Chosen!

My husband, Bill and I volunteered to serve at the Joyce Meyer Conference back in the first part of June. A week or so before the conference we got our position assignments in the mail. Bill got his a day before mine and he was selected to be an Usher Captain. He asked me what an Usher Captain was and I told him it was like a Head Usher, he would oversee a group of ushers. The next day one came for me and I was selected to be an usher. When I told Bill he felt bad and wanted to call Joyce Meyer’s office and tell them that I should be the Usher Captain instead. He had reasons why he believed that: I do it as a job here in Minnesota; I’ve volunteered for many of her Conferences since 1996 and 10 of them were the Women’s Conference in St. Louis. I told him he got that assignment because that’s the one God wanted him to have and he should accept it. I got the assignment that God wanted me to have and I was fine with it. The funny thing is that this is something that in the past I would have been jealous and felt bad, like I had been cheated and it should’ve been me. I would have grudgingly accepted the position I was given but I wouldn’t be happy. This time was different. I’m different. The accident that I had on vacation in April when the wind pushed me down has really changed many areas of my life; I’m continually amazed at what’s being changed in me.

We reported to the Target Center for Usher’s training and the girl who signed us in asked me if I wanted to be a Stage Usher. I asked her what it was and she explained I would stand on one side of the stage and not let anyone by that wasn’t authorized. I told her I could do that. Pastor Lynn took the Stage Ushers (2 of us) for training. As he trained us he told us that we had the best job in the house. We were to stand on the side of the stage and not let unauthorized people pass and once the worship was over we could go to our seats which were located in the front row. He also said that he never wants to know who his Stage Ushers are until the day of the conference; he wants the Holy Spirit to pick them out. I was chosen by the Holy Spirit! There were many ushers serving at the conference and yet, I was chosen! I was assigned to the left side of the stage and my reserved seat was right next to the band’s reserved seats. When worship was over I went to my seat and the band came and sat in their seats and most of the time Matt Redman sat next to me. Bill was assigned to the back corner of the arena. Needless to say, he was jealous of my position. I am very grateful for a God that loves to bless and reward his kids.

Being chosen means very much to me; I was the youngest of 3 girls and my 2 sisters are adopted. I always believed the lie that being adopted (chosen) was special, it was better. I believed that my parents chose my 2 sisters and they were stuck with me because I came last and they had to keep me; like it or not. Now, I can see how this lie has been turned around to be a gift for me. Because I have lived out believing that adopted is better and more special; the scriptures telling me that we’re adopted, chosen by God to be in His family mean a lot to me. Knowing that I am adopted by God, the Creator of the Universe is the most precious, special gift that He could give me. I am chosen! I am chosen by God! He looked around and He wanted me! And He wants you too. You are chosen by God. We are uniquely loved, cared for, wanted, chosen and special. We are adopted.

It doesn’t get any better than that for me. 

To purchase the freedom of (to ransom, to redeem, to atone for) those who were subject to the Law, that we might be adopted and have sonship conferred upon us [and be recognized as God’s sons]. Galatians 4:5 AMP

 For He foreordained us (destined us, planned in love for us) to be adopted (revealed) as His own children through Jesus Christ, in accordance with the purpose of His will [because it pleased Him and was His kind intent] Ephesians 1:5

So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:14-16 NLT

And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us. Romans 8:23 NLT

Horseshoe Bend

It’s funny how everything can change in an instant. I had an accident recently that changed me. The second day of a ten day vacation I was at Horseshoe Bend, which is a canyon with a river down below that’s in the shape of a horseshoe. It was really windy the day we were there and at one point the wind just took me away. All I remember is the wind pushing me and I was running as fast as I could to keep up, then a gust pushed me over. I put my hands out to catch myself and I felt a sharp shooting pain in my right shoulder. I passed out and the next thing I remember is sitting up with my husband, Bill helping me. He got me back to our hotel, I washed up and we went to Urgent Care.

