Applauding Jesus

I got fired from the job I had for 25 years. I had counted on, made my life plans and my retirement around this job. Now, I was fired. I was a little over 3 years from being eligible for retirement.

After filing a grievance with the union and an arbitration hearing I got my job back. It took over a year and during that time, I had received unemployment, but my employer contested it, there was a hearing and I lost. I was ordered to repay the money I had received (over $10,000.)

Returning to work was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in my life. I went back to the same job, same department and same management that fired me. The good news was that I could retire in a little over 2 years. I knew in my heart that to humble myself and return to work was exactly what Jesus wanted for me. I had spent over a year praying for the situation. A few other employees that had been fired close to retirement had been allowed to retire without returning to work; that was the result I had begged Jesus for. But instead, I had to return to work. It was very hard and I was humbled, feeling as though I was being watched, etc.

Still other employees who got fired and were rewarded their jobs back; when they returned, they were always arrogant because they had won their case. They were bitter, doing just enough work to get by, slowed down their production to the bare minimum; they bad mouthed the management and the company as a whole. They became real “problem children” after their return. But I was different, I was not bad mouthing, I was not acting angry and bitter, I increased my production and was obedient to the management and the authority over me.

I did have anger however toward the individual people who were involved in firing me, my direct supervisor and several others above him. I didn’t express this to them, but in my mind I thought of myself as being a victim. I replayed different scenarios over in my mind that my superiors could have done to resolve the problem. It didn’t have to be a disciplinary action/firing. I thought they fired me so they could make an example out of me to the others, to rattle the cages so to speak. Years after being fired I was still replaying these things over in my mind-sometimes several times a day, always several times a week and I was getting angry every time I did. I see now that I was in bondage to these feelings, I couldn’t shake them.

In a bible study at my Church by Beth Moore called Believing God there was a video regarding our identity in Christ. She used the analogy of coats we put on having labels on them that we see ourselves as. For instance: do we wear a coat labeled “divorced”, “fired”, “ugly”, “unlovable”, unworthy”, “no good” or something else? How we see ourselves affects how we relate to others and to God. We need to take off these coats and see ourselves as God sees us. We need to put on coats that have labels that are more appropriate and true: “loved”, “beautiful”, “masterpiece”, “friend of God”, “worthy” those kinds of names.

“And put on the new nature (the regenerate self) created in God’s image, (Godlike) in true righteousness and holiness.” Ephesians 4:24

Beth said in her video that maybe if we would give Jesus applause once in a while, He would be more apt to do an encore. So, all the way home that day in my car I clapped, I applauded Jesus and I thanked Him for allowing me to be fired, for working into me humbleness and refining my character. I thanked Him for all the work He had done in me through that experience, I learned to trust Him more, to rely on Him when I had nothing else that seemed solid in my life; I learned that I make plans, but He directs my path. I thanked Him and applauded loudly, my hands were red and sore, tears were streaming down my face and I was beaming in a broad smile at the same time! I thanked Him for the experience and told Him I wouldn’t trade it for anything! I thanked Him for my retirement and offered it up to Him to use me as He sees fit.

This was the day the anger broke, I no longer replay this over and over in my mind. I am not upset and feeling victimized by this event in my life. I know that Jesus used this for my good.

Defined

I am in a small group Bible Study doing the book/video series by Beth Moore called Believing God. One of the weekly videos spoke about things we can’t let go of; things from our past which we allow to define us. These are things maybe nobody else thinks or knows about us, but we do, and we continue to speak it into our lives. The enemy continues to bring it to our remembrance and when it comes to mind, we take it in.

