Feeling Like an Outsider

I always felt like a black sheep
The feeling’s as old as it is deep
My siblings were chosen, I was not
It was a status I constantly sought

This desire and struggle followed me through life
Creating poor choices and much strife
In certain situations things haven’t changed
That outsider feeling still remains

One day last April, my mom died
The entire family was by her side
She was my best friend and the family’s glue
Now I’m an outsider and an orphan too

So, I turn to Jesus; He’s my only source
I can trust in Him to keep me on course
He’ll walk beside me and show me the way
Step by step and day by day

There is Hope

I want to share with you that there is hope. When you’re a Child of God – there’s always hope! Paul says in Colossians 1:27 that we have Christ in us, the hope of glory. (Christ is in us and we can hope for glory – we can!)

I gave my life to Jesus when I was a young child in Sunday school and I fell away – badly when I got a little older. I gave my life to Jesus as an adult when I was 34. At that time, I had been using drugs for about 22 years and was in the process of my 3rd divorce.

I started using when I was barely 13; because I wanted to be grown up, wanted to fit in and just wanted to be cool. My oldest sister introduced me to cigarettes, drinking and pot – all in one night. I had been sexually abused by different men from the age of 11 or 12 until about 15. When I was 22, right after my first divorce my mom disowned me and I went into a downward spiral for the next 12 years.

I used men, a huge variety of drugs and partied whenever I could. My drug of choice was always pot, but also included cocaine for about 8 years. I did many other drugs in my life, but these two were my favorites. My goal was to be stoned from the time I got up in the morning until I passed out at night. In the morning when I was putting my make up on, I was smoking a joint; I smoked on the way to work, at work and on the way home and all night long. A typical day for me was an average of 8 joints and that was when I was by myself. Weekends and when I smoked with friends, my usage was up. This didn’t stop just because I gave my life to Jesus. I continued smoking pot and drinking for about a year and a half after I was saved. I did however, quit using men, partying and doing the bar scene.

When I quit using, it appeared as though it was a miracle, a deliverance; it looked like I just suddenly quit cold turkey. From 8 joints one day – to zero the next. But that wasn’t the case; Jesus had been working on me on the inside for the entire year and a half. I knew I wasn’t pleasing Him and I knew He wanted me to quit. I’d pray and tell Jesus that if I’m ever gonna quit, He’d have to do it for me, because I couldn’t do it alone. The thing is, I didn’t want to quit, I enjoyed it. I prayed that He would make me willing to be willing; and then allow Him to come in and do His work. I would always put this tag though on the end of those prayers and say “but please don’t get me busted!” Cause you know how God is and He works that way sometimes when we don’t get the message.

Well, one day, I heard a sermon and I knew it was time. (The sermon was called “Freeze Tag” and it was about the game of Freeze tag that you’ve maybe played when you were young. Whoever is “it” tags the other players and they are instantly frozen and they have to stay that way until one of the other players comes along and tags them – then they are no longer frozen. The sermon related that game to people who get frozen and stuck in certain patterns or behaviors in life. Frozen people in life stay that way until Jesus comes along and touches them and then they’re no longer frozen. That was me, and that was what I needed…I needed a touch from Jesus) I knew God was speaking through my Pastor directly to me in that sermon. But, I didn’t quit that day, or the next day which was Monday. I was gonna to call my Pastor and realized that Monday was his day off and so Tuesday I called him and I told him everything = I just spilled it all out to him and he was so gracious! We prayed together and that was the last day I used drugs.

So, there is hope. Isaiah 59:1 says “Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear” Surely His arm is not too short to save – he can reach you no matter where you are. If you cry out to him, he will hear you (his ear is not dull) and he will reach you – no matter how far you’ve fallen.

I’ll leave you with this: taken from Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit..”

Our God is a God of hope and we can overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Seeking to Devour

The evil one roams about looking for someone whom he can devour (1 Peter 5:8). This is his job. He does this day and night. Satan looked and found Job, and petitioned God regarding Job, God asked Satan where he had been and this was his answer (Job 1:7). Satan did it again with Peter, he looked and found Peter and asked God permission to sift Peter like wheat (Luke 22:31). This is Satan’s job. He is looking 24/7/365 for people who call themselves committed to Jesus and he wants to sift them like wheat. He is the accuser of the brethren (Rev. 12:10); he continually accuses believers before God. Satan doesn’t have to try and torment the non-Christians and destroy and devour them, he already has them, he’s only interested in people who love Jesus. He realizes the end is soon and he wants to pull down as many people as he can before it’s too late. So, he looks; and he asks God to sift us; and he sifts us. What does sifting look like? What does it feel like? Why does God say yes when He is asked? Why doesn’t God protect us? I have all these questions and I don’t have any of the answers. I get really confused when I read things like this in the Bible and I wonder…..

