Waves of Grief

I’m thankful for the waves of grief,
Because between them, I find relief
The frequency and size are never the same
Some hit hard and others are quite tame

They are uncontrollable as they come and go
Their size, intensity and duration I never know.
I have no choice but to see them through
And let them do what they will do

They’ve hit me hard and knocked me down
I wondered if I’d come around
But I look to Jesus and don’t lose sight
And hang on to Him with all my might

I know in my heart each wave will pass
For they are not intended to last
Something deep is being formed in me
For this, I am grateful for the waves I see.

Simplicity

I’m drawn to a life of simplicity
Yet I live here in the city.
I wonder; can the two co-exist?
Or by choosing one, is the other missed.

In the woods – surrounded by your creation
Your presence with me is a strong sensation
Your awesome beauty reflects in all I see
Your gentle voice whispers through the trees

I experience You in all I see, think and feel
And in that moment, there’s nothing more real.
I’ve been filled with Your Spirit – we are one
My wants and needs – have become none.

This awareness disappears at home in the city
Distracted with busyness and noise– what a pity
I hustle and bustle through my day
And in the evening look around and say

I didn’t see God – why wasn’t He here?
The truth is; He was very near
But I didn’t look and I didn’t see
I didn’t ask or listen and that’s the key

When things are quiet and simple I’m more aware
Of Jesus’ presence and always being there
Simple – that’s the life I’m called to lead
Jesus will supply all I want and need

Lord, help me with simplicity.

Live in the Light

Today at church the sermon was about learning to live in the light. We’ve been in a series about the Way of the Rabbi and how we can follow Jesus, our Rabbi in our everyday life. The verse today’s message was focused on was “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.” 1 John 1:7

What does walking in the light mean to me and you? James tells us that Jesus is “the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” James 1:17b. Jesus doesn’t change – he gives it to us straight, he isn’t like man, he is in the light and there is no darkness in him. He has no “shifting shadows” like man does, where we will say something and then we back out of it saying that’s not what we meant, or we were just kidding, etc. Jesus is what he is, he doesn’t wear a mask and hide and pretend to be something he isn’t; like we do sometimes.

In the sermon today, we were taught that living in the light isn’t just not telling lies, (insincere smiles, unfelt words, and plastic living — wearing a mask) it isn’t just telling the truth or owning our “stuff”, but it also means not hiding. We can hide and pretend to be something we’re not so people will like us and that’s darkness, that’s hiding. The more we hide the more it becomes a way of life for us; something natural that we do without thinking, we are learning how to lie, learning how to live in the darkness. It happens so gradually we really don’t realize how good we are at it and how much a part of us it has become. If we are not living in the light we are not having true fellowship or a relationship with anyone. The person our friends are in relationship with isn’t us; they are in relationship with the false self that we’ve been showing them.

It was communion weekend at church and we were invited to come to the table. We were asked to think about what the Rabbi is showing us as darkness in our lives. What are we not facing, hiding from or hiding behind, what are we not being truthful about? The prayer ministers were at the front of the church and we could go and confess to them during the communion time.

After the sermon, two people moved the cross from the side of the platform to the center of the floor in front to be accessible for anyone to come forward. The room got darker and two very bright lights lit up the cross. The cross was light. We could go forward to Jesus and be in the light if we needed to deal with some things we were hiding from. Jesus doesn’t shine the light on us; rather, He invites us into it. He does this not to embarrass or shame us but rather to heal, forgive, restore and cleanse us.

I love to watch and pray for people from the balcony, it provides the best “big picture” viewpoint. From the balcony I could see the brightness of the cross and there were many people who had gone forward to the cross. What struck me instantly was the light that was shining on the cross was really bright and it created a circle on the carpet around the cross and after the circle it was dark. The people that had gone forward had all stopped on the edge of the light and kneeled. It was so symbolic to me of how hard it is for people to be fully in the light. They approached the light and stopped as soon as they got there. It was too bright to just step into all at once. Healing is a process, most of the time it doesn’t just happen. From the balcony I stood there and prayed and I wasn’t even sure how to pray other than for Jesus to do his work with his children. His children that he loves so very much and wants to heal, forgive, deliver, restore and cleanse. I prayed for Jesus to bring them more fully into the light to call them closer to him and into the brightness of his light. I prayed they stay in the light and live in the light; to know that light isn’t something to fear because it reveals; but rather something to embrace because it brings life.