The video taught that there are things we will always remember about our pasts and that’s OK. What the video showed is some memories are more than just memories; they are things we continue to define ourselves by. Until we see ourselves as God sees us and we define ourselves as God defines us, we will be stuck. The video showed this as a coat we choose to put on. This coat has a name on the back of it and the name is whatever our memory is. For instance; my coat said “fired” on it. Three years ago I got fired from my job. It was something I couldn’t let go of. Whenever I would think about the situation, I would find myself sucked right back into the same place I was in 3 years ago. I found myself feeling the same feelings, getting all worked up and feeling like a victim. This time in my life carried much shame with it. I was devastated by being fired; my entire life, future, identity and security were in that job. I had only 3 years left until retirement; I had been working there since high school, for 25 years.

It took me over a year of jumping through all the hoops of paperwork, filing grievances, lawyers and a hearing before I was awarded my job back. But, even though I got my job back, I still lost that year of my life. I had gotten unemployment which my employer fought and won the hearing so I had to repay all the money I had received. I had all my eggs in one basket, I’d had my job for more than half my life and it was what was going to make or break my future as far as I was concerned, all my plans hinged on this retirement. Well, God sure shook all that up. I learned real fast that I plan my way, but God directs my paths. I learned to fall on my face and ask God for help.

“A man’s mind plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” Proverbs 16:9

Here I was 3 years later and these thoughts of being fired or of the people involved with firing me would come to mind several times a week and sometimes even several times a day. When the thoughts came I would slip right back into the same place emotionally. I was wearing it like a coat. The study told us we were to reframe whatever memory (old coat) we were defining ourselves by. I was struggling with how to do this.

The next week at the study, Beth used a scripture about Joshua praying for the sun to stand still so he could have more daylight to fight the war he was in (Joshua 10:5-15). She said she was pretty sure some of the men fighting under Joshua were real glad they didn’t stay home that day and miss the miracle God did for them. Beth said there are times she applauds God for what He does in her life. That day, after the video, I applauded God all the way home! My hands were red from my clapping so hard and tears were streaming down my face. The people in the other cars must have thought I lost my mind. I clapped and clapped and clapped and praised and thanked God that I didn’t miss the miracle He performed on the day of my hearing. He got my job and my retirement back. I cheered because He provided for me that year, I clapped and cheered that He came through and He gave me what I needed to return to work for the next 2 years and do the best job I could for this same employer and this same management that had fired me. (When I retired my co-workers told me how amazed they were that I worked so hard and with such loyalty and diligence. There are others who had been fired and got their jobs back and they returned with an attitude of trying to get away with all they can, grumbling and griping to all who will listen.) I cheered God for the work ethic He gave me when I returned, I cheered that I didn’t miss this experience because it gave me a chance to give Him glory!

This broke whatever it was that held me. I am free today. I still have the memory, but I don’t ever get sucked back into it and I don’t put that coat on anymore!

Allowed to Hunger

Deuteronomy 8:2-3.

The setting: Israel is at the Jordan River preparing to cross over into the Promised Land. The people of Israel had come full circle. They had been here before and had made a choice not to trust and believe God. They chose to believe man–the 10 spies that said they couldn’t make it in the new, promised land. Because of their choice, God made them wander in the wilderness for 40 years. The adults would miss out on the Promised Land and the children would have to wait forty years to enter in.

During that 40 years God provided for them. Here in Deuteronomy, they are remembering their wilderness experience.

“And you shall [earnestly] remember all the way which the Lord your God led you these 40 years in the wilderness, to humble you and to prove you, to know what was in your [mind and] heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. And He humbled you and allowed you to hunger and fed you with manna….” Deuteronomy 8:2-3a

God does this in my life. He allows me to hunger so He can feed me. He allows me to ______ so He can __________me. I can fill in these blanks with so many things. God has allowed me to feel pain so He can heal me. He allowed me to feel lonely so He could keep me company. He allowed me to cry so He could give me comfort. There are so many things I have gone through that in hindsight I can see how God used each and every one of them. He uses them for different reasons, sometimes so I will find Him and ask Him into my life and other times to call me into a new place in my life, or to call me back to Him.

What God doesn’t do, is to use these sins and choices of mine to punish me. He never gives me what I deserve in regards to my sin, if He did, I would be dead. He is a merciful God and He gives me grace, love and forgiveness.