I think something really important for us to remember is we wrestle not with flesh and blood but with principalities and powers (Eph 6:12). It’s really easy for us to think that the circumstance or the person is our enemy when in fact it is Satan just searching and trying to trip us up because we are God’s beloved. I think Satan knew Peter was the rock that God was going to build the Church on, (Matt 16.18) and Satan wanted Peter. If Satan isn’t bothering you, perhaps you’re not a threat to him; perhaps you’re not one who will make a difference in the Kingdom. I don’t want Satan after me, yet I know if he isn’t, then I am not doing much with my life to influence others. I want to grow, change and make a difference in the Kingdom. I want to fulfill the purpose God has had for me since the beginning of time. I want, I want, I want. Yet, am I preparing myself? Am I allowing God to use this time I have to teach me, to show me, to grow me, for me to know Him, be close and walk, I mean really walk in the presence of God every moment of every day. I say that’s what I want, but is it what I’ve devoted my life, my time, my treasure, my talent, my temple to?

Satan walks the earth seeking whom he may devour, yet “the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth to show Himself strong in behalf of those whose hearts are blameless toward Him.” II Chronicles 16:8a. I want God to find me when He looks, to see me as having a blameless heart toward Him, He will show Himself strong on my behalf! God knows my name! God promises He will go before me and level the mountains (to make the crooked places straight); and He will break in pieces the doors of bronze and cut asunder the bars of iron, He will give me treasurers of darkness and hidden riches of secret places that I may know it is Him, the God of Israel Who calls me by my name! (Isaiah 45:2-3)

Here is what I need to know beyond a doubt. I need to know how to hear from God. He is my Shepherd (Psalms 23:1) and I am His sheep, I know His voice (John 10:4). But, I don’t always listen.

I found this in Isaiah today and it really spoke to me. “Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer, you shall cry, and He will say Here I am. If you take away from your midst yokes of oppression (wherever you find them), the finger pointed in scorn (judgment) and every form of false, harsh, unjust and wicked speaking.” Isaiah 58:9 This tells me the Lord will hear me and answer me IF I stop pointing the finger at others in judgment (this is something I am still really bad at doing), being critical, judgmental, etc. He will hear me and I will hear Him if I just stop doing this! Further down, verse 11: “And the Lord shall guide you continually and satisfy you in drought and in dry places and make strong your bones. And you shall be like a watered garden and like a spring of water whose waters fail not. (vs. 12) And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt.” My ancient ruins are my past and believe me, there are ruins that could really use some rebuilding! He will make strong my bones! He will water me! He will guide me CONTINUALLY! And satisfy me in drought and dry places!!! What more could I ever want! The King of Kings, the creator and sustainer of the universe and the galaxies will guide me continually! All I have to do is stop being so judgmental, gossiping and pointing fingers, quit going my own way and seeking my own stuff and if I do this, I will delight myself in the Lord and He will take care me, He will feed me and give me the promise

Vs 13b-14 “not going your own way or seeking or finding your own pleasure or speaking with your own (idle) words. (GOSSIP), Then will you delight yourself in the Lord, and I will make you ride on the high places of the earth, and I will feed you with the heritage promised for you of Jacob your father; for the mouth of the Lord has spoken it.”

Defined

I am in a small group Bible Study doing the book/video series by Beth Moore called Believing God. One of the weekly videos spoke about things we can’t let go of; things from our past which we allow to define us. These are things maybe nobody else thinks or knows about us, but we do, and we continue to speak it into our lives. The enemy continues to bring it to our remembrance and when it comes to mind, we take it in.

The video taught that there are things we will always remember about our pasts and that’s OK. What the video showed is some memories are more than just memories; they are things we continue to define ourselves by. Until we see ourselves as God sees us and we define ourselves as God defines us, we will be stuck. The video showed this as a coat we choose to put on. This coat has a name on the back of it and the name is whatever our memory is. For instance; my coat said “fired” on it. Three years ago I got fired from my job. It was something I couldn’t let go of. Whenever I would think about the situation, I would find myself sucked right back into the same place I was in 3 years ago. I found myself feeling the same feelings, getting all worked up and feeling like a victim. This time in my life carried much shame with it. I was devastated by being fired; my entire life, future, identity and security were in that job. I had only 3 years left until retirement; I had been working there since high school, for 25 years.