I had a large golf ball size lump on the right side of my forehead and on my chin and my right cheek was completely swollen from my cheekbone to my lips. I had raw skin various places on my face and the bridge of my nose was bleeding.  I noticed later I had a lump on my right hip and both knees were bruised. I needed one stitch on the bridge of my nose. The Dr. at Urgent Care told us that Horseshoe Bend is dangerous, people die there every year. He was worried I might have (among other things) bleeding on my brain; he told us the symptoms to watch for. Bill told me the place I landed wasn’t too far from the edge; I could’ve run right off the edge of the cliff into the canyon.

It’s true God takes everything in our lives and uses it for good. Immediately, even before I knew that I could’ve died; I noticed I was different; I had a better attitude, I was grateful and appreciative of everything: the beauty of the landscape, my husband, people who worked at McDonalds, etc. I didn’t complain about the pain; I just felt content and peaceful. I value life and the people I encounter each day; I pray I don’t lose that; it’s a gift. I’m so thankful to God that he protected me and had the wind push me down where it did. I feel like there’s a reason God saved me; He’s not done with me yet.

Since we were on vacation we went out in public daily to eat and shop, etc.  I noticed when I did, I hung my head and looked down all the time; I rarely looked up at people when I passed by them. When I ordered dinner from my server I avoided eye contact; I guess I felt that if I didn’t see them, then they wouldn’t see me either. I realized I was acting like someone who had been beaten and abused, or handicapped or disfigured. I felt and acted sheepish, I wanted to hide myself.

I found I didn’t care much about how I looked, I didn’t put on make-up because it hurt to take it off, I wasn’t as picky about how my hair looked or how I dressed; I figured people weren’t going to notice that anyway. People didn’t look at me or want to speak to me very much. When out shopping the sales people weren’t as assertive as usual; they avoided me most times if there were others in the store; if I was the only one there they’d speak very little. I noticed when I interacted with people they pretended nothing was wrong; only three people asked me what happened.

Our bodies are funny; both my knees were bruised but they never hurt. Looking at the bruises I know they should’ve been painful but I had too many other places that hurt and maybe my body could only hurt so much; I guess it blocked out the rest of the pain. My bruises grew and my face changed daily; it was ironic because each day I looked a little worse and I felt a little better.

During this time, I realized I hadn’t been praying very much. But, somehow my heart was more open to God and I was changing and leaning into Him. I think He was hearing the prayers of my heart. I was reading the book “Room of Marvels” (which I highly recommend) and in the book this quote spoke to me “the most beautiful stones are the ones that have been tossed by the wind and washed by the water and polished to brilliance by life’s strongest storms” I felt like it was for me. I had just been tossed by the wind literally and I know I’m washed by the water and I’d been through a pretty strong storm.

A week after the accident Bill and I went to Uptown Sedona and walked around. We found ourselves in a store with rocks, minerals and beautiful pieces of art. A woman who worked there, Heather took us around and showed us various pieces and told us the story of where and how they were formed. We came across a case of stones from AZ and I asked about the golden brown/tan/cream colored balls that were displayed. Heather picked one up and exclaimed “aren’t they beautiful, it looks just like a sand storm”. Wow! I had just been through a sand storm and I immediately thought of the quote about beautiful stones. Heather went on to explain they were some sort of sand stone. I talked to Bill about it when we got out to the car and he wanted to go right back in and buy it. I told him we should think about it for a day.

I kept thinking of quote in the book about beautiful stones and what Heather said to us, I felt like God was speaking to me. I wanted to buy something to remember this experience and how good God is to me.

The next day, Bill and I went to Jerome and walked through the galleries and I found the perfect stone, it had the same colors of my bruises and it was very beautiful. The paper that was posted to explain the history of the stone stated the Egyptians and Pharaohs would decorate themselves and carry these stones as a reminder of regeneration and faithfulness. I loved what it stood for. God had been very faithful to me and I was in the process of regeneration.  I looked up the definition of regeneration:

1)    To reform spiritually or morally

2)   To form, construct, or create anew, especially in an improved state.

3)   To give new life or energy to; revitalize.

4)   To replace (a lost or damaged organ or part) by formation of new tissue.

5)   Restored to a better state; refreshed or renewed.

I think in a way, all five of these were happening to me. This made me love the stone all the more.