“He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.” Psalm 103.10

The other part of the verse…”to humble and to prove you, to know what was in your [mind and] heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not.” Deuteronomy 8

I believe it is in our trials that our true character shows. Some people I have known go right back to their former lives when hard times come. If they were addicted to something in the past, that’s right where they go. Other people I have known really press into God, small groups and community when they encounter trials. This is one way for God to know our true heart. It’s also how God develops us into maturity.

“He disciplines us for our good, that we may share His holiness.” Hebrews 12:10b

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4

He disciplines us for our good that we may share His holiness. I don’t know about you, but that’s what I want. I want His holiness. I want perseverance to finish its work in me so that I may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. I want to bring God glory in all I do, say, think and feel.

So, my friends when you encounter difficulties remember; God allows you to hunger so He can feed you. He wants nothing more than for us to share His holiness. We are created in His image and we have the Holy Spirit inside of us and Jesus walks beside us every step of the way. Trust Him and believe Him, He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, He will not leave us or forsake us. He will not fail us. Where ever He brings us, He can keep us. He will feed us.

Dying to Live

I retired around Christmas and knew when I did that I needed time to do nothing. I needed to spend time with Jesus, allow Him to heal me of the past and to prepare me for the next season of my life. I had worked for the same place for most of my life, since I was 17 and my everything had ended up being that job. What I mean is it was my security, my identity, my purpose; it was what I had given myself to for more than half my life. I had gotten fired 3 years before and spent a year fighting and going through the process to get my job back. By the grace of God, I did. (That’s another story…) So, now when I was retiring, I was aware of all of this “stuff” that I had invested in my job. I am a person that is very organized and efficient; I am a fixer and love to help. I can multi-task and do massive amounts of work in a short amount of time and do it correctly. So, when I retired, people kept telling me they couldn’t believe it was possible for me to do nothing.

Well, there have been several times I’ve contacted people, offering to volunteer in various positions, and it’s pretty amazing but none of them have been seen through. The places seem to need and want me, but yet it doesn’t happen. I know it is God reminding me to be still and to know Him. In my Believing God Bible study I have learned sometimes faith is stepping out, being active and doing and other times faith is being still, doing nothing. God grows us deeper before He grows us wider. For now, my life and my world is very small; but yet I know God is at work.

For Lent… first I thought I would do the thing I do every year and give up chocolate. Then I thought I would fast on bad words and feast on good words. I prayed and not until Ash Wednesday service did it come to me that Jesus wanted me to give up listening to the radio and talking on the cell phone in the car, which was to be my fast, my feast was to pray in the car. I was having such a hard time doing this….I was running out of things to say. (Imagine that!) I asked the ladies in my small group (Morning Blend) at church to pray for me and on my way home from group I heard in my spirit that praying isn’t all about talking non-stop, it’s listening too!

Here are some of the things I’ve heard while listening…

In Morning Blend I am doing the Believing God Bible study by Beth Moore and one of the studies is for us to create a prayer list for ourselves and people we know then ask God for scripture that relate to those subjects. We are to re-word the scripture into a prayer. Well, one day on the way to church, I was driving and trying to scribble on a napkin the scriptures that I was getting, they were coming so fast! It also turned out that when I had made the list of needs for myself as to where I was in my life and what was going on in my “season” I wasn’t exactly right. God showed me some other scriptures in a different area.

