There is Hope

I want to share with you that there is hope. When you’re a Child of God – there’s always hope! Paul says in Colossians 1:27 that we have Christ in us, the hope of glory. (Christ is in us and we can hope for glory – we can!)

I gave my life to Jesus when I was a young child in Sunday school and I fell away – badly when I got a little older. I gave my life to Jesus as an adult when I was 34. At that time, I had been using drugs for about 22 years and was in the process of my 3rd divorce.

I started using when I was barely 13; because I wanted to be grown up, wanted to fit in and just wanted to be cool. My oldest sister introduced me to cigarettes, drinking and pot – all in one night. I had been sexually abused by different men from the age of 11 or 12 until about 15. When I was 22, right after my first divorce my mom disowned me and I went into a downward spiral for the next 12 years.

I used men, a huge variety of drugs and partied whenever I could. My drug of choice was always pot, but also included cocaine for about 8 years. I did many other drugs in my life, but these two were my favorites. My goal was to be stoned from the time I got up in the morning until I passed out at night. In the morning when I was putting my make up on, I was smoking a joint; I smoked on the way to work, at work and on the way home and all night long. A typical day for me was an average of 8 joints and that was when I was by myself. Weekends and when I smoked with friends, my usage was up. This didn’t stop just because I gave my life to Jesus. I continued smoking pot and drinking for about a year and a half after I was saved. I did however, quit using men, partying and doing the bar scene.

When I quit using, it appeared as though it was a miracle, a deliverance; it looked like I just suddenly quit cold turkey. From 8 joints one day – to zero the next. But that wasn’t the case; Jesus had been working on me on the inside for the entire year and a half. I knew I wasn’t pleasing Him and I knew He wanted me to quit. I’d pray and tell Jesus that if I’m ever gonna quit, He’d have to do it for me, because I couldn’t do it alone. The thing is, I didn’t want to quit, I enjoyed it. I prayed that He would make me willing to be willing; and then allow Him to come in and do His work. I would always put this tag though on the end of those prayers and say “but please don’t get me busted!” Cause you know how God is and He works that way sometimes when we don’t get the message.

Well, one day, I heard a sermon and I knew it was time. (The sermon was called “Freeze Tag” and it was about the game of Freeze tag that you’ve maybe played when you were young. Whoever is “it” tags the other players and they are instantly frozen and they have to stay that way until one of the other players comes along and tags them – then they are no longer frozen. The sermon related that game to people who get frozen and stuck in certain patterns or behaviors in life. Frozen people in life stay that way until Jesus comes along and touches them and then they’re no longer frozen. That was me, and that was what I needed…I needed a touch from Jesus) I knew God was speaking through my Pastor directly to me in that sermon. But, I didn’t quit that day, or the next day which was Monday. I was gonna to call my Pastor and realized that Monday was his day off and so Tuesday I called him and I told him everything = I just spilled it all out to him and he was so gracious! We prayed together and that was the last day I used drugs.

So, there is hope. Isaiah 59:1 says “Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear” Surely His arm is not too short to save – he can reach you no matter where you are. If you cry out to him, he will hear you (his ear is not dull) and he will reach you – no matter how far you’ve fallen.

I’ll leave you with this: taken from Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit..”

Our God is a God of hope and we can overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

He I Am To Worship

I volunteered for the Passion Regional Conference in Chicago last weekend. I’ve volunteered for Passion Conferences in the past and loved it. I was on the Touch Team again and it’s the team that interacts with the students the most. The Touch Team is usually inside the arena to help students find seats, answer any questions they may have and assist them in any way. We – the volunteers are there to serve the Kingdom by serving the students. We are to be Jesus in the skin to them.