After visiting Jerome we came back to Sedona and looked at the original sandstone balls. Bill still wanted me to get one but none of them stood out to me. We walked through other shops and found a different stone; it had veins running through it and reflected light in different colors depending on the angle. The paper explaining the history of this rock spoke of protection. We found one we both liked and we purchased it. The lady who worked in the shop was very nice, she asked me “what happened to this soul” and when we paid for the stone she said that it would always remind Bill of the week he almost lost his wife and I added that it would remind me of the protection I received. She was very loving, tender and gentle.

I’m aware of what stones and crystals mean to New Age believers and I’m not buying into that or playing around with it. I’m not relying on the stones to bring me protection; the stones are a reminder of what God has done for me. In the Old Testament people would regularly build altars out of rocks to stand for God’s faithfulness, protection or provision. These stones are my version of an altar, they stand for and remind me of God’s faithfulness, regeneration and protection; of my gratitude and love for Him and knowing that He is not done with me yet.

Some noticing’s:  Many times friends and family contacted Bill to find out how I was doing or to encourage us and say they were praying. Bill passed along their care, love and concern but it didn’t translate well, I didn’t really feel it. I felt disconnected and isolated. I wondered why they didn’t communicate directly with me. I still don’t know but it’s changed how I want to respond when someone is injured or hurting; I’ll communicate directly with them and show them love and concern first hand. I hope I’ll be more sensitive to those who are hurt, abused, handicapped or disfigured. I’ve learned much and I know I am loved by my friends, family and most of all Bill and God no matter how I look or what I’m like. I am loved and cared for unconditionally.

One of the many things that I will hold on to from this experience is what Bill said to me the morning after the accident “if you ever think you’re not a strong person, you are”

Patterns

On a recent trip to California, Bill and I went to the beach. He was taking pictures and I walked and watched the ocean as the waves came in and splashed on the shore.

I noticed how quickly my footprints would start to disappear. The water would come and wash over them and eventually they were gone – just smooth sand remained.

As I continued to walk along the shore I came across patterns in the sand. They were beautiful! I know the water created those patterns but I don’t know how.

It reminded me of how Jesus does that for the sin in our lives. Sin is just like my footprints on the beach. Sin marks us and shows, even if we think it doesn’t. But, once we confess it to Jesus and ask for Him to forgive us, He does. He comes in just like the waves and washes us clean. None of the sin remains. What does remain is patterns in our soul, beautiful patterns. Jesus doesn’t just take our sin away, he changes us. He leaves beautiful marks in our souls.

Changes

It’s been almost 2 years since my mom died and sometimes it seems like it’s been forever and other times it feels like it was just last week. What a 2 years it’s been. A few months after my mom died, my 16 year old cat, Titus got sick; he was sick almost a year and then we had to have him put to sleep. That was really hard; Titus was the last cat I had from my “old life”. (I had put my other cat, Brandy to sleep 2 years previously.) He was with me before I got married and moved out to the suburbs. In a way it felt like he was all I had left of what was just me; me when I was alone.  Does that make any sense?  A couple of months after we had Titus put to sleep we got two baby kitties who are sisters and they have been a blessing and such fun!  Less than 6 months after my mom died, my sister-in-law’s husband Chip, died of cancer, he was 58. He went fast. Just a couple of months ago, my favorite Aunt Elsie died, she was 96 and she also went fast.

Looking back, it’s been a journey; these last 2 years; well actually 3. My mom needed help the last year of her life so I tried to take care of her the best I could. Funny, when I type those words “best I could” I don’t feel like that’s the truth. I feel like I could have done so much better. There are times I look back and beat myself up for the things I said or did, or didn’t do or didn’t say. There are many things I wish I could take back and do differently. I’ve had to learn to have grace with myself, to realize I’m human and imperfection comes with being human. My mom told people that I was her “right arm” and she told me many times that she didn’t know what she’d do without me. I realize by those statements that I did do a good job taking care of her. She felt loved and cared for and that’s what matters most. I did the same thing after we had Titus put to sleep; I beat myself up for the times that I yelled at him or was impatient with him. Again, I had to learn to give myself grace, forgiveness and accept my humanity. I’ve learned how I can do better in the future with people and animals that need me. Hopefully I will apply what I’ve learned when and if I get another chance to care for someone who is close to the end of their life.