During the Easter season this year we had a sermon series at church about dying to live, based on the seed that dies to reproduce.
“The truth is, a kernel of wheat must be planted in the soil. Unless it dies it will be alone–a single seed. But its death will produce many new kernels–a plentiful harvest of new lives.” John 12:24

“What a foolish question! When you put a seed into the ground, it doesn’t grow into a plant unless it dies first.” 1 Corinthians 15:36

The sermon included interaction with the congregation. We had the opportunity to go forward and get a wheat seed which symbolized what we needed to die to and we would put it in a tray of dirt. On Easter Sunday, those same trays were on the altar with green grass 5-6” tall! I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me go back; when I heard the sermons about the seeds; I of course thought I knew what I needed to die to. I was ready to stick my seed in the dirt that first night, but as I listened, Pastor Dave said something about taking it home and looking at it for a week and sitting with God with your seed and for some reason, that’s what I did. I put the seed in my Bible mesh pocket and looked at it every day for a week. I prayed about it, I asked my small group to pray for me to know what my seed was…but all along, I thought I knew.

The next weekend came and I was serving at church all three services, I forgot my Bible at home on Saturday so I couldn’t bury my seed. By this time, I had come up with a different thing my seed would symbolize for me…my attitude. I thought this had to be it, although I didn’t feel as though I had received that word from God, but I still thought it was right. Well, God surprised me again. I gave my mom a ride home from church and we were talking about people we knew and after I dropped her off at her house, it was real clear. I was only alone in the car for a second, I hadn’t even pulled away from the curb yet and I heard God say to me “that’s what I mean….out of the same mouth come blessings and curses and that ought not be so” James 3:10 (This is what we had been studying all week in my Believing God Bible Study…what verification!). I just broke and said out loud “I am a man of unclean lips and I live in a world of people of unclean lips” Isaiah 6:5 The next day between services, I brought my seed up and planted it, I took the holy water and sprinkled it on the dirt over my seed and I knew beyond a doubt I need to die to my mouth.

So, I am dying daily. It’s not been easy, but God is doing His part. I pray daily for Him to “set a watch over my lips” Psalm 141:3 and He’s being faithful. There are times He intercepts my thoughts before they become words and I cooperate, most of the time…. Of course, other times, those words just fly right out, and I immediately pray a prayer of repentance and acknowledge I can’t do this without God, but I am going to live!!!

I’m a Pharisee

My husband and I attended a concert last weekend; it was Chris Tomlin and Matt Redmond. We had good seats, Row G right in the front, just a little off to the right. We were 10 minutes late and the usher was seating us, we got to the seats and other people were sitting in them. The usher asked them to move and they showed him their e-ticket. The usher brought us to the lobby. Right away I was thinking that we would get exceptional seats because some of the preferred seats would still be open. We went to the lobby and a clerk was helping us she said there were apparently duplicate tickets issued for the same seats. She told us she had extra tickets available for us and they were good seats. It turned out the seats were in row W in the upper balcony!

I had been biting my tongue the entire time and now I moved over to my husband and said loud enough for the others to hear “too bad we were 10 minutes late or we would have been in the seats first and they would have to be bumped instead of us”. Another person who worked there looked our name up on the computer and said the row G seats were our seats and the people that were in them had to move. I was relieved. My husband however felt bad for the people that would have to move into bad seats. I didn’t feel bad for them. He thought: “people that would come to a concert like this wouldn’t deliberately take the wrong seats…” The usher went to tell them to move and came back with their paperwork on the e-ticket that they had been issued. The person helping us looked their name up on the computer and found out they were in the wrong seats; they were supposed to be in row E — center section, isle seats. The usher and the clerk both said, well those seats are open and if you want them, you can sit there. We said fine and sat there. It turned out they were better seats and the other people didn’t have to be moved.

I felt so bad because of the way I behaved, my attitude and the statements that I made to my husband making those statements deliberately so the people working there would hear me. That was not Christ-like. I sat in my new seat and just put my head in my hands and cried because how can I love God whom I can’t see when I can’t love the people I can see? How can God use me when I can’t even act right? And I want so much to please God, I want Him to look at me and be proud of my behavior, to be proud of His daughter. I want to be used by God, I want so much to be holy, obedient and loving. Yet, in my day to day thoughts, words, attitudes and actions, I don’t display those characteristics.