It took me over a year of jumping through all the hoops of paperwork, filing grievances, lawyers and a hearing before I was awarded my job back. But, even though I got my job back, I still lost that year of my life. I had gotten unemployment which my employer fought and won the hearing so I had to repay all the money I had received. I had all my eggs in one basket, I’d had my job for more than half my life and it was what was going to make or break my future as far as I was concerned, all my plans hinged on this retirement. Well, God sure shook all that up. I learned real fast that I plan my way, but God directs my paths. I learned to fall on my face and ask God for help.

“A man’s mind plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” Proverbs 16:9

Here I was 3 years later and these thoughts of being fired or of the people involved with firing me would come to mind several times a week and sometimes even several times a day. When the thoughts came I would slip right back into the same place emotionally. I was wearing it like a coat. The study told us we were to reframe whatever memory (old coat) we were defining ourselves by. I was struggling with how to do this.

The next week at the study, Beth used a scripture about Joshua praying for the sun to stand still so he could have more daylight to fight the war he was in (Joshua 10:5-15). She said she was pretty sure some of the men fighting under Joshua were real glad they didn’t stay home that day and miss the miracle God did for them. Beth said there are times she applauds God for what He does in her life. That day, after the video, I applauded God all the way home! My hands were red from my clapping so hard and tears were streaming down my face. The people in the other cars must have thought I lost my mind. I clapped and clapped and clapped and praised and thanked God that I didn’t miss the miracle He performed on the day of my hearing. He got my job and my retirement back. I cheered because He provided for me that year, I clapped and cheered that He came through and He gave me what I needed to return to work for the next 2 years and do the best job I could for this same employer and this same management that had fired me. (When I retired my co-workers told me how amazed they were that I worked so hard and with such loyalty and diligence. There are others who had been fired and got their jobs back and they returned with an attitude of trying to get away with all they can, grumbling and griping to all who will listen.) I cheered God for the work ethic He gave me when I returned, I cheered that I didn’t miss this experience because it gave me a chance to give Him glory!

This broke whatever it was that held me. I am free today. I still have the memory, but I don’t ever get sucked back into it and I don’t put that coat on anymore!

Dying to Live

I retired around Christmas and knew when I did that I needed time to do nothing. I needed to spend time with Jesus, allow Him to heal me of the past and to prepare me for the next season of my life. I had worked for the same place for most of my life, since I was 17 and my everything had ended up being that job. What I mean is it was my security, my identity, my purpose; it was what I had given myself to for more than half my life. I had gotten fired 3 years before and spent a year fighting and going through the process to get my job back. By the grace of God, I did. (That’s another story…) So, now when I was retiring, I was aware of all of this “stuff” that I had invested in my job. I am a person that is very organized and efficient; I am a fixer and love to help. I can multi-task and do massive amounts of work in a short amount of time and do it correctly. So, when I retired, people kept telling me they couldn’t believe it was possible for me to do nothing.

Well, there have been several times I’ve contacted people, offering to volunteer in various positions, and it’s pretty amazing but none of them have been seen through. The places seem to need and want me, but yet it doesn’t happen. I know it is God reminding me to be still and to know Him. In my Believing God Bible study I have learned sometimes faith is stepping out, being active and doing and other times faith is being still, doing nothing. God grows us deeper before He grows us wider. For now, my life and my world is very small; but yet I know God is at work.

For Lent… first I thought I would do the thing I do every year and give up chocolate. Then I thought I would fast on bad words and feast on good words. I prayed and not until Ash Wednesday service did it come to me that Jesus wanted me to give up listening to the radio and talking on the cell phone in the car, which was to be my fast, my feast was to pray in the car. I was having such a hard time doing this….I was running out of things to say. (Imagine that!) I asked the ladies in my small group (Morning Blend) at church to pray for me and on my way home from group I heard in my spirit that praying isn’t all about talking non-stop, it’s listening too!

Here are some of the things I’ve heard while listening…

In Morning Blend I am doing the Believing God Bible study by Beth Moore and one of the studies is for us to create a prayer list for ourselves and people we know then ask God for scripture that relate to those subjects. We are to re-word the scripture into a prayer. Well, one day on the way to church, I was driving and trying to scribble on a napkin the scriptures that I was getting, they were coming so fast! It also turned out that when I had made the list of needs for myself as to where I was in my life and what was going on in my “season” I wasn’t exactly right. God showed me some other scriptures in a different area.