I did apply some of these things I learned when I went to visit Elsie the last couple of times. I sat very near to her, held her hand whenever possible and told her I loved her. I kissed her when we arrived and when we left. I wanted her to feel and to know that she was cared for and loved.

A little while back, I read a book that changed my life. It’s called “Nearing Home” by Billy Graham and the thing that stuck with me the most from the book is that most of us know what it means and what it looks like to die well. But, do we know how to grow old well?  Not really. We don’t hear about that. I realized that I had some really great mentors in my life; my Dad, Mom and Aunt Elsie are all people in my life that grew old well.

All the events of the last 3 years: my mom going into the hospital and needing care for a year; my cat Brandy (17) being put to sleep; my cat Titus (17) being put to sleep; my mom died; Chip died; my aunt Elsie died and I turned 50 (the year my mom died). All these events along with reading the book Nearing Home have brought me to a place of reflection. I am now at the top of the family tree; the top branch. Wow! Am I ready for that? I’ve prayed about this new season in my life. What does it hold for me? How am I to grow old well? This led me to making some changes in myself; I got my hair cut about 4” shorter, cleaned out and gave away all the t-shirts in one dresser drawer (it was packed FULL with band t-shirts, and from places I volunteered, etc), started playing with lighter eye make-up and slowly changing the style of my clothes. I also started looking around at people I respect who are close to my age or a little older and noticing how they conduct themselves, how they dress, their hairstyle, etc. I’ve also noticed a few new things about me: I’m a little bit more patient, forgiving and accepting….just a little. I’m hoping, in time that will grow in me. I’m also hoping that I will grow old well.

No Tears

I first noticed it when my mom died. My whole family was at the hospital. Mom was in intensive care and I’m not sure about the others but I really didn’t understand what exactly was wrong with her or what was going to happen. My sister had told me earlier in the day that Mom was really sick and might not make it through the night. She had only been there since 3pm and she died at 10:30pm. She went fast and it was unexpected. We all stood around her bed in that small room said goodbye and watched the machine as her heart slowly quit beating. As soon as she died we all started crying. I was sobbing on my husband’s shoulder and I realized that I was crying but I had no tears. I mentioned it to him and he just shrugged his shoulders. I continued to cry.

The next time I noticed it was 6 months later when we were in China. We were with a tour group and we were scheduled to go to the Temple of Heaven but there was something special going on there and we couldn’t go. Our tour guide, Hao took us to a Buddhist Temple instead. It was the only sunny day we had while in Beijing. We got off the bus and waited while Hao bought our tickets and then we all started walking along the path that led to the temple. The path was pretty, there were many trees and it had a nice feel to it. It wasn’t a very long walk maybe a block long in American terms. Almost right away I could smell the incense burning. I love incense; it smelled good, like frankincense. The first thing we saw was a lot of people around a couple of big square iron containers that were open on the top and had smoke and flames coming out of them. People approached the containers and lit their incense. I was amazed and speechless at this scene. All I could do was stand there; I had never seen anything like it. There was so much smoke it was thick; people were lighting up to 500 sticks of incense at a time! It was incredible. After they lit their incense they prayed; some still holding their incense, others not. Many stood there with their eyes closed and hands clasped, others kneeled or bowed. When they were finished they threw their remaining incense in one of the burners as an offering.

