Grief

Grief looks different on everyone
For me, it took six months to come
It’s so late that it somehow seems wrong
That these feelings would be so strong

Not that grief wasn’t there right away
But it didn’t hang around to stay
Now it’s as if it’s part of me
Death is in everything I see

I was away from home without a lifeline
My mom played that role all the time
The extent of my loss became crystal clear
It’s sad to let go of my mother so dear

Feeling Like an Outsider

I always felt like a black sheep
The feeling’s as old as it is deep
My siblings were chosen, I was not
It was a status I constantly sought

This desire and struggle followed me through life
Creating poor choices and much strife
In certain situations things haven’t changed
That outsider feeling still remains

One day last April, my mom died
The entire family was by her side
She was my best friend and the family’s glue
Now I’m an outsider and an orphan too

So, I turn to Jesus; He’s my only source
I can trust in Him to keep me on course
He’ll walk beside me and show me the way
Step by step and day by day

I’m Powerless

This last week has been really crazy for me. I’ve been reminded over and over just how powerless I am. How powerless we all are.

Last Monday, I was at North Memorial in Maple Grove with Bill. He was getting a test done as an outpatient. While I was waiting for him my niece called and told me my Mom had been taken to the Hospital by ambulance. She didn’t have any other information – just that.

I called and verified that my mom had just arrived in the ER and they were checking her out – they’d call when they had more information. So, when Bill got done we went from North Memorial in Maple Grove to North Memorial in Robbinsdale. The bottom line is that mom has a blood clot in her heart. She’s home now but she has a long road ahead of her yet.

Through this God has been showing me and teaching me many things:
• To live one day at a time; sometimes one moment at a time.
• To be fully present to each moment.
• I am powerless and I have to continually turn things over to Him – that’s been my entire week this week.
• He’s showing me just how precious each moment is and not to take anything for granted.
• He’s shown me the love He has for His children and that no matter how old we are – we’re still His children.
• That He gives us the strength and grace we need for each day – our “daily bread”.
• He’s shown me the importance of family and friends and that they really make a difference in our lives.
• He’s shown me the reality of “we can make our plans, but He directs our steps”
• that ultimately He’s in control. And we – are powerless.

Here’s a “physical heart-snapshot”
One of the cool things He showed me is the complex and unique way He has created us. I was in the room when Mom got an ultrasound done of her heart. At one point the image on the screen was like a little cone head person (you can tell I’m a 70’s SNL fan) I think there was more than one but I could really only see one (because of the size of the screen) and this little cone head person; was praising God! It was kinda like jumping jacks yet not really. It would raise it’s hands in praise and then back down to touch the other cone head person.

I really think it was her heart pumping and the valves letting the blood flow by and then blocking it again. I’m not sure. But to me, in that moment it was cone head people praising God. I just thought – wow, even our hearts praise God with every beat!

Winter

Winter – I’ve always hated it. Well, maybe that’s a little bit strong. But, I really don’t ever remember liking it too much; even as a kid. Most kids love the snow and want to go outside and play in it. I don’t remember being like that; well, maybe I’m just too old to remember 🙂

Usually, all I do is complain about the cold, the snow and how dreadfully long it is. But, God is slowing changing me. The last few years haven’t been so bad for me. In fact – last year for my birthday I asked to go dog sledding in Ely. The temperature was -30 and that was without the wind chill. Yet, we went and we had a good time.

This year, I grieved the loss of summer and felt cheated because it seemed so short; but yet I find I’m not dreading the coming of winter. In fact, today I looked out the window at the trees and noticed that some of them have very little leaves left on them. I felt a peace, like nature is soon to be resting and with that rest comes renewal and a burst of energy in the spring. I feel like God is going to do that with me as well this year (well, that probably was His plan for me the other years too, but I resisted). I know that we need rejuvenation, rest, renewal, transformation and a burst of energy too, just like nature does.

So, this year; I’m not going to resist. I’m going to allow God to slow me down and do His renewal work in me as well. I’m going to view winter with new eyes this year. I’m at peace and I’m going to look for the beauty ‘cause it’s all part of the bigger picture and God’s plan.

Hard Times Make Me Humble

For every one mile of road; the ditch equals two
Jesus, I’m grateful I’m on the road with You.
When I lose focus and drift to the side
Your gentle nudging is my guide

Many times I was in desperate need
And still; Your nudge, I didn’t heed
In the ditch, the price I paid
For following the plans I‘d made

When I had enough; I’d cry out to You
You were always there to see me through
You’d reach down and get me on my feet
With mercy and love we again would meet

In the ditch I learned important lessons
To seek You for answers and to listen
To obey and trust You to safely lead me
As we maneuver through my life’s journey

You don’t promise a bump free road
You promise to help carry my load
And to comfort me when I stumble
For hard times are what make me humble

Glimpses

Lord, open my eyes so I might see
Glimpses of You surrounding me.
You show Yourself in so many ways,
Beneath the surface of my life everyday.

