Filled With His Light

As a young child feeling alone
I believed a lie and made it my own
It’s true; the things you believe
End up becoming your reality

Believing you’re not chosen; which makes you less
Leads to having a life that’s a mess
You’re going to find what you’re looking for
You’ll find what you believe and nothing more

To change your beliefs; change your mind
Start thinking thoughts that are kind
Give yourself and others some grace
For mistakes in your life; leave some space

Accept and believe the very best
Dismiss the lies and all the rest
You’re chosen, wanted and precious in His sight
Delighted in, loved and filled with His light.

Listening and Processing

God’s been at work in me lately. He’s been showing me things that have long been buried. This summer I found myself very angry 2-3 times in 3 weeks. My husband remarked that he has never seen me that mad before and what’s going on?  Well, like most of my Christian walk; God and I had a talk in my car and He showed me the anger wasn’t coming from the situation or the people I thought I was angry with. It was coming from all those years of abuse and mistreatment. Well, this was something I wasn’t prepared for.

I sat with it for a couple of days and at a meeting (of all places) a friend of mine was telling the group about his struggle with self-pity all of his life due to mistreatment and abandonment as a young boy. He carried this all his life and God showed him through various people and situations that it was time to lay it down; to give it to Jesus. During his sharing he said “I don’t know, maybe this is for one of you” and I felt my spirit leap; it was for me. I needed to share what was going on with me. So, I spoke up and shared with the group my anger issues and what I thought God was showing me to be the cause. They came around me and prayed for me. Before they prayed I was asked “do you trust me? Do you trust us? Do you believe Jesus wants to take this from you?” and  my answer to all those questions was “Yes”. They prayed for me and that night in bed I couldn’t sleep, I felt free and light and needed to process it.

The next day I took a yoga class, I always invite Jesus into my class at the beginning and thank Him for the ability to be there and do to the poses, etc. 10 minutes before the class was over I started feeling extremely sad, I found myself crying and realized I was grieving my little girl; my little abused girl who didn’t have a voice and didn’t comprehend what was happening and why. She was naïve and innocent to the point that she thought what was happening was normal and happened to all girls; even though it felt really scary and bad. I was grieving that girl as though she wasn’t me but yet the entire time, I knew it was me. But, I’m not that girl anymore so I felt detached from her and I was just really, really sad about what happened to her and I wish it wouldn’t of been. I journaled about this later and thought more tears and grief would come but it didn’t.

The other thing I’ve noticed God showing me is regarding babies. It started with my niece’s water breaking. I was volunteering at a Tapestry event this summer (Tapestry is a organization that helps/serves single girls who are pregnant and can’t afford medical treatment). I was serving there, a place to celebrate and encourage life. During a break I looked at my phone and found out my friend’s wife with cancer was told they couldn’t help her anymore, they were just going to “keep her comfortable”.  The next thing I saw was my niece in California who was close to her due date; her water had broken. I’m at this event celebrating life and my friend is at his wife’s death bed and my niece is ready to create life. I was confused and overwhelmed. Many different emotions at the same time. I broke down and cried, I cried for my friend’s wife and I cried because my niece has always been the one I related to most in my family; she was the only other woman who didn’t have children and now she was ready to give birth. When I saw the first picture of her baby – just “fresh out of the oven” I broke down. I had this strong longing for my mom to be here, to see her new baby. Mom was really close to my niece and would love this moment! I was sad because she wasn’t alive for it; even though I know she knows and sees from heaven I still was sad because she wasn’t here. She would love this! I wanted to share it with her and I know my niece did too. I was sad because if my niece could be a mom; I could’ve been one too. If she could do it, I could’ve done it. I messed up; I missed out. I was so sad, I grieved my aborted baby; I beat myself up for having my tubes tied to prevent another “unwanted pregnancy”.  I was so wrong on so many levels.