This was just the beginning. There were many buildings on the grounds and most of them had at least 3 Buddha statues in them. The statues represented the various characteristics of Buddha. People found the Buddha that represented what they needed that day and would bow/pray in front of it. We walked through each building; my guess is that there were 7-8 buildings that we went through. There were other buildings to the right and left of us but we just went through the center ones. I kept thinking of the worshippers as I walked through these buildings. I thought about how reverent they were and how many of them were there on an early Monday morning. I wanted to pray for them and I didn’t know how; it just seemed too huge. When we were at the last building, Hao gave us some time to go through the other buildings on our own and then meet back at the bus. That last building was fairly dark, yet I had my sunglasses on; I was so close to crying. I turned to go out and my husband, Bill asked me what was wrong and I said “nothing”. He kept asking and took my shoulders and turned me towards him and I just burst into sobs. I told him how I felt, that I wanted to pray for these people, they were so lost and it wasn’t their fault, they had been lied to for generations! This was what they knew. It just seemed so big, there were so many of them and this was just a small sample of how many there were in the world. And again, what I noticed is that I had no tears. I was sobbing uncontrollably and yet no tears.

My favorite Aunt died in November and I was heartbroken. She was 96 years old and we had just visited her a few weeks earlier. I was so close to her even though she lived far away. I admired her and she was my spiritual mentor even though she didn’t know it. She looked like my mom and she was the only one left that did. I look like my mom too so it somehow really meant something to have someone on this earth that looked like me; someone I had that connection with. I received the news by phone and when I hung up I literally fell on the floor and sobbed.  Again, no tears.

I’ve had so much to cry about these last few years and no tears. In two years, I’ve had to put two of my cats to sleep; one was 17 and the other was almost 16 and both my mom and my aunt have died.

I found out a couple of days ago that I have Sjogren’s Syndrome. When the Dr. told me I thought it involved just having dryness: dry eyes, mouth and dryness in general. It seems 50% of people with Sjogren’s have Lupus as well so I just thought it was another thing. However, after I googled it I found out so much more: It’s chronic and it’s progressive. It’s an autoimmune disease where the white blood cells attack the moisture-producing glands. It’s systemic and affects the entire body. Sjogren’s can cause dysfunction of kidneys, gastrointestinal system, blood vessels, lungs, liver, pancreas, and the central nervous system. Patients may also experience extreme fatigue and joint pain and have a higher risk of developing lymphoma. They experience “brain fog”, acid reflux, numbness and tingling in the extremities, etc. Finding this out explains a lot for me. I have many of these symptoms. However, I’m not sure how I feel about this news. I’m still processing it. It’s a lot to take in and it can be very scary to think about.

I was put on prescription eye drops by my Eye Dr. mid December to help produce fluid; they’ve talked to me about putting plugs in my eyes so my fluid doesn’t drain. My rheumatologist put me on a prescription of pills that will take up to 12 weeks to fully work.

I’m looking forward to the day I can cry again.

I will celebrate my tears.

You number and record my wanderings; put my tears into Your bottle–are they not in Your book?   Psalm 56:8

Thus says the Lord, the God of David your [forefather]: I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears; behold, I will heal you. 2 Kings 20:5b

They who sow in tears shall reap in joy and singing. Psalm 126:5

He will swallow up death [in victory; He will abolish death forever]. And the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces.  Isaiah 25:8a

Struggles and Joy

I keep reading in different places and hearing sermons on struggle, pain and grief and how it relates to joy. It seems that our struggle, pain and grief expand our capacity to feel and experience joy. But, not until we’ve gone through it. I keep thinking about the song that I heard last night “Come to Jesus” I can always come to Jesus and let Him hold me in His arms.

I’ve had struggles, pain and grief for about 2+ years now. When will I get through to the other side? There are times during this season that I have stuffed my feelings and not fully experienced and leaned into them or Jesus. I think that’s how I was raised. When I’ve been alone, there have been times I poured out to God my frustrations and pain about Titus (my cat that I had to have put to sleep recently), my Mom(who just died recently), etc. but I wonder if I did it to the extent that I needed to. But now, I’m not going to deliberately conjure up feelings just for the sake of having them, I don’t think that’s what is meant by fully experiencing grief and pain. I believe what it meant by that is when the feelings naturally come to the surface, don’t stuff them – welcome them and feel them, totally and completely. The trouble was when Brandy (a cat I had to have put to sleep in 2009) was nearing the end and after Mom died the time the feelings would hit me were when I was driving, usually on the freeway. Well, I can’t fall apart on the freeway! Usually I was on my way to a class or a meeting. When I found out about Elsie dying, as soon as I hung up the phone I bawled, sobbing into my hands at the kitchen table, then a found myself falling in a heap of sorrow.  I’m trying to take this as it comes and experience all that comes with it.

