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Feeling Like an Outsider

Christian Writing MinistryI always felt like a black sheep
The feeling’s as old as it is deep
My siblings were chosen, I was not
It was a status I constantly sought

This desire and struggle followed me through life
Creating poor choices and much strife
In certain situations things haven’t changed
That outsider feeling still remains

One day last April, my mom died
The entire family was by her side
She was my best friend and the family’s glue
Now I’m an outsider and an orphan too

So, I turn to Jesus; He’s my only source
I can trust in Him to keep me on course
He’ll walk beside me and show me the way
Step by step and day by day


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There is Hope

I want to share with you that there is hope. When you’re a Child of God – there’s always hope! Paul says in Colossians 1:27 that we have Christ in us, the hope of glory. (Christ is in us and we can hope for glory – we can!)

I gave my life to Jesus when I was a young child in Sunday school and I fell away – badly when I got a little older. I gave my life to Jesus as an adult when I was 34. At that time, I had been using drugs for about 22 years and was in the process of my 3rd divorce.

I started using when I was barely 13; because I wanted to be grown up, wanted to fit in and just wanted to be cool. My oldest sister Christian Writing Ministryintroduced me to cigarettes, drinking and pot – all in one night. I had been sexually abused by different men from the age of 11 or 12 until about 15. When I was 22, right after my first divorce my mom disowned me and I went into a downward spiral for the next 12 years.

I used men, a huge variety of drugs and partied whenever I could. My drug of choice was always pot, but also included cocaine for about 8 years. I did many other drugs in my life, but these two were my favorites. My goal was to be stoned from the time I got up in the morning until I passed out at night. In the morning when I was putting my make up on, I was smoking a joint; I smoked on the way to work, at work and on the way home and all night long. A typical day for me was an average of 8 joints and that was when I was by myself. Weekends and when I smoked with friends, my usage was up. This didn’t stop just because I gave my life to Jesus. I continued smoking pot and drinking for about a year and a half after I was saved. I did however, quit using men, partying and doing the bar scene.

When I quit using, it appeared as though it was a miracle, a deliverance; it looked like I just suddenly quit cold turkey. From 8 joints one day – to zero the next. But that wasn’t the case; Jesus had been working on me on the inside for the entire year and a half. I knew I wasn’t pleasing Him and I knew He wanted me to quit. I’d pray and tell Jesus that if I’m ever gonna quit, He’d have to do it for me, because I couldn’t do it alone. The thing is, I didn’t want to quit, I enjoyed it. I prayed that He would make me willing to be willing; and then allow Him to come in and do His work. I would always put this tag though on the end of those prayers and say “but please don’t get me busted!” Cause you know how God is and He works that way sometimes when we don’t get the message.

Well, one day, I heard a sermon and I knew it was time. (The sermon was called “Freeze Tag” and it was about the game of Freeze tag that you’ve maybe played when you were young. Whoever is “it” tags the other players and they are instantly frozen and they have to stay that way until one of the other players comes along and tags them – then they are no longer frozen. The sermon related that game to people who get frozen and stuck in certain patterns or behaviors in life. Frozen people in life stay that way until Jesus comes along and touches them and then they’re no longer frozen. That was me, and that was what I needed…I needed a touch from Jesus) I knew God was speaking through my Pastor directly to me in that sermon. But, I didn’t quit that day, or the next day which was Monday. I was gonna to call my Pastor and realized that Monday was his day off and so Tuesday I called him and I told him everything = I just spilled it all out to him and he was so gracious! We prayed together and that was the last day I used drugs.

So, there is hope. Isaiah 59:1 says “Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear” Surely His arm is not too short to save – he can reach you no matter where you are. If you cry out to him, he will hear you (his ear is not dull) and he will reach you – no matter how far you’ve fallen.

I’ll leave you with this: taken from Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit..”

Our God is a God of hope and we can overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

 


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He I Am To Worship

I volunteered for the Passion Regional Conference in Chicago last weekend. I’ve volunteered for Passion Conferences in the past and loved it. I was on the Touch Team again and it’s the team that interacts with the students the most. The Touch Team is usually inside the arena to help students find seats, answer any questions they may have and assist them in any way. We – the volunteers are there to serve the Kingdom by serving the students. We are to be Jesus in the skin to them.