Lisa

Lisa, to so many, you’ve meant so much
Everyone you know has received your touch
You show Jesus to the masses
Whether doing announcements
Or teaching classes

You call me to a deeper level of living
By watching you and seeing your giving
Your humble spirit and tender heart
Convict me to do my part

To live out of that place deep inside
That is present to people and doesn’t hide
To love people well and share the truth
Of God, there is no greater proof

Even when life’s seasons change
There’s one thing that still remains
Even though we’re miles apart
We can still be close in our heart.

Why Me?

Years before I retired I began dreaming and wondering what I could do for Jesus after I retired. I started praying for Jesus to prepare me for what He had for me and then to place me there after retirement. When my retirement time came, I continued to pray for Jesus to use me and to place me where He wanted me to be. Several things happened as a result of these prayers.

First, nothing happened. But, I wanted my first year off anyway so that was expected; it was part of my plan as well. I used that time to be in women’s bible studies, journal, read, study, write, set up my web site and to just rest, watch movies, do things around the house, etc. I applied for and received a backup receptionist job at my church about 5 months into retirement. Then, about 8-9 months into my retirement, things really started to move. I received an email from church asking if I was interested in being part of the recovery ministry that they were starting. There were several positions to consider. I went to the meeting and after the meeting my husband Bill and I signed up to be small group leaders. I prayed about it and spoke to a spiritual director at a retreat I attended about it, and it seemed to be from God and the way He works in my life.

Very shortly after (10+ months after retiring) one of the Executive Leaders at church offered me a job. I met with him and found out all the details, he set up a job interview and I accepted the job on an interim basis. This started me thinking—why me? What is it about this job that I am the one to be filling the position? It was very clear to me that this came from God; this is where He wants me to be, but why?

I don’t think it’s because what I have to bring to the job – although that’s certainly part of it, but there are many other people with the skills and talents to lead this ministry, so why me? If it’s not just what I have to bring to the ministry, then what else could it be? It could be what the ministry has to bring to me. Somehow I am being refined by this ministry. I am being changed. God has something here for me, something that I need to receive and become.

This ministry is stretching me, I’m not good at recruiting and coming out of my shell to meet, know and lead people and this is something I have to do. There are teams of people I need to team up with; I need to know them, not just their names. I need to find others who can come into these teams and welcome them and help them feel like they belong, like they fit. I can no longer hide and think people don’t like me; that they don’t want to talk to me, etc. I need to be the leader.

At Passion ‘07 there were two leaders of our section of the Touch Team; one was shy and wishy/washy, a people pleaser type; the type that probably thinks people don’t want to talk to him, etc. The stronger leader who spoke clearly and told us the way it was, directed us to what we had to do, he was the better leader. I could clearly see the better leader from the follower’s point of view. Now, I have to be that type of leader, not just be someone who’s in the background, not wanting to speak up and direct; being afraid that people won’t like me, that I will sound stupid or be a bother. I have to be a direct, sound, outspoken leader.

I can be this, I have it in me and God is calling it out of me.

Rejection’s Vacancy

I’m doing a Beth Moore Bible Study with my husband. We watch a teaching from her for about an hour on line and then do a workbook for 5 days. The study is on the Fruit of the Spirit. The first fruit we studied was love. It’s funny, because our church is doing a sermon series on the Holy Spirit and just when we started this bible study, the sermon series moved from the Gifts of the Spirit to the Fruit of the Spirit; funny how God works.

During the message on love, Beth spoke about rejection. We have all been rejected at some point in our life and rejection makes us react. Either we put up walls and decide we are not going to love that deeply again, not be that vulnerable again or expose our real self to anyone — after all that’s how we get hurt. Our hurt goes as deep as our love did and we think if we love little, we will hurt little, that’s how we rationalize it to ourselves. Yet, if we love little, do we really love?