Well, I think I’m ready for this and I love to serve; it always has brought me joy in the past. The funny thing is this time, it was different – I was different. We started out doing the set up and getting ready for the conference – we arrived at 8 a.m. and the first session was at 7 p.m. I was assigned to help at registration from 2 until 5 in the afternoon. At 5:00 I was on the Touch Team. I was so excited and wanted to have a really good position. I told myself it was because I loved to interact with the students and I loved to serve God. At the meeting of the Touch Team we were told that the position we received for the first night was to be the same position we would hold for the entire conference. Well, my husband got put in a really good place and I ended up being assigned with another volunteer to stand by a barrier and not allow anyone who wasn’t a volunteer to go beyond it. This barrier was out in the concourse. I was so disappointed and angry. I didn’t want to be there, I was whining about everything: my back was going to hurt because I have to keep moving and this position was standing still; it was a stupid place to stand; it didn’t take two of us to guard this barrier; on and on I was complaining to myself. My feelings were taking over. I knew in my head that I was serving God no matter where I was assigned, but my emotions were not matching what I knew to be true. I prayed and thanked God for the opportunity to serve and I knew I was serving regardless of where I was and I praised Him for what He was going to do that weekend in the hearts of all the people attending. Even though I didn’t feel like saying the words, I said the words. I confessed that I was feeling selfish and didn’t want to feel that way but I needed help to get past this.

I wasn’t there too long and one of the leaders asked me to move to the next spot over and help a different volunteer to work the aisle in the arena and decide when to close that section and send everyone to the upper level. I was excited to do that, even though it wasn’t a good position either. I was mad at myself for not being up front of the group and taking one of the first positions that were given away; I was upset not to be where my husband was assigned.

We were told that the following day the 15 registration people would be joining the Touch Team. Well, my plan was to ask to be reassigned to be with my husband Bill now that we had more people and someone else could take my spot. I talked to Bill about it and he thought it was a great idea; he wanted to serve with me. Well, I asked and what happened was they switched Bill and the guy I was serving with the night before. So, the guy I was serving with got the good spot and Bill ended up in the crummy spot with me! I was really upset with myself for not getting myself out of that spot, but now I got Bill in there with me – I ruined it for him! He just takes it all in stride and he seems to be happy anywhere they put him. He’s so great – I can learn so much from him! The people that were on the end portal didn’t show up, one of them was to be on the meal team that morning and would be back after lunch; so they asked me and Bill to split up and he took the end portal and I stayed where I was. Meanwhile, I’m critiquing everything in my head – where are the 15 volunteers from registration? What about the meal team – where are they? (They were supposed to join the Touch Team in the afternoon) We should be doubled up all over the place and it seems like we have the same, if not less than before. The guy that was at the end portal the day before that had joined the meal team came back before the evening session and told us he was a “floater” we saw him just talking and wandering around on the floor and everywhere – it didn’t seem as though he was serving anywhere – just enjoying the conference. Well, seems as though everything was bothering me: I thought I lost $20 and I was flustered and upset, an intercessor that was praying over the seats before the building was open took my sweatshirt that I had saving my seat because she thought it was lost and found – that upset me. I just was miserable and not in the right place in my heart. I prayed and really focused and decided I was in a good spot, I could see just fine and this wasn’t about me.

Well, Louie did a sermon and he said many things that really spoke to me. He talked about people who to go church and complain all the way home about how they didn’t get anything out of the worship, etc. Well, the worship wasn’t for them, it was for God. That’s why we worship – it has nothing to do with what we get or don’t get out of it, we aren’t to be doing it for ourselves. He said as long as we are reacting like that in regards to anything…the worship, the sermon, etc., it shows that the filter or the lens we are viewing the world through is one that is all about ourselves. We need to get rid of that filter – we are not there for us. Why we are there is for God, whether we are attending or serving. Our service is worship to God, is it a sweet aroma in His nostrils? We go and we sing “Here I am to Worship”….when really, no we aren’t there to worship – at least not God we are there to please and feed and make our flesh happy.

Making of a Leader

I recently read the book 12 Ordinary Men and I especially liked the chapter on Peter. From the life of Peter, we can learn what God looks for and how He creates leaders. In this chapter I learned some things about myself.

RAW MATERIAL:

These are things that God has put in you in your mother’s womb. You cannot get these things from training.

1) Inquisitiveness: Someone who asks a lot of questions. Curiosity is crucial to leadership. People who are content with what they don’t know, happy to remain ignorant about what they don’t understand, complacent about what they haven’t analyzed and comfortable living with problems they haven’t solved – such people cannot lead.