During the Easter season this year we had a sermon series at church about dying to live, based on the seed that dies to reproduce.
“The truth is, a kernel of wheat must be planted in the soil. Unless it dies it will be alone–a single seed. But its death will produce many new kernels–a plentiful harvest of new lives.” John 12:24

“What a foolish question! When you put a seed into the ground, it doesn’t grow into a plant unless it dies first.” 1 Corinthians 15:36

The sermon included interaction with the congregation. We had the opportunity to go forward and get a wheat seed which symbolized what we needed to die to and we would put it in a tray of dirt. On Easter Sunday, those same trays were on the altar with green grass 5-6” tall! I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me go back; when I heard the sermons about the seeds; I of course thought I knew what I needed to die to. I was ready to stick my seed in the dirt that first night, but as I listened, Pastor Dave said something about taking it home and looking at it for a week and sitting with God with your seed and for some reason, that’s what I did. I put the seed in my Bible mesh pocket and looked at it every day for a week. I prayed about it, I asked my small group to pray for me to know what my seed was…but all along, I thought I knew.

The next weekend came and I was serving at church all three services, I forgot my Bible at home on Saturday so I couldn’t bury my seed. By this time, I had come up with a different thing my seed would symbolize for me…my attitude. I thought this had to be it, although I didn’t feel as though I had received that word from God, but I still thought it was right. Well, God surprised me again. I gave my mom a ride home from church and we were talking about people we knew and after I dropped her off at her house, it was real clear. I was only alone in the car for a second, I hadn’t even pulled away from the curb yet and I heard God say to me “that’s what I mean….out of the same mouth come blessings and curses and that ought not be so” James 3:10 (This is what we had been studying all week in my Believing God Bible Study…what verification!). I just broke and said out loud “I am a man of unclean lips and I live in a world of people of unclean lips” Isaiah 6:5 The next day between services, I brought my seed up and planted it, I took the holy water and sprinkled it on the dirt over my seed and I knew beyond a doubt I need to die to my mouth.

So, I am dying daily. It’s not been easy, but God is doing His part. I pray daily for Him to “set a watch over my lips” Psalm 141:3 and He’s being faithful. There are times He intercepts my thoughts before they become words and I cooperate, most of the time…. Of course, other times, those words just fly right out, and I immediately pray a prayer of repentance and acknowledge I can’t do this without God, but I am going to live!!!

No Place to Move

There are times in my life that are like chapters in a book. My life is a book and the different seasons are the chapters. The one I just came out of seems to be one that was titled “no place to move”. I have learned very many things. God seemed to be taking
a jackhammer to my life. He jack hammered everything except one spot to stand, and that spot was “the rock”. That was Jesus Christ, my Lord.

I thought I was doing well, that I was OK. But, in reality, I had drifted so far from where I wanted to be, from where I used to be, from where I should be. I was so close to Jesus and somehow I got so far away from Him. I don’t even know how it happened. Oh, yes I do. But, this is in hindsight. I guess I knew how it happened at the time too, but it was happening so slowly, I thought I could handle it and not let it affect me. I thought I would still stay close to Jesus even though I was doing and allowing things into my life He wouldn’t approve of. I was being deceived. I fell for the lies.

I don’t know where to start with my story, I guess it was when I got a divorce and turned to a friend, a guy in jail. I met him doing prison ministry and he was transformed by Jesus. When he got out, he had no place to go and couldn’t go back to his old life and that was all he knew, so I allowed him to move in with me. This went on for years. I was still in the Word, but not as close as I wanted to be to Jesus.

I had worked at my job since 1977; I had plans for retiring there. I worked for a place that was “30 years and out”, I could retire in 2006 at the age of 46. As I went through the years, I formulated a plan. It included having my house and car paid off several years before retirement and then I would get involved in some kind of ministry.

Well I learned “man plans his way, but God directs his path”. I had all these plans and God just jack hammered around and everything in my life that I was counting on and standing on, crumbled. I lost my job, had to refinance my house and put the car payment on the mortgage, now I was up to 15 years again. My boyfriend had slipped badly, he was drinking a lot and I couldn’t even talk to him anymore. He started out trying to help his sister get free from her habits and got into the same habits himself. Soon, he was doing crack and/or methamphetamine along with drinking. He wouldn’t come home for days and when he did, he would crash out on the couch for days, usually sick and always sleeping it off. He’d get some strength up, go to work and not come home for days again. God had jack hammered out my job, my money, my security, my boyfriend. All I had was Him. Oh, poor baby, all I had was God!

I was isolated. My Mom was the only human person I had in my life. She didn’t want the rest of my family to know I had been fired, so she didn’t tell them and I didn’t either. I didn’t want Mom to be exposed as a liar. What a place to be. The shame I carried was the most unbearable part of this time in my life.