The word rejected is chadel in Hebrew; Strong’s dictionary shows the word “vacant” in the definition. Vacant is a word that surprised me. Beth Moore talked about this vacancy as being something we experience when we are rejected by someone we love. This rejection leaves a vacancy in our soul and in our lives. We want to fill this vacancy with something or someone. There are times we fill this vacancy with drugs, alcohol, shopping, gambling or other people; we jump right into another relationship which turns out to be destructive.

Looking back, I find that most of my bad decisions in life were made from the place of a vacancy caused by rejection. I have most often jumped into another relationship to fill this hole in me instead of going to God to fill it. After all, God is the only one who really can fill this emptiness in me and heal me, He is all I need. I have done things that I didn’t believe in and I have been a person that I’m really not, just to keep someone in my life, I was so afraid of being alone. I would let the other person dictate who and what I was. I did this in relationships I wasn’t even happy in with people I know now I really didn’t love. But, I thought I loved them and I thought the reason I wasn’t happy is because they were not keeping me or making me happy. I realize now that people cannot make or keep me happy and I cannot make or keep someone else happy. My happiness must come from within…from God.

The first thing I noticed when I gave my life to Christ at 34 years old, was I could be alone, and be OK. I lived alone then and previously when I had lived alone, I was anxious to go someplace or to have people over. I would even pay for people to go places with me. I was desperate. Then, when I gave my life to Christ, I was delivered from this. I stayed home alone most nights and I was OK, I practiced being alone; I went out to dinner, I went to David Copperfield when he was in town, I went on vacation for a long weekend and even went to St Louis, MO for a Joyce Meyer conference, all of this, I did alone. I found it to not be lonely, but exciting, Jesus was my date, He was my companion and there is no one better to spend time with. I found Jesus could go anywhere and everywhere with me. I could bake cookies with Him, go shopping with Him and just do everyday, ordinary things with Him.

What I learned most by looking at my past rejections was there was one early on that to me was huge and it colored my thinking and every decision I made for years. I didn’t even realize it was the source of my shame or the cause of my bad decisions and poor perception of myself. It was huge and happened to me when I was in my early 20’s and it took until my 40’s to figure it out, over 20 years!

Rejection and the shame that sometimes accompanies it, the vacancy that always accompanies it is not something we can ignore.

Run to Jesus with it…RUN! He can heal you everywhere you hurt.

Baptism Thoughts

It was a beautiful day for a baptism it was still nice out, the heat and humidity hadn’t set in yet. There was a service in the park building before going out to the lake for the baptism. The service consisted of music, introductions and testimonies from the baptism candidates. Each candidate had a sponsor who anointed them with oil and spoke a blessing over them. The service ended with all of us saying the Apostles Creed together:

I believe in God, the Father Almighty,
maker of heaven and earth,
and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord:
Who was conceived of the Holy Spirit,
born of the Virgin Mary,
suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, died, and was buried.
He descended into hell.
The third day He arose again from the dead.
He ascended into heaven
and is seated at the right hand of God the Father Almighty,
from whence He shall come to judge the living and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy Christian church,
the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins,
the resurrection of the body,
and life everlasting.
Amen.

Saying the Apostles Creed is not new to me, I grew up in a traditional Lutheran Church and we said the Apostles Creed every Sunday. I know it by heart and have said it many times before. But this time was different for some reason, the words really meant something to me and by the end of the creed, I had tears in my eyes.

I know what I believe and to be able to state what I believe to God, others and to myself is so rich to me. I needed to hear myself say this creed and to stand in a crowd of other believers saying the same thing. We have been discussing community at our church and wondering how to create an atmosphere or environment of community that others can enter into if they choose. This was community to me.