2) Initiative: Drive, ambition and energy, someone who makes things happen. This person is a starter. It is hard to try to motivate someone who is always passive and hesitant. It is much easier to tone down a fanatic than to resurrect a corpse. Some people have to be dragged tediously in any forward direction. Not Peter. He always wanted to move ahead, to understand what he didn’t understand. I think of this as someone who is self-motivated.

3) Involvement: True leaders are always in the middle of the action. A true leader goes through life with a cloud of dust around him. These leaders go where the action is, they are not content to sit on the sidelines and tell everyone else what to do.

LIFE EXPERIENCES:

By life experiences Christ refines us into leaders. True leaders are made, not just born. Experience can be a hard teacher. The Lord dragged Peter through three years of tests and difficulties that gave him a lifetime of the kind of experiences every true leader must endure. These experiences, even the difficult ones were all necessary to shape Peter into the man he needed to become.

Some of the lessons that Peter learned were: crushing defeat and deep humiliation often follow hard on the heels of our greatest victories. (Peter got commended by Jesus for his great confession of “You are the Christ the Son of God”, right after that – Peter got rebuked by Jesus “Get behind me Satan…”) Peter had just learned that God would reveal truth to him and guide his speech as he submitted his mind to the truth. He wasn’t dependent upon a human message. The message he was to proclaim was given to him by God. He would also be given the keys to the kingdom-meaning that his life and message would be the unlocking of the kingdom of God for the salvation of many. Peter fell victim to Satan the night he denied Jesus 3 times. Satan was sifting him as wheat and Peter was learning just how much chaff and how little substance he had in him. He learned how watchful and careful he must be to rely on only the Lord’s strength. He learned that in spite of his own sinful tendencies and spiritual weaknesses, the Lord wanted to use him and would sustain him and preserve him no matter what.
I’ve learned much, but do I apply it? Peter learned the first time he was presented with the issue, he learned in 3 years—I took 30.
CHARACTER QUALITIES:

Character is what makes leadership possible. In spiritual leadership the great goal and objective is to bring people to Christ-likeness. The leader himself must manifest Christ-like character. God’s been working with me on this one.

Submission:
Leaders must be in submission to God and to any higher earthly authority placed above them.
Jesus modeled this by paying temple taxes when he really didn’t need to because he was the son of the God worshipped in the temple. Just as the king’s sons didn’t pay regular taxes.

Restraint:
Self-control, discipline, moderation and reserve don’t necessarily come naturally to someone who lives life at the head of the pack. We need to learn these and also to curb anger and out of control passions.

Humility:
People in leadership tend to think more highly of themselves than they ought. Stay out of pride. A true leader loves and serves those he leads. Leaders tend to see people as a means to their end. Leaders are usually task oriented rather than people oriented. They often use people or plow over them in order to achieve their goals or their agenda, plan for the day, week, year or life.

Compassion:
With compassion we are equipped to strengthen the brethren. Leaders tend to be short on compassion, lousy comforters and impatient with others. They don’t stop very long to care for the wounded as they pursue their goals. After being sifted by Satan, Peter was well equipped to empathize with others’ weaknesses. He could strengthen others in their ordeals.

Courage:
Not the impetuous false kind of courage that caused him to swing his sword so wildly to cut off the man’s ear in the garden, but the kind of courage that is mature, settled, intrepid willingness to suffer for Christ’s sake. Lies are set against the truth. Satan is set against God. And demons are set against the holy purposes of Christ. Peter would face difficulty wherever he went.

Peter was not perfect, long after he learned these lessons and was “the rock” of the church, preaching, leading and bringing people the message of salvation with courage and insight, he still goofed up. Paul had to correct him in the presence of everybody when Peter left the Gentiles to eat with the false teachers. (Galatians 2:11-14) BUT…to Peter’s credit, he responded to Paul’s correction. When the error of the Judaizers was finally confronted at the full council of church leaders and apostles in Jerusalem, it was Peter who spoke up first in defense of the gospel of divine grace. He introduced the argument that won the day.

Reading through these I realize how far I have to go. But, I also realize how many of these traits I have; I just have to keep focused and allow God to mold, shape and grow things in me.  It’s a life long journey. None of us will be perfected until we reach heaven.

