Defined

I am in a small group Bible Study doing the book/video series by Beth Moore called Believing God. One of the weekly videos spoke about things we can’t let go of; things from our past which we allow to define us. These are things maybe nobody else thinks or knows about us, but we do, and we continue to speak it into our lives. The enemy continues to bring it to our remembrance and when it comes to mind, we take it in.

The video taught that there are things we will always remember about our pasts and that’s OK. What the video showed is some memories are more than just memories; they are things we continue to define ourselves by. Until we see ourselves as God sees us and we define ourselves as God defines us, we will be stuck. The video showed this as a coat we choose to put on. This coat has a name on the back of it and the name is whatever our memory is. For instance; my coat said “fired” on it. Three years ago I got fired from my job. It was something I couldn’t let go of. Whenever I would think about the situation, I would find myself sucked right back into the same place I was in 3 years ago. I found myself feeling the same feelings, getting all worked up and feeling like a victim. This time in my life carried much shame with it. I was devastated by being fired; my entire life, future, identity and security were in that job. I had only 3 years left until retirement; I had been working there since high school, for 25 years.

It took me over a year of jumping through all the hoops of paperwork, filing grievances, lawyers and a hearing before I was awarded my job back. But, even though I got my job back, I still lost that year of my life. I had gotten unemployment which my employer fought and won the hearing so I had to repay all the money I had received. I had all my eggs in one basket, I’d had my job for more than half my life and it was what was going to make or break my future as far as I was concerned, all my plans hinged on this retirement. Well, God sure shook all that up. I learned real fast that I plan my way, but God directs my paths. I learned to fall on my face and ask God for help.

“A man’s mind plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” Proverbs 16:9

Here I was 3 years later and these thoughts of being fired or of the people involved with firing me would come to mind several times a week and sometimes even several times a day. When the thoughts came I would slip right back into the same place emotionally. I was wearing it like a coat. The study told us we were to reframe whatever memory (old coat) we were defining ourselves by. I was struggling with how to do this.

The next week at the study, Beth used a scripture about Joshua praying for the sun to stand still so he could have more daylight to fight the war he was in (Joshua 10:5-15). She said she was pretty sure some of the men fighting under Joshua were real glad they didn’t stay home that day and miss the miracle God did for them. Beth said there are times she applauds God for what He does in her life. That day, after the video, I applauded God all the way home! My hands were red from my clapping so hard and tears were streaming down my face. The people in the other cars must have thought I lost my mind. I clapped and clapped and clapped and praised and thanked God that I didn’t miss the miracle He performed on the day of my hearing. He got my job and my retirement back. I cheered because He provided for me that year, I clapped and cheered that He came through and He gave me what I needed to return to work for the next 2 years and do the best job I could for this same employer and this same management that had fired me. (When I retired my co-workers told me how amazed they were that I worked so hard and with such loyalty and diligence. There are others who had been fired and got their jobs back and they returned with an attitude of trying to get away with all they can, grumbling and griping to all who will listen.) I cheered God for the work ethic He gave me when I returned, I cheered that I didn’t miss this experience because it gave me a chance to give Him glory!

This broke whatever it was that held me. I am free today. I still have the memory, but I don’t ever get sucked back into it and I don’t put that coat on anymore!

I’m a Pharisee

My husband and I attended a concert last weekend; it was Chris Tomlin and Matt Redmond. We had good seats, Row G right in the front, just a little off to the right. We were 10 minutes late and the usher was seating us, we got to the seats and other people were sitting in them. The usher asked them to move and they showed him their e-ticket. The usher brought us to the lobby. Right away I was thinking that we would get exceptional seats because some of the preferred seats would still be open. We went to the lobby and a clerk was helping us she said there were apparently duplicate tickets issued for the same seats. She told us she had extra tickets available for us and they were good seats. It turned out the seats were in row W in the upper balcony!

I had been biting my tongue the entire time and now I moved over to my husband and said loud enough for the others to hear “too bad we were 10 minutes late or we would have been in the seats first and they would have to be bumped instead of us”. Another person who worked there looked our name up on the computer and said the row G seats were our seats and the people that were in them had to move. I was relieved. My husband however felt bad for the people that would have to move into bad seats. I didn’t feel bad for them. He thought: “people that would come to a concert like this wouldn’t deliberately take the wrong seats…” The usher went to tell them to move and came back with their paperwork on the e-ticket that they had been issued. The person helping us looked their name up on the computer and found out they were in the wrong seats; they were supposed to be in row E — center section, isle seats. The usher and the clerk both said, well those seats are open and if you want them, you can sit there. We said fine and sat there. It turned out they were better seats and the other people didn’t have to be moved.

