jacks yet not really. It would raise it’s hands in praise and then back down to touch the other cone head person.

I really think it was her heart pumping and the valves letting the blood flow by and then blocking it again. I’m not sure. But to me, in that moment it was cone head people praising God. I just thought – wow, even our hearts praise God with every beat!

He I Am To Worship

I volunteered for the Passion Regional Conference in Chicago last weekend. I’ve volunteered for Passion Conferences in the past and loved it. I was on the Touch Team again and it’s the team that interacts with the students the most. The Touch Team is usually inside the arena to help students find seats, answer any questions they may have and assist them in any way. We – the volunteers are there to serve the Kingdom by serving the students. We are to be Jesus in the skin to them.

Well, I think I’m ready for this and I love to serve; it always has brought me joy in the past. The funny thing is this time, it was different – I was different. We started out doing the set up and getting ready for the conference – we arrived at 8 a.m. and the first session was at 7 p.m. I was assigned to help at registration from 2 until 5 in the afternoon. At 5:00 I was on the Touch Team. I was so excited and wanted to have a really good position. I told myself it was because I loved to interact with the students and I loved to serve God. At the meeting of the Touch Team we were told that the position we received for the first night was to be the same position we would hold for the entire conference. Well, my husband got put in a really good place and I ended up being assigned with another volunteer to stand by a barrier and not allow anyone who wasn’t a volunteer to go beyond it. This barrier was out in the concourse. I was so disappointed and angry. I didn’t want to be there, I was whining about everything: my back was going to hurt because I have to keep moving and this position was standing still; it was a stupid place to stand; it didn’t take two of us to guard this barrier; on and on I was complaining to myself. My feelings were taking over. I knew in my head that I was serving God no matter where I was assigned, but my emotions were not matching what I knew to be true. I prayed and thanked God for the opportunity to serve and I knew I was serving regardless of where I was and I praised Him for what He was going to do that weekend in the hearts of all the people attending. Even though I didn’t feel like saying the words, I said the words. I confessed that I was feeling selfish and didn’t want to feel that way but I needed help to get past this.

I wasn’t there too long and one of the leaders asked me to move to the next spot over and help a different volunteer to work the aisle in the arena and decide when to close that section and send everyone to the upper level. I was excited to do that, even though it wasn’t a good position either. I was mad at myself for not being up front of the group and taking one of the first positions that were given away; I was upset not to be where my husband was assigned.

We were told that the following day the 15 registration people would be joining the Touch Team. Well, my plan was to ask to be reassigned to be with my husband Bill now that we had more people and someone else could take my spot. I talked to Bill about it and he thought it was a great idea; he wanted to serve with me. Well, I asked and what happened was they switched Bill and the guy I was serving with the night before. So, the guy I was serving with got the good spot and Bill ended up in the crummy spot with me! I was really upset with myself for not getting myself out of that spot, but now I got Bill in there with me – I ruined it for him! He just takes it all in stride and he seems to be happy anywhere they put him. He’s so great – I can learn so much from him! The people that were on the end portal didn’t show up, one of them was to be on the meal team that morning and would be back after lunch; so they asked me and Bill to split up and he took the end portal and I stayed where I was. Meanwhile, I’m critiquing everything in my head – where are the 15 volunteers from registration? What about the meal team – where are they? (They were supposed to join the Touch Team in the afternoon) We should be doubled up all over the place and it seems like we have the same, if not less than before. The guy that was at the end portal the day before that had joined the meal team came back before the evening session and told us he was a “floater” we saw him just talking and wandering around on the floor and everywhere – it didn’t seem as though he was serving anywhere – just enjoying the conference. Well, seems as though everything was bothering me: I thought I lost $20 and I was flustered and upset, an intercessor that was praying over the seats before the building was open took my sweatshirt that I had saving my seat because she thought it was lost and found – that upset me. I just was miserable and not in the right place in my heart. I prayed and really focused and decided I was in a good spot, I could see just fine and this wasn’t about me.

Well, Louie did a sermon and he said many things that really spoke to me. He talked about people who to go church and complain all the way home about how they didn’t get anything out of the worship, etc. Well, the worship wasn’t for them, it was for God. That’s why we worship – it has nothing to do with what we get or don’t get out of it, we aren’t to be doing it for ourselves. He said as long as we are reacting like that in regards to anything…the worship, the sermon, etc., it shows that the filter or the lens we are viewing the world through is one that is all about ourselves. We need to get rid of that filter – we are not there for us. Why we are there is for God, whether we are attending or serving. Our service is worship to God, is it a sweet aroma in His nostrils? We go and we sing “Here I am to Worship”….when really, no we aren’t there to worship – at least not God we are there to please and feed and make our flesh happy.

Live in the Light

Today at church the sermon was about learning to live in the light. We’ve been in a series about the Way of the Rabbi and how we can follow Jesus, our Rabbi in our everyday life. The verse today’s message was focused on was “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.” 1 John 1:7

What does walking in the light mean to me and you? James tells us that Jesus is “the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” James 1:17b. Jesus doesn’t change – he gives it to us straight, he isn’t like man, he is in the light and there is no darkness in him. He has no “shifting shadows” like man does, where we will say something and then we back out of it saying that’s not what we meant, or we were just kidding, etc. Jesus is what he is, he doesn’t wear a mask and hide and pretend to be something he isn’t; like we do sometimes.