Shortly after, a girl I used to work with who I wasn’t really close to had a baby girl. They found out during the pregnancy the baby had some kind of left heart syndrome. Basically it meant the left side of her heart didn’t work, it wasn’t completely formed. I don’t understand all the medical stuff that goes with it, but they were told their baby would need multiple surgeries during her infancy. At the time I remember thinking “are you going to go through with this? Are you going to have this baby?” I thought they should be contemplating an abortion, ya know to save the baby from such a rough life. Well, they went through with the pregnancy and went to Boston for delivery because they are specialists in this syndrome. This little, tiny, innocent, beautiful baby girl was born. The first moment I saw her I regretted ever thinking about aborting her! How could I have even had such a thought! I was ashamed of myself! I had an abortion at 24 and at the time I thought it was the best thing I could do and maybe it was but I’ll never know. My baby didn’t have any medical issues to prevent her from having a healthy, normal life and I aborted her because she was an inconvenience to me! I’m devastated and I feel incredibly horrible for doing such a thing but I did it because I didn’t know any better. I was on drugs and living with someone who hated children, I wasn’t ready.

So, here’s this little infant born with left heart syndrome speaking from God to me with her story. She has already brought God so much glory just by being who she is. She is a fighter and she is doing much better than the doctors expected. She has so many people across the nation praying for her, having fund raisers for her and God is using her to speak to so many people, her parents, me and who knows who else. Every time I read of her progress or her condition on Facebook I cry. I grieve for my aborted baby, my heart aches for this little girl, I want so much for her to be done with her surgeries and be able to go home with her parents. My heart aches for her mom and dad and all they have to deal with. She’s a month old today and they have barely been able to hold her – she’s had surgery and has been hooked up to lines and tubes most of her life. Just lately they’ve been able to hold her a little and she’s been able to wear “regular” clothes. They as a family have a very long, rough road ahead of them but they’re trusting and praising God every step of the way. I’m so sorry for my lack of understanding when I had an abortion. I’m sorry and I grieve for my unborn child. I know God knows best and He knew what He was doing when He trusted me with my little unborn baby. I’m so sorry I didn’t follow through and see her as the blessing she was. I’m sorry I didn’t give children another chance in my life.  Although I know if I had them and didn’t change they would have had a messed up, horrible life.

Your Story

Everyone has their own life story
And everyone’s past can bring God glory
God can redeem brokenness and make you whole
Allow Him to refresh and renew your soul

The details of your story are like ingredients in a cake
When sifted together and allowed to bake
A delicious dessert suddenly appears
Created from your blood, your sweat and your tears

Each cake is different, no two are the same
Life’s heartaches and joys are what they contain
They’re different in appearance and in taste
But no ingredient has gone to waste

Celebrate the cake you’re created to be
Discard your judgements; let yourself be free

Chosen and Honored

I attended a retreat called Sacred Rhythms and we did an exercise of Lectio Divina which went like this: the leader read through Isaiah 43:1-4:

But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
    he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
² When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.
³ For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
⁴ Because you are precious in my eyes,
    and honored, and I love you,

Our instructions were to listen and notice what word or phrase stood out to us (from our guts, not from our heads), maybe something sounded louder to us than the other words; if so, that would be our word. The leader would read it through a second time and we listened for what part of our lives this fit into. The third reading we listened for the invitation that God has for us around this passage/word/phrase and respond to Him. The fourth reading was to release and return to a place of waiting and resting in God’s presence.

I was so nervous going into this exercise because we were to share our words with a small group of 4 people and I was worried I wouldn’t receive a word, or know what it meant.

As I listened the first time through I listened so close to each and every word so I wouldn’t miss mine….I thought it was “I have called you by name” but then as I kept listening the word “honor” sounded much louder to me; so that was my word.  My group turned out to be just my husband, Bill and I so I don’t know why I still carried my nervousness with me into this exercise but I did. I told Bill that I had two words and what they were and then listened to the second reading. Where did this fit in my life?  I didn’t know but in a flash “my story” came into my head. I’ve been working with God for 7 months now about being excited about and owning my story so that’s where it fit.  I listened to the third reading and got nothing….I tried to figure it out in my head. What was God’s invitation to me around “I have called you by name” and “honor” and what did that have to do with my story? I just went with my best guess — that my story had a place of honor with God or something like that.  The fourth reading we were to release it and go back to a place of waiting and rest with God.  I couldn’t get back to that place, I felt I failed the exercise (Bill got such an awesome message – one he couldn’t have made up, it had to be God) and I was discouraged and disappointed that I missed hearing from God.