Applauding Jesus

I got fired from the job I had for 25 years. I had counted on, made my life plans and my retirement around this job. Now, I was fired. I was a little over 3 years from being eligible for retirement.

After filing a grievance with the union and an arbitration hearing I got my job back. It took over a year and during that time, I had received unemployment, but my employer contested it, there was a hearing and I lost. I was ordered to repay the money I had received (over $10,000.)

Returning to work was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in my life. I went back to the same job, same department and same management that fired me. The good news was that I could retire in a little over 2 years. I knew in my heart that to humble myself and return to work was exactly what Jesus wanted for me. I had spent over a year praying for the situation. A few other employees that had been fired close to retirement had been allowed to retire without returning to work; that was the result I had begged Jesus for. But instead, I had to return to work. It was very hard and I was humbled, feeling as though I was being watched, etc.

Still other employees who got fired and were rewarded their jobs back; when they returned, they were always arrogant because they had won their case. They were bitter, doing just enough work to get by, slowed down their production to the bare minimum; they bad mouthed the management and the company as a whole. They became real “problem children” after their return. But I was different, I was not bad mouthing, I was not acting angry and bitter, I increased my production and was obedient to the management and the authority over me.

I did have anger however toward the individual people who were involved in firing me, my direct supervisor and several others above him. I didn’t express this to them, but in my mind I thought of myself as being a victim. I replayed different scenarios over in my mind that my superiors could have done to resolve the problem. It didn’t have to be a disciplinary action/firing. I thought they fired me so they could make an example out of me to the others, to rattle the cages so to speak. Years after being fired I was still replaying these things over in my mind-sometimes several times a day, always several times a week and I was getting angry every time I did. I see now that I was in bondage to these feelings, I couldn’t shake them.

In a bible study at my Church by Beth Moore called Believing God there was a video regarding our identity in Christ. She used the analogy of coats we put on having labels on them that we see ourselves as. For instance: do we wear a coat labeled “divorced”, “fired”, “ugly”, “unlovable”, unworthy”, “no good” or something else? How we see ourselves affects how we relate to others and to God. We need to take off these coats and see ourselves as God sees us. We need to put on coats that have labels that are more appropriate and true: “loved”, “beautiful”, “masterpiece”, “friend of God”, “worthy” those kinds of names.

“And put on the new nature (the regenerate self) created in God’s image, (Godlike) in true righteousness and holiness.” Ephesians 4:24

Beth said in her video that maybe if we would give Jesus applause once in a while, He would be more apt to do an encore. So, all the way home that day in my car I clapped, I applauded Jesus and I thanked Him for allowing me to be fired, for working into me humbleness and refining my character. I thanked Him for all the work He had done in me through that experience, I learned to trust Him more, to rely on Him when I had nothing else that seemed solid in my life; I learned that I make plans, but He directs my path. I thanked Him and applauded loudly, my hands were red and sore, tears were streaming down my face and I was beaming in a broad smile at the same time! I thanked Him for the experience and told Him I wouldn’t trade it for anything! I thanked Him for my retirement and offered it up to Him to use me as He sees fit.

This was the day the anger broke, I no longer replay this over and over in my mind. I am not upset and feeling victimized by this event in my life. I know that Jesus used this for my good.

Baptism Thoughts

It was a beautiful day for a baptism it was still nice out, the heat and humidity hadn’t set in yet. There was a service in the park building before going out to the lake for the baptism. The service consisted of music, introductions and testimonies from the baptism candidates. Each candidate had a sponsor who anointed them with oil and spoke a blessing over them. The service ended with all of us saying the Apostles Creed together:

I believe in God, the Father Almighty,
maker of heaven and earth,
and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord:
Who was conceived of the Holy Spirit,
born of the Virgin Mary,
suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, died, and was buried.
He descended into hell.
The third day He arose again from the dead.
He ascended into heaven
and is seated at the right hand of God the Father Almighty,
from whence He shall come to judge the living and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy Christian church,
the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins,
the resurrection of the body,
and life everlasting.
Amen.

Saying the Apostles Creed is not new to me, I grew up in a traditional Lutheran Church and we said the Apostles Creed every Sunday. I know it by heart and have said it many times before. But this time was different for some reason, the words really meant something to me and by the end of the creed, I had tears in my eyes.