Christian Writing MinistryWell, I think I’m ready for this and I love to serve; it always has brought me joy in the past. The funny thing is this time, it was different – I was different. We started out doing the set up and getting ready for the conference – we arrived at 8 a.m. and the first session was at 7 p.m. I was assigned to help at registration from 2 until 5 in the afternoon. At 5:00 I was on the Touch Team. I was so excited and wanted to have a really good position. I told myself it was because I loved to interact with the students and I loved to serve God. At the meeting of the Touch Team we were told that the position we received for the first night was to be the same position we would hold for the entire conference. Well, my husband got put in a really good place and I ended up being assigned with another volunteer to stand by a barrier and not allow anyone who wasn’t a volunteer to go beyond it. This barrier was out in the concourse. I was so disappointed and angry. I didn’t want to be there, I was whining about everything: my back was going to hurt because I have to keep moving and this position was standing still; it was a stupid place to stand; it didn’t take two of us to guard this barrier; on and on I was complaining to myself. My feelings were taking over. I knew in my head that I was serving God no matter where I was assigned, but my emotions were not matching what I knew to be true. I prayed and thanked God for the opportunity to serve and I knew I was serving regardless of where I was and I praised Him for what He was going to do that weekend in the hearts of all the people attending. Even though I didn’t feel like saying the words, I said the words. I confessed that I was feeling selfish and didn’t want to feel that way but I needed help to get past this.

I wasn’t there too long and one of the leaders asked me to move to the next spot over and help a different volunteer to work the aisle in the arena and decide when to close that section and send everyone to the upper level. I was excited to do that, even though it wasn’t a good position either. I was mad at myself for not being up front of the group and taking one of the first positions that were given away; I was upset not to be where my husband was assigned.

We were told that the following day the 15 registration people would be joining the Touch Team. Well, my plan was to ask to be reassigned to be with my husband Bill now that we had more people and someone else could take my spot. I talked to Bill about it and he thought it was a great idea; he wanted to serve with me. Well, I asked and what happened was they switched Bill and the guy I was serving with the night before. So, the guy I was serving with got the good spot and Bill ended up in the crummy spot with me! I was really upset with myself for not getting myself out of that spot, but now I got Bill in there with me – I ruined it for him! He just takes it all in stride and he seems to be happy anywhere they put him. He’s so great – I can learn so much from him! The people that were on the end portal didn’t show up, one of them was to be on the meal team that morning and would be back after lunch; so they asked me and Bill to split up and he took the end portal and I stayed where I was. Meanwhile, I’m critiquing everything in my head – where are the 15 volunteers from registration? What about the meal team – where are they? (They were supposed to join the Touch Team in the afternoon) We should be doubled up all over the place and it seems like we have the same, if not less than before. The guy that was at the end portal the day before that had joined the meal team came back before the evening session and told us he was a “floater” we saw him just talking and wandering around on the floor and everywhere – it didn’t seem as though he was serving anywhere – just enjoying the conference. Well, seems as though everything was bothering me: I thought I lost $20 and I was flustered and upset, an intercessor that was praying over the seats before the building was open took my sweatshirt that I had saving my seat because she thought it was lost and found – that upset me. I just was miserable and not in the right place in my heart. I prayed and really focused and decided I was in a good spot, I could see just fine and this wasn’t about me.

Well, Louie did a sermon and he said many things that really spoke to me. He talked about people who to go church and complain all the way home about how they didn’t get anything out of the worship, etc. Well, the worship wasn’t for them, it was for God. That’s why we worship – it has nothing to do with what we get or don’t get out of it, we aren’t to be doing it for ourselves. He said as long as we are reacting like that in regards to anything…the worship, the sermon, etc., it shows that the filter or the lens we are viewing the world through is one that is all about ourselves. We need to get rid of that filter – we are not there for us. Why we are there is for God, whether we are attending or serving. Our service is worship to God, is it a sweet aroma in His nostrils? We go and we sing “Here I am to Worship”….when really, no we aren’t there to worship – at least not God we are there to please and feed and make our flesh happy.

 

 


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Defined

Defined

I am in a small group Bible Study doing the book/video series by Beth Moore called Believing God. One of the weekly videos spoke about things we can’t let go of; things from our past which we allow to define us. These are things maybe nobody else thinks or knows about us, but we do, and we continue to speak it into our lives. The enemy continues to bring it to our remembrance and when it comes to mind, we take it in.

The video taught that there are things we will always remember about our pasts and that’s OK. What the video showed is some memories are more than just memories; they are things we continue to define ourselves by. Until we see ourselves as God sees us and we define ourselves as God defines us, we will be stuck. The video showed this as a coat we choose to put on. This coat has a name on the back of it and the name is whatever our memory is. For instance; my coat said “fired” on it. Three years ago I got fired from my job. It was something I couldn’t let go of. Whenever I would think about the situation, I would find myself sucked right back into the same place I was in 3 years ago. I found myself feeling the same feelings, getting all worked up and feeling like a victim. This time in my life carried much shame with it. I was devastated by being fired; my entire life, future, identity and security were in that job. I had only 3 years left until retirement; I had been working there since high school, for 25 years.