I prayed and asked God to show me how I should spend my time with Him. I knew I needed to lean into Him heavily. It seemed as though He led me to this verse: “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be given unto you”. Matt 7:33. So, I spent my days studying righteousness and God’s Kingdom.

For the next year, I was out of a job and fighting for my old job back. I was given unemployment and then it was taken away and I was told I would have to pay back the benefits that I had received so far. It seemed as though things were getting worse instead of better. But, I kept pressing into God and believing that He was all I needed. I continually told God how good He was to me and that if He didn’t do it; it wouldn’t get done. I was in His plan and His will – I had given up mine. I practiced the presence of God in all I did to the best of my ability.

God gave me many other verses and I loved my time in the word. For some time, I memorized one verse a week. I found these verses helped me when I couldn’t sleep. I would wake up at 3:30 every morning and was unable to get back to sleep as I was worried, when I started reciting the verses – I would get back to sleep instantly. There were so many things that I learned during this time of my life. It was the biggest trial and yet it was the time that I learned and changed the most. Thinking back on it now, I see so much that I experienced and learned. I am so much better today because of this time in my life. There was so much, I can’t even contain it all in a single writing.

I learned how to manage and minimize my worrying and anxiety, get closer to my family, trust God in everything – even the things that in the natural seem impossible. I learned humility and to look to God for my purpose and worth in life.

God has blessed me beyond all I could think, ask or imagine since then –I have been transformed by this trial and I am thankful for it.

My prayer is that I can hang on to the things I learned and not have to repeat them like the Israelites going around that mountain again and again. I pray that I continually trust God and have a desperate desire to stay in His word and His presence. To know that I can’t do it – if He doesn’t do it; it won’t get done. He is the author of my life and He will be the finisher of it.

“When I said, my foot is slipping, Your mercy and loving-kindness, O Lord, held me up.
In the multitude of my [anxious] thoughts within me, Your comforts cheer and delight my soul!” Psalm 94:18-19 AMP

In the Blink of An Eye

One of my favorite songs, is “In the Blink of an Eye” by MercyMe. Lately I’ve been thinking about how things happen just that way…in the blink of an eye. Hurricane Katrina is so fresh. I ponder about how drastically the lives of the people in that area have changed. How drastically the United States has changed because of Katrina, we’ve all been impacted. Blink of an eye….Tsunami and September 11th are other “blinks”. There are so many things that happen so very fast and the impact is great, and the recovery is lengthy.

This led me to thinking about how each and every one of us have “blinks” in our lives. The death of a loved one, divorce, job loss, diagnosis of a deadly disease, car crash, or stroke; the list goes on and on. Seems to me “blinks” are usually not something we would choose and they are not what we consider positive events in our lives.

I’ve had my share of blinks, I just recovered from a huge one. I’m on the other side of it now, but I still carry some remnants…shrapnel if you will. It shows up every so often as a shadow of anger, bitterness and unforgiveness that I carry with me.

This blink was caused by me, just as many are. One bad decision, action or behavior can cause something to happen that will take years to recover from. My bad behavior led to the loss of my job. But God used it for my good and His Glory. He took a jack hammer and removed everything left in my life that I was counting, trusting, and depending on instead of Him: my boyfriend, money, security, and identity. I carried shame and was very isolated. This isolation worked for my good however, I had no one in my life but God, I was isolated with God.

During that time, I made a choice to allow God to work with me. It’s hard to climb up on the operating table and allow things to get cut out. But, I am so glad I did. I got closer to God and began to know Him in a new and fresh way, He is my provider, He knows my name, He created me before the world was formed and He knows me, He loves me and I am His. God is a God of restoration and He has restored my job, my retirement, He gave me a husband and a home. I praise Him for all of His gifts and blessings to me.

This world is temporary and I want to live an intentional life, choosing the right choices, consistently walking with my Lord. God has promised us in the Bible that there will be another blink for us and this one is going to be amazing. It’s when Jesus comes back for the saints and we meet Him in the clouds…in the blink of an eye.

Free

You mended my broken heart,
When it was torn apart.
Because of the work You’ve done in me,
From my bondages I’m now free.

Layer by layer You peel them away,
You show them to me and You say
“My child it’s time to face this one,
The healing process has begun.”

You refine me so tenderly,
From the inside You’re changing me
Free of bitterness, money and it’s chains.
The hold of unforgiveness and the pain

Every obedient step I take in the light,
Matures and blesses me with new insight
Day by day, hour by hour
I see the release of Your power.

These blessings from You that I receive
I put on the altar as a seed