I know what I believe and to be able to state what I believe to God, others and to myself is so rich to me. I needed to hear myself say this creed and to stand in a crowd of other believers saying the same thing. We have been discussing community at our church and wondering how to create an atmosphere or environment of community that others can enter into if they choose. This was community to me.

The part of the service held in the building ended and it was time to go to the waters of baptism. We sang one verse of “Grace Flows Down” in the building and continued to sing as we followed the baptism candidates and their sponsors out the door. It’s a public lake and beach and there were other people and families outside swimming and playing in the water and on the sand. They watched as we came out the building. It was such an awesome experience and I felt so close to Jesus as we walked to the water. We stopped on the shore and removed our shoes and the baptism candidates and their sponsors were led into the water. The rest of us were invited to step into the water as well, to remember our baptism, to show our support and belief and to be a community of believers.

I stood in water up to my thighs, watching from a distance as each pair stepped into the center of the circle and the sponsor announced “I baptize you:______________ in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit” and held them in their arms, lowered them into the water and then back up again. When each of them came up the first thing I noticed was a huge smile on their face and they wrapped their arms around their sponsor with a big hug.

Baptism is so special to me. I was baptized as an infant and when I was 37 I chose to be baptized again. I made the decision because I wanted it to be my decision. My infant baptism didn’t really hold any meaning for me because it wasn’t decided by me. My adult baptism was a way for me to be obedient to Jesus by making my beliefs public. Another thing it did for me was to show people I am willing to be held accountable for my actions. I have followed Jesus into the waters of baptism, I have died to myself and I want to live for Him and only for Him.

When Jesus was baptized there was a loud voice from heaven and the dove ascended on Him. This is the only time all three parts of the trinity were witnessed at the same place and time. This is a special occasion it was the beginning of Jesus’ ministry here on earth. God is pleased with us when we are baptized just as He was pleased with Jesus and in many ways it can be the beginning of our ministry here on earth.

Defined

I am in a small group Bible Study doing the book/video series by Beth Moore called Believing God. One of the weekly videos spoke about things we can’t let go of; things from our past which we allow to define us. These are things maybe nobody else thinks or knows about us, but we do, and we continue to speak it into our lives. The enemy continues to bring it to our remembrance and when it comes to mind, we take it in.

The video taught that there are things we will always remember about our pasts and that’s OK. What the video showed is some memories are more than just memories; they are things we continue to define ourselves by. Until we see ourselves as God sees us and we define ourselves as God defines us, we will be stuck. The video showed this as a coat we choose to put on. This coat has a name on the back of it and the name is whatever our memory is. For instance; my coat said “fired” on it. Three years ago I got fired from my job. It was something I couldn’t let go of. Whenever I would think about the situation, I would find myself sucked right back into the same place I was in 3 years ago. I found myself feeling the same feelings, getting all worked up and feeling like a victim. This time in my life carried much shame with it. I was devastated by being fired; my entire life, future, identity and security were in that job. I had only 3 years left until retirement; I had been working there since high school, for 25 years.

It took me over a year of jumping through all the hoops of paperwork, filing grievances, lawyers and a hearing before I was awarded my job back. But, even though I got my job back, I still lost that year of my life. I had gotten unemployment which my employer fought and won the hearing so I had to repay all the money I had received. I had all my eggs in one basket, I’d had my job for more than half my life and it was what was going to make or break my future as far as I was concerned, all my plans hinged on this retirement. Well, God sure shook all that up. I learned real fast that I plan my way, but God directs my paths. I learned to fall on my face and ask God for help.

“A man’s mind plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” Proverbs 16:9

Here I was 3 years later and these thoughts of being fired or of the people involved with firing me would come to mind several times a week and sometimes even several times a day. When the thoughts came I would slip right back into the same place emotionally. I was wearing it like a coat. The study told us we were to reframe whatever memory (old coat) we were defining ourselves by. I was struggling with how to do this.