It took me over a year of jumping through all the hoops of paperwork, filing grievances, lawyers and a hearing before I was awarded my job back. But, even though I got my job back, I still lost that year of my life. I had gotten unemployment which my employer fought and won the hearing so I had to repay all the money I had received. I had all my eggs in one basket, I’d had my job for more than half my life and it was what was going to make or break my future as far as I was concerned, all my plans hinged on this retirement. Well, God sure shook all that up. I learned real fast that I plan my way, but God directs my paths. I learned to fall on my face and ask God for help.

“A man’s mind plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” Proverbs 16:9

Here I was 3 years later and these thoughts of being fired or of the people involved with firing me would come to mind several times a week and sometimes even several times a day. When the thoughts came I would slip right back into the same place emotionally. I was wearing it like a coat. The study told us we were to reframe whatever memory (old coat) we were defining ourselves by. I was struggling with how to do this.

The next week at the study, Beth used a scripture about Joshua praying for the sun to stand still so he could have more daylight to fight the war he was in (Joshua 10:5-15). She said she was pretty sure some of the men fighting under Joshua were real glad they didn’t stay home that day and miss the miracle God did for them. Beth said there are times she applauds God for what He does in her life. That day, after the video, I applauded God all the way home! My hands were red from my clapping so hard and tears were streaming down my face. The people in the other cars must have thought I lost my mind. I clapped and clapped and clapped and praised and thanked God that I didn’t miss the miracle He performed on the day of my hearing. He got my job and my retirement back. I cheered because He provided for me that year, I clapped and cheered that He came through and He gave me what I needed to return to work for the next 2 years and do the best job I could for this same employer and this same management that had fired me. (When I retired my co-workers told me how amazed they were that I worked so hard and with such loyalty and diligence. There are others who had been fired and got their jobs back and they returned with an attitude of trying to get away with all they can, grumbling and griping to all who will listen.) I cheered God for the work ethic He gave me when I returned, I cheered that I didn’t miss this experience because it gave me a chance to give Him glory!

This broke whatever it was that held me. I am free today. I still have the memory, but I don’t ever get sucked back into it and I don’t put that coat on anymore!


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No Place to Move

Christian Writing MinistryThere are times in my life that are like chapters in a book. My life is a book and the different seasons are the chapters. The one I just came out of seems to be one that was titled “no place to move”. I have learned very many things. God seemed to be taking
a jackhammer to my life. He jack hammered everything except one spot to stand, and that spot was “the rock”. That was Jesus Christ, my Lord.

I thought I was doing well, that I was OK. But, in reality, I had drifted so far from where I wanted to be, from where I used to be, from where I should be. I was so close to Jesus and somehow I got so far away from Him. I don’t even know how it happened. Oh, yes I do. But, this is in hindsight. I guess I knew how it happened at the time too, but it was happening so slowly, I thought I could handle it and not let it affect me. I thought I would still stay close to Jesus even though I was doing and allowing things into my life He wouldn’t approve of. I was being deceived. I fell for the lies.

I don’t know where to start with my story, I guess it was when I got a divorce and turned to a friend, a guy in jail. I met him doing prison ministry and he was transformed by Jesus. When he got out, he had no place to go and couldn’t go back to his old life and that was all he knew, so I allowed him to move in with me. This went on for years. I was still in the Word, but not as close as I wanted to be to Jesus.

I had worked at my job since 1977; I had plans for retiring there. I worked for a place that was “30 years and out”, I could retire in 2006 at the age of 46. As I went through the years, I formulated a plan. It included having my house and car paid off several years before retirement and then I would get involved in some kind of ministry.

Well I learned “man plans his way, but God directs his path”. I had all these plans and God just jack hammered around and everything in my life that I was counting on and standing on, crumbled. I lost my job, had to refinance my house and put the car payment on the mortgage, now I was up to 15 years again. My boyfriend had slipped badly, he was drinking a lot and I couldn’t even talk to him anymore. He started out trying to help his sister get free from her habits and got into the same habits himself. Soon, he was doing crack and/or methamphetamine along with drinking. He wouldn’t come home for days and when he did, he would crash out on the couch for days, usually sick and always sleeping it off. He’d get some strength up, go to work and not come home for days again. God had jack hammered out my job, my money, my security, my boyfriend. All I had was Him. Oh, poor baby, all I had was God!