In the sermon today, we were taught that living in the light isn’t just not telling lies, (insincere smiles, unfelt words, and plastic living — wearing a mask) it isn’t just telling the truth or owning our “stuff”, but it also means not hiding. We can hide and pretend to be something we’re not so people will like us and that’s darkness, that’s hiding. The more we hide the more it becomes a way of life for us; something natural that we do without thinking, we are learning how to lie, learning how to live in the darkness. It happens so gradually we really don’t realize how good we are at it and how much a part of us it has become. If we are not living in the light we are not having true fellowship or a relationship with anyone. The person our friends are in relationship with isn’t us; they are in relationship with the false self that we’ve been showing them.

It was communion weekend at church and we were invited to come to the table. We were asked to think about what the Rabbi is showing us as darkness in our lives. What are we not facing, hiding from or hiding behind, what are we not being truthful about? The prayer ministers were at the front of the church and we could go and confess to them during the communion time.

After the sermon, two people moved the cross from the side of the platform to the center of the floor in front to be accessible for anyone to come forward. The room got darker and two very bright lights lit up the cross. The cross was light. We could go forward to Jesus and be in the light if we needed to deal with some things we were hiding from. Jesus doesn’t shine the light on us; rather, He invites us into it. He does this not to embarrass or shame us but rather to heal, forgive, restore and cleanse us.

I love to watch and pray for people from the balcony, it provides the best “big picture” viewpoint. From the balcony I could see the brightness of the cross and there were many people who had gone forward to the cross. What struck me instantly was the light that was shining on the cross was really bright and it created a circle on the carpet around the cross and after the circle it was dark. The people that had gone forward had all stopped on the edge of the light and kneeled. It was so symbolic to me of how hard it is for people to be fully in the light. They approached the light and stopped as soon as they got there. It was too bright to just step into all at once. Healing is a process, most of the time it doesn’t just happen. From the balcony I stood there and prayed and I wasn’t even sure how to pray other than for Jesus to do his work with his children. His children that he loves so very much and wants to heal, forgive, deliver, restore and cleanse. I prayed for Jesus to bring them more fully into the light to call them closer to him and into the brightness of his light. I prayed they stay in the light and live in the light; to know that light isn’t something to fear because it reveals; but rather something to embrace because it brings life.

Defined

I am in a small group Bible Study doing the book/video series by Beth Moore called Believing God. One of the weekly videos spoke about things we can’t let go of; things from our past which we allow to define us. These are things maybe nobody else thinks or knows about us, but we do, and we continue to speak it into our lives. The enemy continues to bring it to our remembrance and when it comes to mind, we take it in.

The video taught that there are things we will always remember about our pasts and that’s OK. What the video showed is some memories are more than just memories; they are things we continue to define ourselves by. Until we see ourselves as God sees us and we define ourselves as God defines us, we will be stuck. The video showed this as a coat we choose to put on. This coat has a name on the back of it and the name is whatever our memory is. For instance; my coat said “fired” on it. Three years ago I got fired from my job. It was something I couldn’t let go of. Whenever I would think about the situation, I would find myself sucked right back into the same place I was in 3 years ago. I found myself feeling the same feelings, getting all worked up and feeling like a victim. This time in my life carried much shame with it. I was devastated by being fired; my entire life, future, identity and security were in that job. I had only 3 years left until retirement; I had been working there since high school, for 25 years.

It took me over a year of jumping through all the hoops of paperwork, filing grievances, lawyers and a hearing before I was awarded my job back. But, even though I got my job back, I still lost that year of my life. I had gotten unemployment which my employer fought and won the hearing so I had to repay all the money I had received. I had all my eggs in one basket, I’d had my job for more than half my life and it was what was going to make or break my future as far as I was concerned, all my plans hinged on this retirement. Well, God sure shook all that up. I learned real fast that I plan my way, but God directs my paths. I learned to fall on my face and ask God for help.

“A man’s mind plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” Proverbs 16:9

Here I was 3 years later and these thoughts of being fired or of the people involved with firing me would come to mind several times a week and sometimes even several times a day. When the thoughts came I would slip right back into the same place emotionally. I was wearing it like a coat. The study told us we were to reframe whatever memory (old coat) we were defining ourselves by. I was struggling with how to do this.

The next week at the study, Beth used a scripture about Joshua praying for the sun to stand still so he could have more daylight to fight the war he was in (Joshua 10:5-15). She said she was pretty sure some of the men fighting under Joshua were real glad they didn’t stay home that day and miss the miracle God did for them. Beth said there are times she applauds God for what He does in her life. That day, after the video, I applauded God all the way home! My hands were red from my clapping so hard and tears were streaming down my face. The people in the other cars must have thought I lost my mind. I clapped and clapped and clapped and praised and thanked God that I didn’t miss the miracle He performed on the day of my hearing. He got my job and my retirement back. I cheered because He provided for me that year, I clapped and cheered that He came through and He gave me what I needed to return to work for the next 2 years and do the best job I could for this same employer and this same management that had fired me. (When I retired my co-workers told me how amazed they were that I worked so hard and with such loyalty and diligence. There are others who had been fired and got their jobs back and they returned with an attitude of trying to get away with all they can, grumbling and griping to all who will listen.) I cheered God for the work ethic He gave me when I returned, I cheered that I didn’t miss this experience because it gave me a chance to give Him glory!

This broke whatever it was that held me. I am free today. I still have the memory, but I don’t ever get sucked back into it and I don’t put that coat on anymore!