The part of the service held in the building ended and it was time to go to the waters of baptism. We sang one verse of “Grace Flows Down” in the building and continued to sing as we followed the baptism candidates and their sponsors out the door. It’s a public lake and beach and there were other people and families outside swimming and playing in the water and on the sand. They watched as we came out the building. It was such an awesome experience and I felt so close to Jesus as we walked to the water. We stopped on the shore and removed our shoes and the baptism candidates and their sponsors were led into the water. The rest of us were invited to step into the water as well, to remember our baptism, to show our support and belief and to be a community of believers.

I stood in water up to my thighs, watching from a distance as each pair stepped into the center of the circle and the sponsor announced “I baptize you:______________ in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit” and held them in their arms, lowered them into the water and then back up again. When each of them came up the first thing I noticed was a huge smile on their face and they wrapped their arms around their sponsor with a big hug.

Baptism is so special to me. I was baptized as an infant and when I was 37 I chose to be baptized again. I made the decision because I wanted it to be my decision. My infant baptism didn’t really hold any meaning for me because it wasn’t decided by me. My adult baptism was a way for me to be obedient to Jesus by making my beliefs public. Another thing it did for me was to show people I am willing to be held accountable for my actions. I have followed Jesus into the waters of baptism, I have died to myself and I want to live for Him and only for Him.

When Jesus was baptized there was a loud voice from heaven and the dove ascended on Him. This is the only time all three parts of the trinity were witnessed at the same place and time. This is a special occasion it was the beginning of Jesus’ ministry here on earth. God is pleased with us when we are baptized just as He was pleased with Jesus and in many ways it can be the beginning of our ministry here on earth.

Allowed to Hunger

Deuteronomy 8:2-3.

The setting: Israel is at the Jordan River preparing to cross over into the Promised Land. The people of Israel had come full circle. They had been here before and had made a choice not to trust and believe God. They chose to believe man–the 10 spies that said they couldn’t make it in the new, promised land. Because of their choice, God made them wander in the wilderness for 40 years. The adults would miss out on the Promised Land and the children would have to wait forty years to enter in.

During that 40 years God provided for them. Here in Deuteronomy, they are remembering their wilderness experience.

“And you shall [earnestly] remember all the way which the Lord your God led you these 40 years in the wilderness, to humble you and to prove you, to know what was in your [mind and] heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. And He humbled you and allowed you to hunger and fed you with manna….” Deuteronomy 8:2-3a

God does this in my life. He allows me to hunger so He can feed me. He allows me to ______ so He can __________me. I can fill in these blanks with so many things. God has allowed me to feel pain so He can heal me. He allowed me to feel lonely so He could keep me company. He allowed me to cry so He could give me comfort. There are so many things I have gone through that in hindsight I can see how God used each and every one of them. He uses them for different reasons, sometimes so I will find Him and ask Him into my life and other times to call me into a new place in my life, or to call me back to Him.

What God doesn’t do, is to use these sins and choices of mine to punish me. He never gives me what I deserve in regards to my sin, if He did, I would be dead. He is a merciful God and He gives me grace, love and forgiveness.

“He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.” Psalm 103.10

The other part of the verse…”to humble and to prove you, to know what was in your [mind and] heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not.” Deuteronomy 8

I believe it is in our trials that our true character shows. Some people I have known go right back to their former lives when hard times come. If they were addicted to something in the past, that’s right where they go. Other people I have known really press into God, small groups and community when they encounter trials. This is one way for God to know our true heart. It’s also how God develops us into maturity.

“He disciplines us for our good, that we may share His holiness.” Hebrews 12:10b

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4

He disciplines us for our good that we may share His holiness. I don’t know about you, but that’s what I want. I want His holiness. I want perseverance to finish its work in me so that I may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. I want to bring God glory in all I do, say, think and feel.

So, my friends when you encounter difficulties remember; God allows you to hunger so He can feed you. He wants nothing more than for us to share His holiness. We are created in His image and we have the Holy Spirit inside of us and Jesus walks beside us every step of the way. Trust Him and believe Him, He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, He will not leave us or forsake us. He will not fail us. Where ever He brings us, He can keep us. He will feed us.