I was isolated. My Mom was the only human person I had in my life. She didn’t want the rest of my family to know I had been fired, so she didn’t tell them and I didn’t either. I didn’t want Mom to be exposed as a liar. What a place to be. The shame I carried was the most unbearable part of this time in my life.

I prayed and asked God to show me how I should spend my time with Him. I knew I needed to lean into Him heavily. It seemed as though He led me to this verse: “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be given unto you”. Matt 7:33. So, I spent my days studying righteousness and God’s Kingdom.

For the next year, I was out of a job and fighting for my old job back. I was given unemployment and then it was taken away and I was told I would have to pay back the benefits that I had received so far. It seemed as though things were getting worse instead of better. But, I kept pressing into God and believing that He was all I needed. I continually told God how good He was to me and that if He didn’t do it; it wouldn’t get done. I was in His plan and His will – I had given up mine. I practiced the presence of God in all I did to the best of my ability.

God gave me many other verses and I loved my time in the word. For some time, I memorized one verse a week. I found these verses helped me when I couldn’t sleep. I would wake up at 3:30 every morning and was unable to get back to sleep as I was worried, when I started reciting the verses – I would get back to sleep instantly. There were so many things that I learned during this time of my life. It was the biggest trial and yet it was the time that I learned and changed the most. Thinking back on it now, I see so much that I experienced and learned. I am so much better today because of this time in my life. There was so much, I can’t even contain it all in a single writing.

I learned how to manage and minimize my worrying and anxiety, get closer to my family, trust God in everything – even the things that in the natural seem impossible. I learned humility and to look to God for my purpose and worth in life.

God has blessed me beyond all I could think, ask or imagine since then –I have been transformed by this trial and I am thankful for it.

My prayer is that I can hang on to the things I learned and not have to repeat them like the Israelites going around that mountain again and again. I pray that I continually trust God and have a desperate desire to stay in His word and His presence. To know that I can’t do it – if He doesn’t do it; it won’t get done. He is the author of my life and He will be the finisher of it.

“When I said, my foot is slipping, Your mercy and loving-kindness, O Lord, held me up.
In the multitude of my [anxious] thoughts within me, Your comforts cheer and delight my soul!” Psalm 94:18-19 AMP

 


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Free

Spiritual WritingYou mended my broken heart,
When it was torn apart.
Because of the work You’ve done in me,
From my bondages I’m now free.

Layer by layer You peel them away,
You show them to me and You say
“My child it’s time to face this one,
The healing process has begun.”

You refine me so tenderly,
From the inside You’re changing me
Free of bitterness, money and it’s chains.
The hold of unforgiveness and the pain

Every obedient step I take in the light,
Matures and blesses me with new insight
Day by day, hour by hour
I see the release of Your power.

These blessings from You that I receive
I put on the altar as a seed


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Growing Pains

Growing painsChristian Writing Ministry
they are so hard,
But such a necessary part
of life

In one year
Seems ten I’ve grown
I sometimes feel
so all alone
in strife.

But in my loneliest
times
Is when I always
find
The face of Christ

The arms of Jesus
reach for me
Everyday, but I best see
in darkness


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The Pit

You were there when I was numbChristian Writing Ministry
When I was lost.
When I didn’t know where to find…..
me.

I didn’t know where to look.
Going through the motions
seemed so hard.
My struggles just brought
me deeper in the pit.

But, no pit is deeper
than the arm of God.
And You were there.
You met me in my pit,
and sat with me awhile.
And we cried together.
We mourned my losses:
-of hope
-of the future
that “my mind” had planned,
and realized that You directed my path.

Your plans are better than mine,
Your thoughts are higher than mine.
And I put my hand in Yours,
and You are bringing me out of that pit.
And I know there is glorious sunshine at the end.

However long it takes
However many rocks are in my path,
we will go hand in hand
and I will trust You
and follow You completely.
For You know me
and even though You know,
You love me!


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Feeling Like an Outsider

I always felt like a black sheep The feeling’s as old as it is deep My siblings were...
article post

There is Hope

I want to share with you that there is hope. When you’re a Child of God – there’s always...
article post

He I Am To Worship

I volunteered for the Passion Regional Conference in Chicago last weekend. I’ve...
article post

Defined

I am in a small group Bible Study doing the book/video series by Beth Moore called...
article post

No Place to Move

There are times in my life that are like chapters in a book. My life is a book and the...
article post

Free

You mended my broken heart, When it was torn apart. Because of the work You’ve done in...
article post

Growing Pains

Growing pains they are so hard, But such a necessary part of life In one year Seems ten...
article post

The Pit

You were there when I was numb When I was lost. When I didn’t know where to...
article post