Struggles and Joy

Is it true struggle, grief, pain and strife
Are the things that expand joy in our life?
If so, I should soon be the most joyous person around
‘Cause for over 2 years grief and struggles have abound

I often think I’ve gotten to the other side
Then I find out someone else has died
This season that I’m going through
Is the hardest thing I’ve had to do

When oh God will it end?
When will my heart mend?
When will the joy begin to show?
When will my character start to grow?

I guess I haven’t yet mastered endurance
But, I believe the promise, I have assurance
That if I fully experience this ache
That’s exactly what it will take

For depth, character and strength to form in me
And to enter into joy and experience it fully
And so I wait and I pray
Knowing that there will come a day

When from these ashes I will rise
Standing tall and a little more wise

I’m Powerless

This last week has been really crazy for me. I’ve been reminded over and over just how powerless I am. How powerless we all are.

Last Monday, I was at North Memorial in Maple Grove with Bill. He was getting a test done as an outpatient. While I was waiting for him my niece called and told me my Mom had been taken to the Hospital by ambulance. She didn’t have any other information – just that.

I called and verified that my mom had just arrived in the ER and they were checking her out – they’d call when they had more information. So, when Bill got done we went from North Memorial in Maple Grove to North Memorial in Robbinsdale. The bottom line is that mom has a blood clot in her heart. She’s home now but she has a long road ahead of her yet.

Through this God has been showing me and teaching me many things:
• To live one day at a time; sometimes one moment at a time.
• To be fully present to each moment.
• I am powerless and I have to continually turn things over to Him – that’s been my entire week this week.
• He’s showing me just how precious each moment is and not to take anything for granted.
• He’s shown me the love He has for His children and that no matter how old we are – we’re still His children.
• That He gives us the strength and grace we need for each day – our “daily bread”.
• He’s shown me the importance of family and friends and that they really make a difference in our lives.
• He’s shown me the reality of “we can make our plans, but He directs our steps”
• that ultimately He’s in control. And we – are powerless.

Here’s a “physical heart-snapshot”
One of the cool things He showed me is the complex and unique way He has created us. I was in the room when Mom got an ultrasound done of her heart. At one point the image on the screen was like a little cone head person (you can tell I’m a 70’s SNL fan) I think there was more than one but I could really only see one (because of the size of the screen) and this little cone head person; was praising God! It was kinda like jumping jacks yet not really. It would raise it’s hands in praise and then back down to touch the other cone head person.

I really think it was her heart pumping and the valves letting the blood flow by and then blocking it again. I’m not sure. But to me, in that moment it was cone head people praising God. I just thought – wow, even our hearts praise God with every beat!

Winter

Winter – I’ve always hated it. Well, maybe that’s a little bit strong. But, I really don’t ever remember liking it too much; even as a kid. Most kids love the snow and want to go outside and play in it. I don’t remember being like that; well, maybe I’m just too old to remember 🙂

Usually, all I do is complain about the cold, the snow and how dreadfully long it is. But, God is slowing changing me. The last few years haven’t been so bad for me. In fact – last year for my birthday I asked to go dog sledding in Ely. The temperature was -30 and that was without the wind chill. Yet, we went and we had a good time.

This year, I grieved the loss of summer and felt cheated because it seemed so short; but yet I find I’m not dreading the coming of winter. In fact, today I looked out the window at the trees and noticed that some of them have very little leaves left on them. I felt a peace, like nature is soon to be resting and with that rest comes renewal and a burst of energy in the spring. I feel like God is going to do that with me as well this year (well, that probably was His plan for me the other years too, but I resisted). I know that we need rejuvenation, rest, renewal, transformation and a burst of energy too, just like nature does.

So, this year; I’m not going to resist. I’m going to allow God to slow me down and do His renewal work in me as well. I’m going to view winter with new eyes this year. I’m at peace and I’m going to look for the beauty ‘cause it’s all part of the bigger picture and God’s plan.