I felt so bad because of the way I behaved, my attitude and the statements that I made to my husband making those statements deliberately so the people working there would hear me. That was not Christ-like. I sat in my new seat and just put my head in my hands and cried because how can I love God whom I can’t see when I can’t love the people I can see? How can God use me when I can’t even act right? And I want so much to please God, I want Him to look at me and be proud of my behavior, to be proud of His daughter. I want to be used by God, I want so much to be holy, obedient and loving. Yet, in my day to day thoughts, words, attitudes and actions, I don’t display those characteristics.

Since then, I have been praying for Jesus show me when I’m being critical, judgmental and unloving. I find myself constantly commenting out loud and to myself in my car different slamming remarks about other drivers. If I have the chance, I give them “the look” so perhaps they will feel bad about their behavior, and figure out what they did wrong. I’m such a Pharisee! God help me. I feel almost defeated, like there is just no hope for me, but as soon as I think that thought, I know it’s wrong. It’s from Satan and not true. Instead I thank Jesus for showing me my behavior and acknowledge it is wrong and tell Jesus if He doesn’t help me there is going to be no improvement whatsoever. I find I am critical, angry and judgmental about people I encounter at work, finding fault, nitpicking and analyzing others. Like I’m perfect! Help me Jesus, I can’t do this!!! I will not, cannot change without You! Even though I desperately desire to change, I can’t do this on my own, I will only get worse, I need Jesus, I thank Him each and every time I recognize fault within myself.

No Place to Move

There are times in my life that are like chapters in a book. My life is a book and the different seasons are the chapters. The one I just came out of seems to be one that was titled “no place to move”. I have learned very many things. God seemed to be taking
a jackhammer to my life. He jack hammered everything except one spot to stand, and that spot was “the rock”. That was Jesus Christ, my Lord.

I thought I was doing well, that I was OK. But, in reality, I had drifted so far from where I wanted to be, from where I used to be, from where I should be. I was so close to Jesus and somehow I got so far away from Him. I don’t even know how it happened. Oh, yes I do. But, this is in hindsight. I guess I knew how it happened at the time too, but it was happening so slowly, I thought I could handle it and not let it affect me. I thought I would still stay close to Jesus even though I was doing and allowing things into my life He wouldn’t approve of. I was being deceived. I fell for the lies.

I don’t know where to start with my story, I guess it was when I got a divorce and turned to a friend, a guy in jail. I met him doing prison ministry and he was transformed by Jesus. When he got out, he had no place to go and couldn’t go back to his old life and that was all he knew, so I allowed him to move in with me. This went on for years. I was still in the Word, but not as close as I wanted to be to Jesus.

I had worked at my job since 1977; I had plans for retiring there. I worked for a place that was “30 years and out”, I could retire in 2006 at the age of 46. As I went through the years, I formulated a plan. It included having my house and car paid off several years before retirement and then I would get involved in some kind of ministry.

Well I learned “man plans his way, but God directs his path”. I had all these plans and God just jack hammered around and everything in my life that I was counting on and standing on, crumbled. I lost my job, had to refinance my house and put the car payment on the mortgage, now I was up to 15 years again. My boyfriend had slipped badly, he was drinking a lot and I couldn’t even talk to him anymore. He started out trying to help his sister get free from her habits and got into the same habits himself. Soon, he was doing crack and/or methamphetamine along with drinking. He wouldn’t come home for days and when he did, he would crash out on the couch for days, usually sick and always sleeping it off. He’d get some strength up, go to work and not come home for days again. God had jack hammered out my job, my money, my security, my boyfriend. All I had was Him. Oh, poor baby, all I had was God!

I was isolated. My Mom was the only human person I had in my life. She didn’t want the rest of my family to know I had been fired, so she didn’t tell them and I didn’t either. I didn’t want Mom to be exposed as a liar. What a place to be. The shame I carried was the most unbearable part of this time in my life.