On the way home I was still thinking and praying about it and it wasn’t until the next day that things started to fall into place. As I got quiet and sat with God and meditated on the phrases I realized that being called by name was an honor. It meant that I was known, seen and chosen by God and that’s a beautiful thing!

I was still holding all of this on Saturday night; and God showed me again that I had indeed heard correctly from Him. We had a praise and worship service at church and one of the songs a girl from the worship team sang over us had these lyrics:

I knew what I was getting into when I called you                                                                                                                                                           I knew what I was getting into when I said your name, but I said it just the same.                                                                                               I knew what I was getting into and I still want you,                                                                                                                                                     I knew what I was getting into.

I knew what I was getting into and I still chose you,                                                                                                                                                     I knew what I was getting into and I still want you                                                                                                                                                     I knew what I was getting into when I said your name, but I said it just the same                                                                                             I knew what I was getting into.

Wow, this song just wrecked me! Jesus knew what he was getting into when he called me by name but he said it just the same. That fits with the scripture the night before.

The very next song was “I am New” and I was dancing, worshiping and singing my lungs out in the back of the church. Toward the end of the song there’s a list of our new names:

“Forgiven, beloved, hidden with Christ
Made in the image of the one who gives life
Righteous and holy, reborn and remade
Of all things we’re worthy
This is our new name”

One by one the people in the auditorium stood to take a stand and claim their new name; their new identity. It was a very powerful time. We kept singing the chorus over and over and each time we did it was louder and more powerful, it touched me in the deepest parts of my soul. We could’ve sung the list of names about seven more times and I still wouldn’t have gotten enough of it!  Each time we sang it I could feel it building in the room; we owned it more and more each time. We claimed it. Doing this in a corporate setting with a community of believers was an awesome experience.  What a way to top off the retreat!

I am blessed, I am known, I am seen, I am chosen and I am honored!

A Beautiful Mosaic

On my birthday in February my husband wrote this on my card: God was so excited the day he created you because he knew your story from beginning to end and he couldn’t wait to tell it.  This really impacted me and I wrote about God knowing my story (see Circle of Light). However, there’s more for me to process in this statement. I have a hard time with the piece about being excited about my story, in fact so excited that he couldn’t wait to tell it.  To be honest, I wasn’t excited about my story at all and certainly not to the extent that I couldn’t wait to tell it. I was embarrassed about my story, ashamed even.

So, I’ve been wrestling with this and wondering what it would take for me to accept my story, to like my story…maybe, just maybe; dare I say it – be excited about my story. What would it take?  I’ve done a lot of work around my past and I’ve forgiven myself and everyone involved. I’ve received healing and I’ve moved on. But now, I want to embrace my story, love my story, want to tell my story and be excited about it.

I’ve been noticing and processing messages that come my way. Here are a few:

“We give off light in the darkness by our generosity, by trying to help in the world, by simply making it through the hard patches with a little dignity, so that other people can see that it can be done.” Anne Lamott Grace Eventually

“Jesus is saying that every moment we are freely given the opportunity to see through a different pair of glasses.” Anne Lamott Grace Eventually

“Owning your actual life means first that you embrace your story; the whole one with no shameful bald spot or gut wrenching regret left out. What if doing so creates a mosaic, that when put together and healed by God, becomes beautiful, and radiant?” Steve Wiens

“What memories can you look back at that have shaped you? Can you hold them in such a way that you believe they all belong?” From Daring Greatly book (Steve Wiens blog: Diesel Smell).

“We are who we are because of the story we’ve lived and the story we hope to live.”

These messages are a few of the ones that helped me get to a place that I could begin to accept and like my story. I started to see it in a different light. I noticed that my story isn’t really about me; it’s God’s story. He’s the one who created me, works through me and lives in me. My story is about bringing him glory and making him seen. When I tell the bad parts, show my shameful bald spots and gut wrenching regrets and then I tell where I am now; the only thing that can be concluded is that God is awesome!  He is not a God of second chances; he is a God of infinite chances!  He can take garbage, dung as the Bible calls it and put it together in such a way that it becomes beautiful and radiant. I’m beginning to accept and embrace my story and know that it’s really not mine but it’s a gift, given to me by God.