The next week at the study, Beth used a scripture about Joshua praying for the sun to stand still so he could have more daylight to fight the war he was in (Joshua 10:5-15). She said she was pretty sure some of the men fighting under Joshua were real glad they didn’t stay home that day and miss the miracle God did for them. Beth said there are times she applauds God for what He does in her life. That day, after the video, I applauded God all the way home! My hands were red from my clapping so hard and tears were streaming down my face. The people in the other cars must have thought I lost my mind. I clapped and clapped and clapped and praised and thanked God that I didn’t miss the miracle He performed on the day of my hearing. He got my job and my retirement back. I cheered because He provided for me that year, I clapped and cheered that He came through and He gave me what I needed to return to work for the next 2 years and do the best job I could for this same employer and this same management that had fired me. (When I retired my co-workers told me how amazed they were that I worked so hard and with such loyalty and diligence. There are others who had been fired and got their jobs back and they returned with an attitude of trying to get away with all they can, grumbling and griping to all who will listen.) I cheered God for the work ethic He gave me when I returned, I cheered that I didn’t miss this experience because it gave me a chance to give Him glory!

This broke whatever it was that held me. I am free today. I still have the memory, but I don’t ever get sucked back into it and I don’t put that coat on anymore!

I’m a Pharisee

My husband and I attended a concert last weekend; it was Chris Tomlin and Matt Redmond. We had good seats, Row G right in the front, just a little off to the right. We were 10 minutes late and the usher was seating us, we got to the seats and other people were sitting in them. The usher asked them to move and they showed him their e-ticket. The usher brought us to the lobby. Right away I was thinking that we would get exceptional seats because some of the preferred seats would still be open. We went to the lobby and a clerk was helping us she said there were apparently duplicate tickets issued for the same seats. She told us she had extra tickets available for us and they were good seats. It turned out the seats were in row W in the upper balcony!

I had been biting my tongue the entire time and now I moved over to my husband and said loud enough for the others to hear “too bad we were 10 minutes late or we would have been in the seats first and they would have to be bumped instead of us”. Another person who worked there looked our name up on the computer and said the row G seats were our seats and the people that were in them had to move. I was relieved. My husband however felt bad for the people that would have to move into bad seats. I didn’t feel bad for them. He thought: “people that would come to a concert like this wouldn’t deliberately take the wrong seats…” The usher went to tell them to move and came back with their paperwork on the e-ticket that they had been issued. The person helping us looked their name up on the computer and found out they were in the wrong seats; they were supposed to be in row E — center section, isle seats. The usher and the clerk both said, well those seats are open and if you want them, you can sit there. We said fine and sat there. It turned out they were better seats and the other people didn’t have to be moved.

I felt so bad because of the way I behaved, my attitude and the statements that I made to my husband making those statements deliberately so the people working there would hear me. That was not Christ-like. I sat in my new seat and just put my head in my hands and cried because how can I love God whom I can’t see when I can’t love the people I can see? How can God use me when I can’t even act right? And I want so much to please God, I want Him to look at me and be proud of my behavior, to be proud of His daughter. I want to be used by God, I want so much to be holy, obedient and loving. Yet, in my day to day thoughts, words, attitudes and actions, I don’t display those characteristics.

Since then, I have been praying for Jesus show me when I’m being critical, judgmental and unloving. I find myself constantly commenting out loud and to myself in my car different slamming remarks about other drivers. If I have the chance, I give them “the look” so perhaps they will feel bad about their behavior, and figure out what they did wrong. I’m such a Pharisee! God help me. I feel almost defeated, like there is just no hope for me, but as soon as I think that thought, I know it’s wrong. It’s from Satan and not true. Instead I thank Jesus for showing me my behavior and acknowledge it is wrong and tell Jesus if He doesn’t help me there is going to be no improvement whatsoever. I find I am critical, angry and judgmental about people I encounter at work, finding fault, nitpicking and analyzing others. Like I’m perfect! Help me Jesus, I can’t do this!!! I will not, cannot change without You! Even though I desperately desire to change, I can’t do this on my own, I will only get worse, I need Jesus, I thank Him each and every time I recognize fault within myself.

No Place to Move

There are times in my life that are like chapters in a book. My life is a book and the different seasons are the chapters. The one I just came out of seems to be one that was titled “no place to move”. I have learned very many things. God seemed to be taking
a jackhammer to my life. He jack hammered everything except one spot to stand, and that spot was “the rock”. That was Jesus Christ, my Lord.