If I’d only stop long enough to see,
What’s right here in front of me,
I’d soon live in a new reality
Bits of heaven would blossom in me.

With spiritual eyes things would be new
My everyday life would be colored with You.
I want to live my life in this way
Being fully present to You everyday.

Moment by Moment

Jesus – everywhere I look; it’s You I see
In the tall, majestic Oak tree,
The puffy clouds in the sky so blue,
All things created remind me of You.

You speak to me through your creation,
And show me your awesome imagination
The water, forest and the fields
All of them, to you yield

Through the woods, I love to walk
There I find it’s easy to talk
To talk to you and hear you so clearly
These moments I hold dearly

Why is it these walks aren’t more frequent?
Why isn’t my daily time better spent?
I desire a closer, intimate relationship with You
Yet I find myself doing other things I don’t want to do

It’s that age old question – why do I do
The things that I don’t want to do?
Why can’t I do the things that I want to?
For it’s you Lord, I want to pursue.

I want to drink from the well that satisfies
I want to walk with the one who hears my cries
I want to go through life holding your hand
Guiding me moment by moment through the land

There is Hope

I want to share with you that there is hope. When you’re a Child of God – there’s always hope! Paul says in Colossians 1:27 that we have Christ in us, the hope of glory. (Christ is in us and we can hope for glory – we can!)

I gave my life to Jesus when I was a young child in Sunday school and I fell away – badly when I got a little older. I gave my life to Jesus as an adult when I was 34. At that time, I had been using drugs for about 22 years and was in the process of my 3rd divorce.

I started using when I was barely 13; because I wanted to be grown up, wanted to fit in and just wanted to be cool. My oldest sister introduced me to cigarettes, drinking and pot – all in one night. I had been sexually abused by different men from the age of 11 or 12 until about 15. When I was 22, right after my first divorce my mom disowned me and I went into a downward spiral for the next 12 years.

I used men, a huge variety of drugs and partied whenever I could. My drug of choice was always pot, but also included cocaine for about 8 years. I did many other drugs in my life, but these two were my favorites. My goal was to be stoned from the time I got up in the morning until I passed out at night. In the morning when I was putting my make up on, I was smoking a joint; I smoked on the way to work, at work and on the way home and all night long. A typical day for me was an average of 8 joints and that was when I was by myself. Weekends and when I smoked with friends, my usage was up. This didn’t stop just because I gave my life to Jesus. I continued smoking pot and drinking for about a year and a half after I was saved. I did however, quit using men, partying and doing the bar scene.

When I quit using, it appeared as though it was a miracle, a deliverance; it looked like I just suddenly quit cold turkey. From 8 joints one day – to zero the next. But that wasn’t the case; Jesus had been working on me on the inside for the entire year and a half. I knew I wasn’t pleasing Him and I knew He wanted me to quit. I’d pray and tell Jesus that if I’m ever gonna quit, He’d have to do it for me, because I couldn’t do it alone. The thing is, I didn’t want to quit, I enjoyed it. I prayed that He would make me willing to be willing; and then allow Him to come in and do His work. I would always put this tag though on the end of those prayers and say “but please don’t get me busted!” Cause you know how God is and He works that way sometimes when we don’t get the message.

Well, one day, I heard a sermon and I knew it was time. (The sermon was called “Freeze Tag” and it was about the game of Freeze tag that you’ve maybe played when you were young. Whoever is “it” tags the other players and they are instantly frozen and they have to stay that way until one of the other players comes along and tags them – then they are no longer frozen. The sermon related that game to people who get frozen and stuck in certain patterns or behaviors in life. Frozen people in life stay that way until Jesus comes along and touches them and then they’re no longer frozen. That was me, and that was what I needed…I needed a touch from Jesus) I knew God was speaking through my Pastor directly to me in that sermon. But, I didn’t quit that day, or the next day which was Monday. I was gonna to call my Pastor and realized that Monday was his day off and so Tuesday I called him and I told him everything = I just spilled it all out to him and he was so gracious! We prayed together and that was the last day I used drugs.

So, there is hope. Isaiah 59:1 says “Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear” Surely His arm is not too short to save – he can reach you no matter where you are. If you cry out to him, he will hear you (his ear is not dull) and he will reach you – no matter how far you’ve fallen.

I’ll leave you with this: taken from Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit..”

Our God is a God of hope and we can overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.