Since then, I have been praying for Jesus show me when I’m being critical, judgmental and unloving. I find myself constantly commenting out loud and to myself in my car different slamming remarks about other drivers. If I have the chance, I give them “the look” so perhaps they will feel bad about their behavior, and figure out what they did wrong. I’m such a Pharisee! God help me. I feel almost defeated, like there is just no hope for me, but as soon as I think that thought, I know it’s wrong. It’s from Satan and not true. Instead I thank Jesus for showing me my behavior and acknowledge it is wrong and tell Jesus if He doesn’t help me there is going to be no improvement whatsoever. I find I am critical, angry and judgmental about people I encounter at work, finding fault, nitpicking and analyzing others. Like I’m perfect! Help me Jesus, I can’t do this!!! I will not, cannot change without You! Even though I desperately desire to change, I can’t do this on my own, I will only get worse, I need Jesus, I thank Him each and every time I recognize fault within myself.

No Place to Move

There are times in my life that are like chapters in a book. My life is a book and the different seasons are the chapters. The one I just came out of seems to be one that was titled “no place to move”. I have learned very many things. God seemed to be taking
a jackhammer to my life. He jack hammered everything except one spot to stand, and that spot was “the rock”. That was Jesus Christ, my Lord.

I thought I was doing well, that I was OK. But, in reality, I had drifted so far from where I wanted to be, from where I used to be, from where I should be. I was so close to Jesus and somehow I got so far away from Him. I don’t even know how it happened. Oh, yes I do. But, this is in hindsight. I guess I knew how it happened at the time too, but it was happening so slowly, I thought I could handle it and not let it affect me. I thought I would still stay close to Jesus even though I was doing and allowing things into my life He wouldn’t approve of. I was being deceived. I fell for the lies.

I don’t know where to start with my story, I guess it was when I got a divorce and turned to a friend, a guy in jail. I met him doing prison ministry and he was transformed by Jesus. When he got out, he had no place to go and couldn’t go back to his old life and that was all he knew, so I allowed him to move in with me. This went on for years. I was still in the Word, but not as close as I wanted to be to Jesus.

I had worked at my job since 1977; I had plans for retiring there. I worked for a place that was “30 years and out”, I could retire in 2006 at the age of 46. As I went through the years, I formulated a plan. It included having my house and car paid off several years before retirement and then I would get involved in some kind of ministry.

Well I learned “man plans his way, but God directs his path”. I had all these plans and God just jack hammered around and everything in my life that I was counting on and standing on, crumbled. I lost my job, had to refinance my house and put the car payment on the mortgage, now I was up to 15 years again. My boyfriend had slipped badly, he was drinking a lot and I couldn’t even talk to him anymore. He started out trying to help his sister get free from her habits and got into the same habits himself. Soon, he was doing crack and/or methamphetamine along with drinking. He wouldn’t come home for days and when he did, he would crash out on the couch for days, usually sick and always sleeping it off. He’d get some strength up, go to work and not come home for days again. God had jack hammered out my job, my money, my security, my boyfriend. All I had was Him. Oh, poor baby, all I had was God!

I was isolated. My Mom was the only human person I had in my life. She didn’t want the rest of my family to know I had been fired, so she didn’t tell them and I didn’t either. I didn’t want Mom to be exposed as a liar. What a place to be. The shame I carried was the most unbearable part of this time in my life.

I prayed and asked God to show me how I should spend my time with Him. I knew I needed to lean into Him heavily. It seemed as though He led me to this verse: “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be given unto you”. Matt 7:33. So, I spent my days studying righteousness and God’s Kingdom.

For the next year, I was out of a job and fighting for my old job back. I was given unemployment and then it was taken away and I was told I would have to pay back the benefits that I had received so far. It seemed as though things were getting worse instead of better. But, I kept pressing into God and believing that He was all I needed. I continually told God how good He was to me and that if He didn’t do it; it wouldn’t get done. I was in His plan and His will – I had given up mine. I practiced the presence of God in all I did to the best of my ability.