I thought I was doing well, that I was OK. But, in reality, I had drifted so far from where I wanted to be, from where I used to be, from where I should be. I was so close to Jesus and somehow I got so far away from Him. I don’t even know how it happened. Oh, yes I do. But, this is in hindsight. I guess I knew how it happened at the time too, but it was happening so slowly, I thought I could handle it and not let it affect me. I thought I would still stay close to Jesus even though I was doing and allowing things into my life He wouldn’t approve of. I was being deceived. I fell for the lies.

I don’t know where to start with my story, I guess it was when I got a divorce and turned to a friend, a guy in jail. I met him doing prison ministry and he was transformed by Jesus. When he got out, he had no place to go and couldn’t go back to his old life and that was all he knew, so I allowed him to move in with me. This went on for years. I was still in the Word, but not as close as I wanted to be to Jesus.

I had worked at my job since 1977; I had plans for retiring there. I worked for a place that was “30 years and out”, I could retire in 2006 at the age of 46. As I went through the years, I formulated a plan. It included having my house and car paid off several years before retirement and then I would get involved in some kind of ministry.

Well I learned “man plans his way, but God directs his path”. I had all these plans and God just jack hammered around and everything in my life that I was counting on and standing on, crumbled. I lost my job, had to refinance my house and put the car payment on the mortgage, now I was up to 15 years again. My boyfriend had slipped badly, he was drinking a lot and I couldn’t even talk to him anymore. He started out trying to help his sister get free from her habits and got into the same habits himself. Soon, he was doing crack and/or methamphetamine along with drinking. He wouldn’t come home for days and when he did, he would crash out on the couch for days, usually sick and always sleeping it off. He’d get some strength up, go to work and not come home for days again. God had jack hammered out my job, my money, my security, my boyfriend. All I had was Him. Oh, poor baby, all I had was God!

I was isolated. My Mom was the only human person I had in my life. She didn’t want the rest of my family to know I had been fired, so she didn’t tell them and I didn’t either. I didn’t want Mom to be exposed as a liar. What a place to be. The shame I carried was the most unbearable part of this time in my life.

I prayed and asked God to show me how I should spend my time with Him. I knew I needed to lean into Him heavily. It seemed as though He led me to this verse: “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be given unto you”. Matt 7:33. So, I spent my days studying righteousness and God’s Kingdom.

For the next year, I was out of a job and fighting for my old job back. I was given unemployment and then it was taken away and I was told I would have to pay back the benefits that I had received so far. It seemed as though things were getting worse instead of better. But, I kept pressing into God and believing that He was all I needed. I continually told God how good He was to me and that if He didn’t do it; it wouldn’t get done. I was in His plan and His will – I had given up mine. I practiced the presence of God in all I did to the best of my ability.

God gave me many other verses and I loved my time in the word. For some time, I memorized one verse a week. I found these verses helped me when I couldn’t sleep. I would wake up at 3:30 every morning and was unable to get back to sleep as I was worried, when I started reciting the verses – I would get back to sleep instantly. There were so many things that I learned during this time of my life. It was the biggest trial and yet it was the time that I learned and changed the most. Thinking back on it now, I see so much that I experienced and learned. I am so much better today because of this time in my life. There was so much, I can’t even contain it all in a single writing.

I learned how to manage and minimize my worrying and anxiety, get closer to my family, trust God in everything – even the things that in the natural seem impossible. I learned humility and to look to God for my purpose and worth in life.

God has blessed me beyond all I could think, ask or imagine since then –I have been transformed by this trial and I am thankful for it.

My prayer is that I can hang on to the things I learned and not have to repeat them like the Israelites going around that mountain again and again. I pray that I continually trust God and have a desperate desire to stay in His word and His presence. To know that I can’t do it – if He doesn’t do it; it won’t get done. He is the author of my life and He will be the finisher of it.

“When I said, my foot is slipping, Your mercy and loving-kindness, O Lord, held me up.
In the multitude of my [anxious] thoughts within me, Your comforts cheer and delight my soul!” Psalm 94:18-19 AMP