On my Father-in-law’s birthday (Bob) we brought him out for breakfast and both him and my mother-in-law (Bobi) told me that he had found my web site and they had both read my story. Bobi said that she was impressed and blown away, she remarked on how much courage it took for me to put it out there. Bob told me that I deserve a lot of credit and I had really come a long way.

I have come a long way but God really deserves the credit. The only credit I could possibly deserve is that I allowed him to do his work in me and I did my part too.

I haven’t gotten to the point that I’m excited to tell my story but I’m getting there. As I slowly embrace those embarrassing, shameful moments and bad decisions, I begin to accept them and hold them as though they belong. They’re becoming valuable pieces of a beautiful mosaic put together by God.

Crazy Love

I was challenged during a study of the book and workbook by Francis Chan “Crazy Love”. We did two chapters most weeks and one week was on “Lukewarm” and “Leftovers”. These are some of the questions I was presented with:

Am I giving leftover sacrifices to God?

Am I lukewarm or am I totally on fire for Him?

Do I love Him with my entire body, soul and mind?

Am I like the poor woman who gave two coins for an offering but yet she gave more than anyone else because that’s all she had?

Am I like the man who invites only the people to dinner who can invite him back? He doesn’t invite the poor who can do nothing for him.

Am I like this man? Yes, I am. I’m like this man. It convicted me and for a while made me question my salvation, I started thinking I wasn’t good enough, that I had to try harder; I started to get filled thoughts of all the things I “should” be doing. As quickly as these thoughts came into my mind I recognized them for what they were: a lie and I needed to get rid of them quickly. I needed to replace them with the truth: I serve a God of grace and as long as my motivation is right there’s grace for me, I am covered. I don’t have to be perfect, I will never be perfect, I don’t have to perform a certain way I just have to have the right heart. My previous Pastor and friend had a favorite saying “look down at your feet, what direction are they pointing?” As long as they’re pointing forward and I’m moving in the right direction, that’s all that matters. It doesn’t matter that I haven’t arrived or I’m not moving as fast as someone else. What matters is if I’m moving and pointed in the right direction and not parked on the side of the road.

So it just depends on my heart and I need to remember that, it’s not what I “do”. I know that I can do nothing outside of Jesus. He has to give me the strength for everything. I can’t even love Him unless He gives me that love. There’s nothing I can do outside of Him. He has to change me. He has to work through me to accomplish these things. He has to do this in me. I can’t do it; it can’t come from me because if it does it will fail.

My prayers have changed; I pray for increased desire and love for Jesus and the world, increased strength and to walk through life seeing and hearing as He would. I pray that He will give me His thoughts, words, will, emotions and take mine from me. That’s all I need to do; change my prayers, keep my heart and motivation right and my feet pointed in the right direction.

Freedom from Insecurity

I just finished a 10 week study on the Beth Moore book “So Long Insecurity, you’ve been a bad friend to us” And this is my recap and some of the things I’ve learned. 

Insecurity has dominated my life in ways I never saw. Looking back I now can see where every bad decision and action that I’ve done has been a result of insecurity.  Insecurity was my avenue into bad relationships, addictions and other similar bad choices. 

One of the side effects or “cover” for insecurity in my life is perfectionism. I don’t take correction well, it makes me feel stupid and shame comes with it and reinforces the messages I give myself. I feel I have to be a fit, attractive, competent person. I have to do all things right. If I can’t do something well, I don’t do it. I don’t play whiffle ball at a picnic because I know I don’t do it well. And doing it well isn’t even good enough, I have to be very good, one of the best or I don’t want to do it in front of others. I don’t want to look stupid or uncoordinated; I don’t want to be laughed at; and even if they don’t laugh audibly, I think they’re laughing silently. Some people think I don’t participate in things because I’m shy or an introvert and they try to change me; they think all I need is to loosen up a little to get around people and interact. That’s not it. That’s not even close, it’s insecurity; plain and simple. 