God gave me many other verses and I loved my time in the word. For some time, I memorized one verse a week. I found these verses helped me when I couldn’t sleep. I would wake up at 3:30 every morning and was unable to get back to sleep as I was worried, when I started reciting the verses – I would get back to sleep instantly. There were so many things that I learned during this time of my life. It was the biggest trial and yet it was the time that I learned and changed the most. Thinking back on it now, I see so much that I experienced and learned. I am so much better today because of this time in my life. There was so much, I can’t even contain it all in a single writing.

I learned how to manage and minimize my worrying and anxiety, get closer to my family, trust God in everything – even the things that in the natural seem impossible. I learned humility and to look to God for my purpose and worth in life.

God has blessed me beyond all I could think, ask or imagine since then –I have been transformed by this trial and I am thankful for it.

My prayer is that I can hang on to the things I learned and not have to repeat them like the Israelites going around that mountain again and again. I pray that I continually trust God and have a desperate desire to stay in His word and His presence. To know that I can’t do it – if He doesn’t do it; it won’t get done. He is the author of my life and He will be the finisher of it.

“When I said, my foot is slipping, Your mercy and loving-kindness, O Lord, held me up.
In the multitude of my [anxious] thoughts within me, Your comforts cheer and delight my soul!” Psalm 94:18-19 AMP

In the Blink of An Eye

One of my favorite songs, is “In the Blink of an Eye” by MercyMe. Lately I’ve been thinking about how things happen just that way…in the blink of an eye. Hurricane Katrina is so fresh. I ponder about how drastically the lives of the people in that area have changed. How drastically the United States has changed because of Katrina, we’ve all been impacted. Blink of an eye….Tsunami and September 11th are other “blinks”. There are so many things that happen so very fast and the impact is great, and the recovery is lengthy.

This led me to thinking about how each and every one of us have “blinks” in our lives. The death of a loved one, divorce, job loss, diagnosis of a deadly disease, car crash, or stroke; the list goes on and on. Seems to me “blinks” are usually not something we would choose and they are not what we consider positive events in our lives.

I’ve had my share of blinks, I just recovered from a huge one. I’m on the other side of it now, but I still carry some remnants…shrapnel if you will. It shows up every so often as a shadow of anger, bitterness and unforgiveness that I carry with me.

This blink was caused by me, just as many are. One bad decision, action or behavior can cause something to happen that will take years to recover from. My bad behavior led to the loss of my job. But God used it for my good and His Glory. He took a jack hammer and removed everything left in my life that I was counting, trusting, and depending on instead of Him: my boyfriend, money, security, and identity. I carried shame and was very isolated. This isolation worked for my good however, I had no one in my life but God, I was isolated with God.

During that time, I made a choice to allow God to work with me. It’s hard to climb up on the operating table and allow things to get cut out. But, I am so glad I did. I got closer to God and began to know Him in a new and fresh way, He is my provider, He knows my name, He created me before the world was formed and He knows me, He loves me and I am His. God is a God of restoration and He has restored my job, my retirement, He gave me a husband and a home. I praise Him for all of His gifts and blessings to me.

This world is temporary and I want to live an intentional life, choosing the right choices, consistently walking with my Lord. God has promised us in the Bible that there will be another blink for us and this one is going to be amazing. It’s when Jesus comes back for the saints and we meet Him in the clouds…in the blink of an eye.

Free

You mended my broken heart,
When it was torn apart.
Because of the work You’ve done in me,
From my bondages I’m now free.

Layer by layer You peel them away,
You show them to me and You say
“My child it’s time to face this one,
The healing process has begun.”

You refine me so tenderly,
From the inside You’re changing me
Free of bitterness, money and it’s chains.
The hold of unforgiveness and the pain

Every obedient step I take in the light,
Matures and blesses me with new insight
Day by day, hour by hour
I see the release of Your power.

These blessings from You that I receive
I put on the altar as a seed