I prayed and asked God to show me how I should spend my time with Him. I knew I needed to lean into Him heavily. It seemed as though He led me to this verse: “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be given unto you”. Matt 7:33. So, I spent my days studying righteousness and God’s Kingdom.

For the next year, I was out of a job and fighting for my old job back. I was given unemployment and then it was taken away and I was told I would have to pay back the benefits that I had received so far. It seemed as though things were getting worse instead of better. But, I kept pressing into God and believing that He was all I needed. I continually told God how good He was to me and that if He didn’t do it; it wouldn’t get done. I was in His plan and His will – I had given up mine. I practiced the presence of God in all I did to the best of my ability.

God gave me many other verses and I loved my time in the word. For some time, I memorized one verse a week. I found these verses helped me when I couldn’t sleep. I would wake up at 3:30 every morning and was unable to get back to sleep as I was worried, when I started reciting the verses – I would get back to sleep instantly. There were so many things that I learned during this time of my life. It was the biggest trial and yet it was the time that I learned and changed the most. Thinking back on it now, I see so much that I experienced and learned. I am so much better today because of this time in my life. There was so much, I can’t even contain it all in a single writing.

I learned how to manage and minimize my worrying and anxiety, get closer to my family, trust God in everything – even the things that in the natural seem impossible. I learned humility and to look to God for my purpose and worth in life.

God has blessed me beyond all I could think, ask or imagine since then –I have been transformed by this trial and I am thankful for it.

My prayer is that I can hang on to the things I learned and not have to repeat them like the Israelites going around that mountain again and again. I pray that I continually trust God and have a desperate desire to stay in His word and His presence. To know that I can’t do it – if He doesn’t do it; it won’t get done. He is the author of my life and He will be the finisher of it.

“When I said, my foot is slipping, Your mercy and loving-kindness, O Lord, held me up.
In the multitude of my [anxious] thoughts within me, Your comforts cheer and delight my soul!” Psalm 94:18-19 AMP

Free

You mended my broken heart,
When it was torn apart.
Because of the work You’ve done in me,
From my bondages I’m now free.

Layer by layer You peel them away,
You show them to me and You say
“My child it’s time to face this one,
The healing process has begun.”

You refine me so tenderly,
From the inside You’re changing me
Free of bitterness, money and it’s chains.
The hold of unforgiveness and the pain

Every obedient step I take in the light,
Matures and blesses me with new insight
Day by day, hour by hour
I see the release of Your power.

These blessings from You that I receive
I put on the altar as a seed

New Life

In the air, there’s a feeling of spring,
A time when every living thing
Seems to awaken to new life and beauty
I’m feeling the same is true for me.

The road I’m on has been long,
But the journey made me strong
I see the end now in sight
I again, draw on Your might.

I take comfort in Your love,
And ask You to give me a shove
The change You’re prompting me to make,
Is a step I don’t want to take.

In my flesh, it seems so hard,
My heart feels tattered and scarred,
I want to protect it from further pain,
Even though I know, new life I’ll gain

Take my hand and come with me,
From this bondage, You’ll set me free,
Your healing hands will bind my pain,
With You, I’ll stand and remain

Growing Pains

Growing pains
they are so hard,
But such a necessary part
of life

In one year
Seems ten I’ve grown
I sometimes feel
so all alone
in strife.

But in my loneliest
times
Is when I always
find
The face of Christ

The arms of Jesus
reach for me
Everyday, but I best see
in darkness

The Pit

You were there when I was numb
When I was lost.
When I didn’t know where to find…..
me.

I didn’t know where to look.
Going through the motions
seemed so hard.
My struggles just brought
me deeper in the pit.

But, no pit is deeper
than the arm of God.
And You were there.
You met me in my pit,
and sat with me awhile.
And we cried together.
We mourned my losses:
-of hope
-of the future
that “my mind” had planned,
and realized that You directed my path.

Your plans are better than mine,
Your thoughts are higher than mine.
And I put my hand in Yours,
and You are bringing me out of that pit.
And I know there is glorious sunshine at the end.

However long it takes
However many rocks are in my path,
we will go hand in hand
and I will trust You
and follow You completely.
For You know me
and even though You know,
You love me!

Broken

You bind up broken hearts,
Well mine is broken apart
In my mind, I do believe,
Yet I can’t seem to receive.

Receive and walk next to You
Involve You in all I say and do,
I’m isolated and so alone,
My life is empty as is my home