Insecurity is caused by a variety of reasons:

• Instability in the home. Instability comes from many sources:  layoffs, financial issues, parents that divorced; abuse of any kind (even if it’s not “in” the home), an alcoholic parent, mental or physical illness of a parent, etc. The root of insecurity caused by instability is often the fear that no one will take care of you. You feel as though you’re on your own.
• A significant loss. This could be the loss of anything you genuinely prize or get stability and self-worth from.  A home, a peer group, a relationship, best friend, loss of innocence (as in abuse) or losing a loved one due to death, etc.
• Rejection. One of the few forces that can usher females into a season of insecurity with swiftness is rejection. Nothing shouts a more convincing lie about our personal value than rejection. Many times rejection might cause a man to have a string of superficial relationships where he never gives his heart away, and it might cause a woman to give her heart away before she even has a relationship – that’s what I did.
• Our Culture: the way media portraits the “beautiful” women and none of us can ever measure up to that.
• Pride: many times we feel insecure because of our pride. We’re not the most gifted people in the world, we’re not the first choice – every time; we’re not someone’s favorite, we don’t feel special, we can’t do everything ourselves and on and on it goes.  

I have several of these that helped create my insecurity. And the bottom line is that we can try and try to change ourselves with positive thinking, trying really hard to change our actions, stuff our feelings or pretend that we’re feeling secure (fake it till you make it). But in reality the only one that can free us from the bondage of insecurity is Jesus.  He came so that we might have life and have it abundantly (John 10:10) and He came to set the captives free (Isaiah 61)! I have a history with Jesus of being set free. He set me free from my addictions and I know He can do it again and set me free from insecurity.  He wants the best for me and He wants me to live like He created me; I’m made in His image and He is not the least bit insecure! 

So, where do I go from here? I have learned so much and become aware. I know that’s the first step is to notice when I’m “acting out” and then I turn to Jesus for help because really, without Him I can’t do this.  Prayer will be a big part of my stepping out of this insecurity hole I’ve lived in. The Bible says the truth will set you free and these are the truths I believe will play a part in my freedom:  I trust you Jesus; I know I’m made in Your image and I’m Your masterpiece, You have crowned me with glory and honor (Hebrews 2:7), I am clothed with strength and dignity (Proverbs 31:25), I have a treasure on the inside of me (2 Corinthians 4:7). My security is mine to keep. God gave it to me. No one gets to take it from me. 

“(She) will have no fear of bad news; (her) heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. (Her) heart is secure, (she) will have no fear, in the end (she) will look in triumph on (her) foes.” Psalm 112:7-8

One Journey Leads to Another

This fall I joined a Women’s group to do a Beth Moore study titled “James, Mercy Triumphs”.  During this study, I was confronted by James every week.  It started with perseverance and endurance and to count our struggles as joy. “Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way” James 1:2-4 MSG

I don’t know about you but I’m a person who’s always looking for short cuts; I’m efficient and organized and I want to live that way. I look for the shortest lines in the grocery store and the traffic lanes that will get me moving the fastest. I am not one to want to be “in” anything; especially if it’s uncomfortable or painful; which it usually is if it’s changing me. James confronted me with the reminder of needing to go “through” things with God and allow Him to refine and perfect me in the process. I want to do anything but go through things; I want to go over them, under, around….anything just to get to the other side and move on.

I meet with a lady once a month and we talk about where I’m seeing God in my life. She recommended a book to me: “So long insecurity” by Beth Moore.  Well, I didn’t really think I had much insecurity but I trust her so I started reading it. Wow! I’m finding the things James confronted me with are my insecurity issues.  Things like:

• Comparing myself to others
• Being critical and judgmental
• Forgetting who I am and believing the lies of the world and the enemy
• Discriminating and treating people differently
• Slander
• Not loving myself in a healthy, balanced way

And that’s just the beginning – I just started this book.

Like Beth I have abuse in my past. I made poor relationship choices; I just kept choosing the same man only with a different face, if that makes any sense. There was a season in my life that my mom disowned me. According to the book; these are the types of things that can cause insecurity.

At the end of the James study I thought I was closing the book on it but it turns out that God didn’t just bring me on a journey through James, he brought me to a deeper journey of working on my insecurity issues with Him. I guess that means I’ll have to be “in” it with Him and go through it; no short-cuts. I need to hang in there; persevere, endure and allow Him to do His work.

In the study of James, Beth said a couple of things that I need to hang onto as I walk out my journey of insecurity:

• I am who God says I am and not the numbing sum of Satan’s accusations
• I am loved and not despised, held and not forsaken, cherished and not ejected, enjoyed and not just endured.

If you haven’t read the book “So Long Insecurity” by Beth Moore, do it!